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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  The Fear of Blood - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    The Fear of Blood - OWC  (currently 828 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Fear of Blood by Anonymous - Adult, Short, Horror - Reagan's fear of blood is tearing her life a part. Does her sister Cassidy have what it takes, to free her from a prison of fear? 10 pages - pdf, format

Hemophobia - Fear of blood


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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Any...

First thing's first. The margins of the pdf seem off. Very spaced ut between character slugs and dialogue. Kind of tough to ignore. Done correctly, you may have a had a page to spare, maybe two....but the narrative reads about right, s I just have to wonder.

DR. Shaw is fine. No need to have his intro character slug with his full name.In fact, if he's the only Shaw, you can just use Shaw. The conversation implies he's a doctor anyway. There's no description of Shaw, which is odd. And he clears his throat. In order to see that, we have to see him.  (again, the funky spacing isn't helping matters)


The teen is having a bloody nose. Swears in front of his mother in a public place (note:this is a
PSYCHIATRIST's office. I'll let that sink in for  moment as the kid with a bleeding nose says what he says. The kid's bloody nose is the least of his problems. Mama might Take his phone privileges away. at least. To a teen, that's cruel and unusual punishment   BTW--- is it TEENAGE SON or TEENAGE BOY? How old is the woman?


p7? p6? (page numbers at bottom of page, some missing)
Something is happening. What's happening? Forget this line, you don't need it. You're about to show me....and...wait just a minute. I got to...process something.

A pregnant woman of an unknown age  has a sudden case of Vaginal bleeding. In a Drugstore.
Okay. Now I processed this...

Now I have to process Regan's real affliction which is...well, it doesn't matter. The spacing issues was bad enough, but then I'm hit with vaginal blood and a twist that comes out of nowhere. What a cop out. I'm done.

I


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RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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The first thing I noticed was that the spacing is off - definitely stands out.

It might be just me but I don't like the intro 'as average as they come' - these days everybody is so vastly different that you really need to think about who your characters are and describe them as such.

He pretends to measure her waist - with what? I immediately pictured a measuring tape and thought 'that is really out of place' reading the next line I think it was with his hands, but this threw me.

If my finance was to call me a chubby bride - even joking around - he'd be slapped upside the head (I know - abuse, abuse).

Ok - bottom of the first page says the streets are bustling because it's New York after all - take my lead:

FADE IN:

EXT. CURBSIDE - NEW YORK - DAY

The streets bustles with busy pedestrians.

A snow cone cart sits on the sidewalk. The VENDOR, 50's, drizzles blood-red syrup......etc, etc.

^^ This sets the scene immediately, otherwise there is no sense of a bustling New York street before you tell us.

Dr Shaw needs an intro.

I know you have an interesting story in this somewhere and the sister angle is sweet, but this needs a lot of work.

Hope this helps.

RJ
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eldave1
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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As others have said - the spacing is way off. Fix that and the format is generally fine.

SPOILERS

Not sure about the phobia - she hasn't a fear of blood. She has a lust for it and fears that she can't control that lust - is that a phobia?

THis was a little OTN


Quoted Text
REAGAN
(weeping)
After I was attacked that night, I did all
the right things. Went to the hospital,
filed a police report. Even counseling.
How could I have known any of this would
happen.


I think the point could have better been made between dialogue with the sister and her fiance.

Not on love with the ending at all - seemed like horror for horror's sake - I know that might sound inane given the genre, but for me it would be a far more interesting twist is she self-destructed (suicide or something) to prevent her from succumbing to her lust (maybe the sister has to assist in this regard) then going out the way she did.


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JEStaats
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Not going to repeat what others have already mentioned about formatting except that there are a lot of free screenwriting apps you can download. I use Trelby (free, no strings attached or ads) but there are a lot to choose from. It's obvious you did this in Word, or come other similar software.

Good news is that I liked the twist with the hemophobia because of what the sight of bloods causes her to do. Good job. The RIP was meh.

Hit the formatting rules and take heed to what the others have already mentioned. Kudos for entering.
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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Spacing issues have blown your page count out.


Quoted Text
Itís New York
City after all.


Is there something showing us we are in NY, not sure we would get that from a busy street.

The dialogue seems a little too young for a 27 and 30 year old.


Quoted Text
DR. SHAW (O.S)
Are you two close?
REAGAN
Weíre sisters.


So are they close or not? Just because they are sisters means nothing.


Quoted Text
Blood gushes down her thighs and calves.


These encounters with blood seem very convenient for the story and not very natural.

Some missing punctuation here and there.

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
REAGAN
You see, it isnít the blood that I fearÖ
The bartender dabs his forehead with his hand. Blood smears
on his fingertips.
REAGAN
(opening her eyes)
The true fear is what I will do if I give
in to my thirst. Now I know, I will never
be at peace until I become who I am truly
meant to be.


You chose the fear of blood as your phobia and the clearly state thatís not the case.

How is Reagan getting around during the day? Or is she one of those Twilight type vampires?


Quoted Text
He draws his gun and squeezes off a single shot. POW!


POW? I donít think you need this comic book style sound effect.

Not sure there is any phobia present in this script.

The vampire angle feels very forced.

Probably be lucky to hit 6 pages if it was formatted properly.

All the best.


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Afraid, for myself anyway, it read like an episode of Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, not a good thing unless you're deliberately setting an off kilter comedy tone, in which case it's genius.

Spacing is jiggered, the plot is confusing as all get up and the dialogue is so on the nose it kills it before it even starts. Inspite of this, you have few obvious typos and at least the structure of a script in place.

