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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Who They Were - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Who They Were - QC  (currently 1175 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Who They Were by 0 - Short, Romance - The elderly folk of a retirement home find comfort in the simplest of things.  3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

- she has to be in her nineties.



A lot of black on the first page and this is down to things like the above. If she's in her 90s just say so, (93).

I'm skimming and I'm not at page 2 yet.

My finger slipped and I scrolled all the way to the end. Oh well, can't go back now.
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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HI,

Good idea for a short.
And I appreciate the fact you didn't use a line of dialog in this.
You still should cap your main characters I think.

On page 2 you start a scene with "an old woman" and I don't know who are you talking about - another character or else.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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It took a long time getting to any action. It was all description and fly-over. It could've just started with an old couple under a tree.

I appreciate the motions and beckoning but it needs dialog. A simple "Leave the jump rope; we'll get it later" and "Come on. You can do it." Just to break it all up.

Did I mistakenly think there were no vital signs? They held hands afterwards?
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DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Some "rookie" errors.  Be specific in your character descriptions.  

Personally, I always give my main characters names.  If you don't care enough to name your characters, then why should I care about them??

This was cute, but, flawed.  I got a bit confused at certain points, and for a 3 page script, that isn't good.

SPOILERS

So, a family leaves a jump rope, 2 random people see it, and somehow, they see themselves as young people again, and what fall in love as they die??  

That's sad.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Opening passage is just about the very last way you'd want to start a 3 page script, as it is absolutely unnecessary...and costly.

OK, sorry, but I'm out.  1/2 a page in and it feels like 3 pages already.  WAY overwritten and dense and seemingly going nowhere.

No grade


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty ambitious not to have dialogue but it works in this 3 page max. Was overwritten at times but the feeling you were evoking came through nicely. Jump rope was used well and not just thrown in too. Liked this one


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pale yellow
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Love a script without dialogue and for this ... I"m not going to fault you with the heavy descriptions even though it does bog the read. If you can find a way to shorten them.. it'll read faster.

I love this concept. I think it fits the parameters perfectly.

A few typos here and there ... to be expected in three days.

Great job.


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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Like Stevie says, this was pretty ambitious to take 2 1/2 pages and pack it with action sequences.  Now I think you cheated just a tad and had a couple of instances where the characters spoke to one another that probably should have been in dialogue blocks, but what the hell. It was well written and evoked some nice imagery.  Reminded me a little of the ending of the Notebook (OKAY I'M A GUY AND I SAW THE NOTEBOOK - MY WIFE MADE ME!).  All in all, well done here.

Best,
Gary


Click on the link for my blog as Rick Hansberry and I take script from concept to completion (and hopefully to the screen) Lake Regret Movie
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
EXT. CITY - DAY
Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex
of dwellings. From the car park, paths lead to a reception
office, past a big sign that reads:


I don't think any of this is relevant. It's also taking up valuable writing space and reads awkwardly.

Okay I think I know why you put it there. This is very over written and you still didnít use up the 3 pages. It's just padding.

The story at its core is quite good, I enjoyed it but it's a slog to get through. I think it needs a massive trim and, I think some dialogue would only help.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Too much description, and it's not even a full 3 pages.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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This is more short story than short script.

It's the only 3-page script in this challenge I skipped after page 1 because of all prose.  It may well be a lovely, touching story but it's totally lost on me due to all the extra writing. Just imagine a script reader trying to go through 90 pages of that and they've got ten scripts to read that day, they would throw it in the bin after 5 pages, tops.

Sorry for my blunt opinion but I'm actually trying to help. If you sent such a script off to a festival or competition you would be dismissed quickly and I'll give you a couple of examples.

Opening Block:

"Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex of dwellings. From the car park, paths lead to a reception office, past a big sign that reads...."

Your using an establishing shot in a 3-page script. Not only that you are suggesting camera shots. This is normally part of a shooting script.

"The nurse stops in the shade of a huge elm. The old woman turns her head slowly, squints. The nurse adjusts her blanket, murmurs to her; the old woman nods, smiles. The nurse checks her watch before hurrying back inside."

Here you are giving detailed directions to the actors. It's almost down to the level of telling them how to breath. Let the actors decide how they are going to act. You just focus on telling the story.

I hope my notes are useful and you don't feel like stabbing me too much!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Alright, I toughed it out and read through without skimming.

This has some light. BUT-

It needs serious work in the execution department.

Example:

>Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex
of dwellings.

How are we "moving over"? Flying? Driving?

You mean, and Aerial Shot? But does it even matter?

This is a tender story about human life. It's a snapshot. All those City Visuals aren't necessary for this.

These people are mere Old Man and Old Woman. Nothing more?

Is that all they are? Is that all they amount to?

Who are they and why do they matter?

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Not the most original of images, but pulled off well enough. I guess I don't really care that they used to be young and beautiful -- it would be nice to see what's in their lives now. My grandfather's 93 and not great on his feet, but he's still growing and learning and changing. It'd be nice to see -- along with the nice memories -- a nice day with these two. Memories of being young are just a small part of being old. Or so I'm told.


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Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from Heretic
My grandfather's 93 and not great on his feet, but he's still growing and learning and changing.


Yeah... I suppose we look at old age as a wind-down, as though they've stopped living. It's hard getting into their minds... all I get from my nan is fear and regret. Same with my GF's granddad. Fear and regret. I think these type of thoughts sink in with immobility. My nan cannot walk far and she can hardly see. My Gf's grandad is confined to his house and from talking to the family, on both sides, it's like deep down, they are just waiting for them to die so they can divvy up their belongings. Circling like vultures. Not all of them, obviously. People with genuine intent are the minority.
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