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2nd Draft Cry No More by Pedro Schreier writing as ThE StOryTelleR - Short, Cannibal Horror - A demolished research center - two men - death in every corner - and the desperate search for a little girl. 15 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
1st Draft Cry No More by Pedro Schreier writing as ThE StOryTelleR - Short, Monster, Cannibal Horror - Something is on the move. It leaves a bloody massacre in every place it went through. The only clue a research team found - is a mysterious boy. What they don't know - they're already lost. - pdf, format
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to finish this one.
Nothing but voices on the entire first page? Sounds like these two voices are speaking in a language that is not their first language, as the mistakes are numerous, and the dialogue itself sounds like it's either purposely terrible or maybe thye have gone through lobotomies?
Good job on completing a script, but this one ain't for me.
Instead of saying "Several voices and sounds from machines are audible." it would be more engaging if you were to write something like, "In low-spoken tones, DOCTOR conversations and the BEEP-BEEP of monitor equipment fill the room." Be specific I mean.
fell from fences instead of falls
incredibly aggressive instead of incredible
Pet-Peeve, but I hope there is a reason central to the story Dr. Ronald has red hair, a lab coat and glasses. Clothes don't make character. Actions and dialogue do. Same for Susan.
unbelievably instead of unbelievable
I think the first scene goes on too long. I would cut it right at the end of page 1. Right when it becomes known there's something wrong with the boys blood. Build the mystery right away. You're inflating the balloon of intrigue. Instead you explain a ton of stuff right after and take some air out. Less is more.
98 feet is hella high for a fence. That's like a 6 story building height wise. And how can a fence carve a path like its a person?
Thee MEN not man
Everything which doesn't belong instead of everything which don't
Lord
RAVENS not RAVES
What are we gonna do instead of what do we gonna do
The scene in Ronald's office is unnecessary. I don't see how it moves the story forward much. Nothing happens. Nothing changes. Instead of talking about calling Col Harris why not call him right away?
"it looks like monster had taking a walk."?????
"Peter strengthened his grip and keep gazing at Ronald angrily." Lose the verbs ending in ing and write them present tense. "With a strengthened grip, Peter gazes at Ronald angrily."
Non est hic.? Ubi est? I have no idea what that means. Latin for "Where is"?
The whole polite fiji conversation is very out of place. if there is a boy monster running amuck in your lab pleasantries about somebodies vacation shouldn't be on anybody's mind.
Who is Roy? Who is Sam? I'm very lost.
The end makes no sense. All the sudden people are talking about a little girl named Eva? I don't know her and care about her because nothing has built her up or even hinted at her this whole time.
What is with the hunters? They do nothing except find mutilated deer. You could cut them after the first scene and nothing wold change. Yes I can see you trying to build tension, but without stakes, a purpose, something, it adds nothing to the story.
On a rewrite I would focus more on the Dr's in the lab since that is where the majority of the story takes place. maybe have Peter escape earlier and have him tearing the place apart while the Dr's try to contain and identify him.
Overall this needs a lot of polish. Most slugs have no day or night, lots of typos, I tried to catch the ones that stood out, and the story is a bit confusing and scattered.
thank you all so much for taking the time and the efforts to review my script. It's a great honor and pleasure and I'm very sorry, that I've failed to entertain you correctly. The problem is that I'm not used to this language, although I love english so much. There are a lot of things running through my head, a lot of ideas I want to write down, but I'm missing the correct english terms and the translator aren't enough to be very specify. So all I can do is to right my texts, get corrected and learn from it. So thank very much for the advices and the corrections. You all are helping me a lot.
That logline is a mess, but loglines suck. They’re friggin hard to write. Still, it’s a mess.
19 pages? Thought the rules were 15 or less? Eh, I can’t complain, I wrote a friggin comedy.
First passage could be written so much better. I like to capitalize sounds also… Need a (O.S.) on Male and Female Voice
No disrespect, but is English your second language? Between the logline and “it looked like he falls from them” I think that’s the case. That’s fine, I just wish I knew beforehand, b/c I’d have no problem letting stuff like that slide in this draft.
I’m going on the assumption it is, so I won’t comment on every wrong word. If not, my apologies.
Either way, I imagine you want this male and female to be on screen at this point, so you should have described them by now. Even if that was all voiceover, a full page is too much.
I gotta say, this broken English is starting to work for me in a weird way.
Lottttt of characters in this one.
Peter’s holding a little girl and they just run away?! Oh man.
At this point I don’t know if Peter is a monster or an alien or both.
I’m confused, but this twist seems really potentially cool actually. Peter is some kind of manifestation of Ronald’s? I think? His Tyler Durdan? Maybe? I don’t know…
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
Conz thank you for the feedback. All of your assumptions were right. English is my second language and advanced english is something what school not teach in detail - sadly. In the movie people would just see the blurred view and hear the voices. The first object they would see clearly is the screen with the CGI Simulations. And yes - Peter is something like his Tyler Durdan. Ronald build him to ignore his cruel acts.
Hi Pedro, I tried to read it, but, sadly, was just too confused. I'll try to come back to it.
Dan
I'm trying again. Gosh, I thought I had a LOT of characters. You have far far too many. I am having a real issue keeping track of them.
Just a question, but, you name the kid Peter. How will we ever know that? Perhaps you're better off just naming him kid.
Why all these unnamed V.O.? They are quite confusing.
I understand that they don't know anything about the child, but, why are they so afraid? I think we need to be given some reason why they act like they are batshit crazy.
So, you went the way of the movie "High Tension." You either loved or hated that movie.
Now, after making it through all of it, I'm totally lost. I don't really understand what happened here. Sorry.
I know English isn't your first language, and there are a lot of typos and wrong words, so, once that is cleared up, you can work on making the story better.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Hey Pedro well done on getting a script in, more than I managed!
English as a second language is tough, but it's not impossible I think you just need to take some more classes and improve your English some more... Matias Caruso won the Page Awards a couple of years ago and English is his second language too.
Hi Pedro - I just finished and you should be proud of getting this submitted. Realizing that English is your second language, do you have a friend or coworker that could proof read for you? Aside from all the typos, grammar, etc., I see where you wanted to go with your story. For the limitations of this challenge, I think if you trim some characters and simplify the settings, you could have a linear script. Don't give up and let's see your revision.
Hi Pedro - I just finished and you should be proud of getting this submitted. Realizing that English is your second language, do you have a friend or coworker that could proof read for you? Aside from all the typos, grammar, etc., I see where you wanted to go with your story. For the limitations of this challenge, I think if you trim some characters and simplify the settings, you could have a linear script. Don't give up and let's see your revision.
I agree. English as a second language is very hard. Hell, according to Grammarly, I don't particularly speak or write English well, and it's my first language. So, don't give up.
Perhaps you could use Grammarly. It'd help with some of the typos and language issues you might encounter. Just realize that it's set to prose writing, and screenwriting has other rules, so, there are times when you will ignore the advice.
The basic program is free. I think Anthony uses it as well. So, it is at least helpful to point out what could be wrong, then make a choice from there.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
thank you guys so much for your inspiring speeches. I appreciate it a lot and I'll do my best to implement your advises as good as I can. I'll definitely check out programs like grammarly. It's a pleasure learning from you guys. All of you.