Hit reset, fix the spacing and try again. Something to build on here, but not this story,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

Revision History (1 edits)
Cam Gray  -  October 23rd, 2017, 1:57am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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Reagan's a bit of a blood magnet isn't she? Everywhere she goes, people are having accidents and babies.

This read like a pisser to me. Sorry if that's not the case but it did. Either way it didn't float my boat.

-Mark


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JakeJon
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,
Some colorful scenes I guess.  But the logic  of the character actions were off for me.

I became confused early.  At first, Reagan is scared by the blood but she turns into a blood sucking demon.  The drugs weren't working I guess.  Didn't buy the sisterly love connection.

Sometimes I was laughing and sometimes just wondering what was going on.

In the end, interesting approach to the OWC.

Regards,

JJ
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, writer. Thanks for entering.

I liked the fact that she doesn't have a fear of blood but rather of what might happen when she sees blood. I  liked that line of dialog very much and I liked what happened to her after.

But I couldn't understand how Cassidy suddenly turned to be an experienced vampire slayer. She behaved like she and her fiance knew how to handle a vampire.

There are some repetitions. For example, you write "He is having a nosebleed. Blood drips from his nostrils' - you could leave just the second sentence.
The spacing - there shouldn't be gaps after the character.
And the margins are off a bit.
But that's an easy fix.

The fiance sounds off. He's complaining about her sister not being present as if he hates Reagan for something. Very strange.

Everywhere she goes is blood. Here I go for years without seeing a person bleed and she encounters it every day.

Thanks for entering. and good luck to you with it.
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DanC
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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This twist didn't work for me.  Her fear of blood isn't a true phobia.  

SPOILERS.  It just activates her "issue."  Like wolfsbane activates a werewolf.

I think this story might do better if you didn't have the parameters set in.

The story, for the parameters, didn't work for me.  Without the parameters, it was pretty good.

The biggest issue is, I'd like to see evidence of the sexual assault before hand only to find out that what happened to her was far worse than assault.  That's the horror story you can share and take to the next level.

Dan


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Well, with a title like this, it's going 1 of 2 ways...let's hope it's not the obvious.

Odd opening Slug, to say the least, and reading on, incorrect.

"as average as they come" - terrible character description.  Tells us nothing.

Dialogue is very odd and stilted.

Spacing appears to be fucked up, making this very padded, or much longer than it should be.

How does anyone know they're in NYC?

OK, weird and awkward writing all over the pace and the spacing is so fucked up, I'm not going to waste my time.

NO GRADE


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stevemiles
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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REAGAN THURGOOD (25) black, pixie cut hair.

Maybe just me, but I read that sentence as Reagan was black.  That Cassidy wasnít introduced with race meant I spent the whole script waiting to see how it figured into the plot - them being sisters and all.  Maybe, Ďdark, pixie cut hairí - or leave it out altogether.  Itís minor, but it threw me out.

No doubt the line spacing has been mentioned above...

Far too convenient that Reagan should have not one but three blood based encounters in one day.  That kind of plotting weakens the story.

Twist ahoy - sister and fiance just happen to be vampire hunters.  Well, I didnít see that coming, but itís not an angle I can get with, not given the tone.  Maybe if you played it more for fun?  Did they know?  Is that why they were visiting, to take out poor old vampire sis?  Again, it falls to a vey convenient situation.

So Reagan isnít afraid of blood?  Iím not sure you thought this idea through given the parameters.  Shame as I thought you had something with that set-up - the image of the snow-cone, elevator scene - it was going somewhere.  Then the contrivances start piling up and you lost me.  

A vampire with a phobia of blood - Iím thinking that could have been a stronger choice to base your story around.  Phobia based Halloween horror right there.  Sorry to say the scattershot plotting doesnít work for me this time around.


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Vickyn
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I thought it was an interesting take on the overdone vampire genre. To have someone resisting their natural urges to drink blood and doing their best to stay away from it makes the character interesting.

However, Reagan even says it's not really a fear of blood, it's a fear of giving into her thirst so that makes this one a little tough for me. If she didn't say this, the reader could go on believing it was a fear of blood and learn on their own what it really was, which wouldn't be as bad. But when the main character admits their fear that the whole story is built upon isn't her real fear, that makes it work less well overall.

The writing was good, but the severe spacing issues causes the presentation to be sloppier than it should have been. The script is also shorter than the page count suggests because of the spacing. Just make sure when you submit a script for someone to read or to a contest, that all of the formatting/spacing is professional because many will stop reading immediately if it doesn't look like a professional wrote it.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Like the phobia you chose to write about.

I do not think you need quotation marks around your title.

Logline needs work.

Instead of opening with a shrink discussion.. why not open with maybe a freak attack over blood.. maybe while she's trying to give blood ... or they are doing a blood test... or anything to show her fear.

I do like the elevator thing.. being stuck in an elevator with your biggest fear... that is a good idea. I'd have liked to see that scene first maybe. Then give us some history... show more than you tell when writing.

Alprazolam mmm NICE choice.

Why does the pregnant woman bleed out in the pharmacy? That was a weird choice.

LIke that her 'true fear' was that if she got near blood she would do something terrible. Good job.

If she looked like that in a bar though I do not think it would be that nonchalant.

Stabs her sister... hmm hard to kill your own... if you were going to use this .. you should've showed a strong bond between them near the beginning... so that this would be a bigger gut punch at the end.. .or that it would so very hard for her to do this.

Think adding conflict and cutting this down and reworking it would be worth the time. You have a lot of GOOD things in here.. just need to rework it a bit.

Good job.


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