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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Ayisiyinihkân - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    Ayisiyinihkân - OWC  (currently 770 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ayisiyinihkân by Sir Cornholio - Adult, Short, Horror - Two convicts on the run have to face their fears if they are to escape. 12 pages - pdf, format

Formidophobia  - Fear of scarecrows


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Tw pages in and I wonder why Karl keeps falling. Then when Tom comes to help him, he makes a racial slur., and most of his dialogue has been profanity up to (and beyond) this point, so my first thoughts on Karl is Tom, cut your losses and leave the bastard in your dust. But they stick together. Which eans I have to listen to mister F bomb Karl until about p6 when they stumble onto the farm. Not sure why there's a beach near the farm, but it is here where the story kcks in.

I like it how Tom is one for superstition, and he really does come across as  spooked. However, they are on the run and almost got nabbed by the authorities, so why wouldn't they be jumpy?
No I take that back...


Quoted Text
"Kaw!Kaw!Kaw! ....You should see the look on your face!"


I'm right. Tom should have left this bum. And I'm very tempted to check out.
By the way, Tom has a fear  of the scarecrow not a crow.


Quoted Text
"Go ahead of me you big baby"

Thank you Karl. I am now doing what Tom should have done back on p2.

Whether they get caught by the scarecrow or the cops, I couldn't care which.

Sorry.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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RJ
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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This doesn't really start until the middle. The first half, although trying to set character development a little, seems a tad monotonous - fleeing upon more fleeing in the dark.

Fear of scarecrows - knew the corn fields were coming. I thought you were going to twist it so that Tom turned into the scarecrow....

Liked how Karl was hiding - cheeky.

Did not like how RIP fitted in.

Have to say that parts of this are good, while others not so much. Dialogue worked for the most part, but action needs some tweaking to read more crisp. I don't overly love it, but I did like it.

RJ
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Some of this works really well, some doesn't. The final showdown in the cornfield is atmospheric, dark and tense. The setup is not so good.

When it started, I had a real 'Oh Brother were art thou' vibe so I was really thrown when one of them suddenly mentioned the Discovery Channel. A lot of this seems like it would suit an earlier era so consider that.

Karl is annoying and throws out every stereotypical thing going. He needs work but has potential. Then they have this whole conversation while swimming, which seemed weird.

It's a real mix this script but I really can see it working well if the kinks were ironed out.

-Mark  


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept. I do appreciate this was a tough one because you have to keep them moving the whole time and still try to find some moments to develop character. But standing at a river bank arguing over Discovery Channel shows brought things to a screeching halt. Same with the conversation while in the water swimming for their lives.

I dunno, this is hard to pull off. I think you have to get into the story later. Skip the running. Start with them holed up in an abandoned Farmhouse planning their next move and creepy scarecrow shenanigans ensue.


That rug really tied the room together.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Phobia - check, although I think it would have been interesting to hear the Cree backstory from Tom instead of the Farmer. RIP - Check, but meh.

The story has some promise with a rev or two. Watch out for the 4+ action lines. I have to agree with an earlier comment about why Tom stuck with Karl. Geez, what a dick. He would've gone a lot farther without the dead weight. Now, if they were chained at the ankle...? But they surely wouldn't have jumped in the lake!

Good effort - Kudos for entering.
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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
SMACK! Karl cracks his head on a low branch and crashes
to the ground again.


I'm not a fan of these kind of sound effects, makes me think of a cheesy comic book. I feel the action line would be just as effective without it.

Was a bit confused for a second, you said BEACH in the scene heading so I automatically assumed an ocean, then we find out it's a lake. Maybe try clear that up. Not a huge deal but it did take me out of the read for a moment.

A bit of passive writing here and there.

Not really sure why they took their shoes off.


Quoted Text
FOXTROT TROOPER
They must have got the drop on
him. Stick together.


OTN


Quoted Text
The scarecrow watches them. A soft, low rustle is heard,
like a breeze through the corn. It grows louder, and
louder, and louder, until--


Until what? Until fade out or are we meant to be expecting something to happen? And if so, what?

Lots of on the nose dialogue. It’s basically an uneventfull chase scene right up until the end. The fear of the lake seemed to play a bigger part than the scarecrow. The whole phobia premise was week throughout.

Feels like a well-trodden story.

All the best.


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Warren  -  October 24th, 2017, 1:43am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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What's with that title?

Dialogue is not good.

I'm wondering where this is supposed to be taking place - prison, woods, rocky beach.  Doesn't seem to add up.

This doesn't come off as remotely real.  The conversation about TV show is quite funny, but in a pisser-like way.

