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It's well written, dramatic and there's definitely a fairly major reference to the apocalypse there. I'm not going to lie, this kinda old worldly magic/theological stuff isn't really my bag, and so it wasn't really for myself.
Now, that's my opinions and taste, and by no means a slant at your work. Some people will really like this, I reckon, and I can't deny that it is well written and constructed. You've done a really good job on the visuals and it reads well.
You've built a good short here, it's just not really my taste.
Well this one was pretty cool. Pretty fuckin' weird, but I like weird.
Really interesting tale. Not sure I fully understood what was happening, but I definitely appreciated the wild imagery you provided. Some really cool action, I really liked when all the beasts came out of the church. Would work really well on screen.
Very well written for the most part. I never got bored and was able to read straight through, so kudos there.
I actually liked the ending a lot. Tied it all together with the myth of the Roanoke Colony. Creepy stuff.
Really like your logline, but I'm not too sure about the title.
I like when perps use historical stuff in their scripts especially when the research is good.
This started pretty well and was cruising along. Things went full on near the end. The period dialogue and setting was done well. The ending was a bit jumbled and perhaps hurried. Pretty good work for this OWC.
One point: not sure how Lilith could be described as being 'vivacious' when she has 'beady bloodshot eyes' at 20 years of age lol!
An interesting take on the fate of the Roanoke colony. Original setting, good period detail and dialogue that seemed mostly true to the period.
I think more tension could have been milked from the group transformation scene. It may have been more effective to reveal that secret all at once, rather than Rebecca only transforming first. Kinda blew the big reveal there.
Could've done without the dialogue between Dark Lord and Powhattan. Seems like the Indians would be way more terrified if they saw something like that.
Title is unusual, but strangely fitting here. Overall, a good job.
It started so well then it took a left at Whatthefuck town.
The dialogue was great up until "It is time, Rebecca. Reveal your true self."
After that it was expositional and lost its flair.
I'm not sure why the indigenous people always sound like, "Howgh, white man. Me Chief Talkumstrange. Me talk um...strange for no reason."
The Dark Lord at the end seemed like a Deus Ex Machina, literally and figuratively. He came out of left field and just wrapped the story up in a nice bow. Short on time? Write yourself into a corner? Who knows.
I disagree with Jordan. I don't think the Dark one
SPOILERS
I don't think the Dark One comes out of left field at all. They pray to him, invoke him, discuss how to appease him. So, only by pissing him off does he appear....
I wish you hadn't made him "devil-like" but, instead made him more Cthulu-like. Or some other version of ancient text that's forgotten, or denied by the church.
I wonder if Dena wrote this? It has that flare that her last story had. All I can say, is if Dena did write this, I could easily see this getting made into a movie.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
That's a very interesting short, a lot of imagination went in there. Nice imagery, I liked it. And I liked the story.
When Dark Lord appeared it changed into comedy to me. He smacks Stryker there - I dont' know. Maybe it's the way it's written.
I'm actually thinking you might squeeze more out of the idea, single out someone in the group of badies and make him their enemy or something. Otherwise it's a story of a bad group and that makes me care less.
I'm thinking you could cut some of the talk at the beginning. Readers are not atttentive at the beginning and you conveyed a lot of info to us through his talk right away. I think you might do it later when we are eager to know what happens to Rebecca and all. Rebecca's fate got me interested, her father should revenge, I tihnk.
Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.
None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.
Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.
None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.
As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night. And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia. No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night. And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia. No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.
If my history is correct, a resupply ship arrived at Roanoke Island to find the colony abandoned. "CROATOAN" was carved into a fence post. That's the name of a nearby island but also the name of a local Indian tribe. No one knows for certain what became of the colonists, but the most common theory was that they simply left for a better location or were slaughtered by the Indians.
I liked the period detail in this and wondered where it was going... but I was hoping for something else... the move into demonology just didn't fly for me...
Well written though and a fun spin on the challenge.
I think this works very well. Flows smoothly. Has a couple of nice twists. I did think Stryker was a bit wordy at the beginning but we got through the exposition pretty quickly and efficiently. Very nice work. This is one of my top two
Here, I simply couldn't identify with the story. I'm sorry for that - it just wasn't my topic. The huge amount of characters and their whole mystic church talk left me cold. Don't take it personal, my critique here is merely based on what stories I like. The script is well executed and its presentation is absolutely tidy. I just couldn't connect to the plot.