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Paradise Falls by Rodney Bradley - Horror - A female detective, who suffers from PTSD, relocates to a small town where she soon gets roped into an investigation involving a string of kidnappings in which the victims return seven days later, only to go on a murderous rampage. 86 pages - pdf, format
Hey, Rodney, I hope you took Dreamscale advice because not only does it get you more feedback but also helps in learning the craft.
I think the premise should have more smoke, which could create a little more mystery and intrigue for the reader. I do like the main character has a haunting past which hopefully is explored in the story.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Haha, yeah, I've been trying to comment on dead threads in order to get these guys to participate but some of these scripts are DOA because their first post is their script. smh
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Read Paradise Falls today. Good stuff. I love the feel of something uncomprehending happening in such an isolated town. Reminded me a lot of some Hong Kong black magic movies, seventies Satanic cinema and some of Lucio Fulci's works. A couple notes:
Maybe you should show a little bit more of Det Warren's life outside the investigation. We see brief moment of her and her husband, but it seems she is mostly doing police work.
The incidents are all effed up, but they don't really seem to escalate. Also, considering Det Warren is probably confronted by the biggest event personally at the climax, maybe the events could seem more and more personal to her. Kind of like how events in the Satanic film Kill List seem to be happening specifically for the protagonist.
I love how you sometimes use exaggerated descriptions. Some made me laugh out loud "HE BITES HER FUCKING NOSE OFF!" "BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!" Very fun.
It might be interesting to have more focus on the town itself and it's residents. Create and atmosphere of rising dread and doom.
I wouldn't have Det Warren abandon McFadden to be burned alive. Even if she did see Warren, she should at least make some attempt to help McFadden.
You get really surreal with Det Warren fighting dogs, snakes and demons by the end. Once again, it might be interesting to throw somethings that have already been set up. I could've seen Lonergan showing up to either be an obstacle or at least trying to help. It felt a bit off that one of the most interesting characters completely disappears after her one big scene. It might also be nice to have the demon tied to the Pastor or some event in the town. It seems the town just goes crazy and the demon shows up. I'd be interested to see what initiated all this. In Fulci's The Beyond it's the Book of Ebon, and it would be cool to create a mythology to show what sparks off all this craziness.
All in all though, a good horror script that I could see being done really well by the right filmmaker. Great work!