Now we're in a "corn farm"?  WTF?  Damn, dude...c'mon...

Never a reason to write a 5 line passage.

"SUPER TROOPER"?  WTF?  Is this supposed to be a joke or pisser?  I don't get it.

"NEWB TROOPER"?  Huh?  This is getting really, really bad quickly.

"HUNTER TROOPER"?  Damn...maybe this is supposed to be a pisser after all?

"-- and comes face to face with the Scarecrow!"  Not sure if this is meant to be funny, but it is, the way it's written with the exclamation point.  Oh man...

OK, once I read FOXTROT TROOPER, that was enough.  This is downright silly.

Grade - *





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eldave1
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Heavy breathing as two CONVICTS run through a field of
tall grass. The long, far off wail of a siren starts up.
In the hazy distance behind them, spotlights crisscross
in search patterns over the field.

TOM (40s), a big Native American, jumps nimbly over a
creek. He looks back as KARL (30s), African American,
makes the jump but falls short, splashing at the edge of
the water.


Why not flip this - intro Tom and Karl in the first paragraph.


Quoted Text
SUPER TROOPER
(over megaphone)
Convicts! Return to shore
immediately!


Convicts? Really? Never would be stated this way.

The dialogue is generally stilted,  unnatural - does not sound like two convicts on the run. Too expositional.


Quoted Text
The two State Troopers trudge through the corn.


Not sure that his is a proper character into.

You don't need the water/lake scene at all.  Just go straight to the cornfield.

Wasn't really for me story wise. Kudos on getting an entry in.



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DanC
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Everyone else said pretty much what I felt.  Parts were pretty good, others weren't.

I think part of the issue is that we are all waiting for the phobia part to kick in.  So, everything else reads like a Godzilla movie.  Are they here to fight yet?  

It took forever to get to the phobia part.  I think this story would get better if it didn't have the parameters to tie it down.

Dan


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pale yellow
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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I do not like the title ... I don't even know how to say that.. I googled it and found scarecrow.

Not big on either Karl or Tom. Karl seems to be a klutz...it's almost like watching the three stooges at the beginning. Then it seems like Karl has a water phobia.. yet I thought this was about a scarecrow phobia so I'm confused in the first few pages so far.

Both characters sound alike. They do not have their own voice.

I think if they are running for their freedom... they aren't going to stop and talk about stuff while the dogs close in on them.

So now I see Tom is the one afraid of the scarecrow.

Kinda funny at the end. But this one needs a little more work for me to love it. It has some potential though.

Good work.


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JakeJon
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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So,  Sir Cornholio, I'm laughing even before I start the read.

Great stuff.  Perhaps the easiest read of the bunch so far for me.  Had a Cool Hand Luk-ish thing going on.

I thought the way you introduced the fear on Page 5.  was "experienced writer" worthy.  Have no idea how to pronounce Ayisiyinihkan, or what it means.  Is it really Cree?  Doesn't matter.  I felt Tom's fear through scene description, Karl's action and dialogue and just a single word, whisper from Tom:  MASTERFUL I thought.

BUT:
I wished you had given the troopers names.

I tossed the ending around.  Wasn't sure about Karl's last scene dialogue, pulling it all together.
But the scarecrow watching them as they leave sealed the deal.

You holed it!

JJ

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stevemiles
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quick, entertaining read.  Doesn't take itself too seriously which doesn't help ramp up the horror/tension but the writing flowed and the story kept moving.  Nice feint with Karl’s fear of water.  Dialogue's a little hit and miss.  You kept the phobia in the picture and kept the twists coming.  A solid effort.  Had to google the title to get the meaning - my Cree’s a little rusty...


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Lols, Cornholio?? Obviously a Mike Judge creations fan.

So then, scarecrows. There's not really a phobia going on here, just somebody who's afraid of someone dressed as a scarecrow, this is my opinion obviously, but I didn't buy it.

It is however a right fun read. It came across as a kinda B movie happy horror, and inspite of the 12 pages it just flew by. Also, couldn't help but laugh at all the exclamation marks, not sure what that was all about, but it added some comedy element to the script that was out with the plot.

Overall, decent little romp. Quite liked this but I just didn't get the phobia element required.

Cam
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khamanna
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

It's really well written. THe characters are distinguishable.

THe story is a little bland I must say as you don't let us learn their personal stories.
It's just them running away and Tom facing his fears.
Started and ended well. Very neat and tidy.
Karl was quite funny at a couple of places.
It would be fun to watch something like that.

THanks for entering.
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