Cooper, thanks for bumping mine. A read is in order in return.
You're a bit overly fond of the commas in a couple of places, and 30s doesn't need a ('), even though it's left over from yesteryear.
I also don't think you need the brackets in the title or the title underlined. I'm not a format stickler btw, I just feel a title jumps off the page more without underlining. I don't even care if a fancy font is used as long as the story supports its use.
I will come down on you with this common mistake below:
HARRY SVINE (30's) lays
Should be 'lies'. http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lieHarry sees this, smiles and closes his eyes.
Fragments are fine in screenplays. I'd personally replace the 'and' insert another comma for faster flow.
Considering Harry's on the way to the door and further on 'the doorbell rings again
' I'd open under that slug with the ring of the door bell. Consider though that cops with warrants usually bang on doors and don't bother with gentle rings.
Jesus! Hold on.
This dialogue is surely ripe in terms of character for an idiom instead of plain predictable speech. 'Hold your horses' is way too tame but you'll get the drift with the example. I take it these good oil' boys into what they're into would have some classics up their sleeves in terms of urban language, and this is what makes a script stand out, quirky character dialogue.Up front: The lead agent,
You're doubling up here. One or the other will do.This isn't a negotiation.
(peers into the house)
Are you trying to stall us?
I don't think he'd say the 'stall bit'. This guy's surely seen every trick in the book. He's given the warrant then he'd be in. Sure, you're setting up the whole paper trail scene but have him resist in a more ingenious way. Easy for me to say, I know... Snappier dialogue, use the odd euphemism. Jmh.
I'm being picky again, but:
'They push...' Barrel, barge perhaps?
Verb choice can make a huge difference. Too tame under the circumstances.
Perhaps introduce a bit more comedy. I like Timmy eating the paper, but maybe the last piece. And the second last goes to a dog sitting there, or down one of the girl's pants. Why all the hard copy? Seems that stack is way high for a covert business such as this in the age of high tech.No need to panic. We're just
executing a search warrant.
He might say the first line. More likely he's just ignore the girls. Them squealing is enough.
Not keen on identifying sub locations in brackets. Why not just use mini-slugs? Or just the norm with another dash.
INT. MANSION - (DOWNSTAIRS) - DAY
INT. MANSION - DOWNSTAIRS
We know it's continuous - still DAY.
I know I sound like I'm being picky yet again but even the Attorney explaining the incorrect address and the exchange with the Agent could lose a couple of lines back and forth.
Time/pace is of the essence at this point in plot. The Attorney should keep moving while he talks too. Those other Agents would be in the room with the evidence already.Timmy SHREDS more documents but a sizable pile remains.
Agents are on the other side of the door, ready to enter
Ramp up the suspense: Delete 'ready to enter'
The Montage is ill advised imh. That'd more likely be a sequence of shots.http://www.scriptgodsmustdie.com/2010/01/format-3-montage-vs-series-of-shots/
If there's no music backdrop and change in location I would write it as SOS's.
Maximise the 'typo' line, that's pretty funny (it's a bit throwaway at the moment). And maximise the visual of the address. No need to 'explain' it all. Your audience gets it.
Overall, I like this a lot. You've done nicely with me being able to visualise these characters and evoked the setting nicely.
A further twist or some misdirect or something from left of field is needed however for this to stand alone as a satisfying short.
Very enjoyable Cooper, despite my nitpicks.