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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Close the Door
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  Author    Close the Door  (currently 716 views)
Don
Posted: October 29th, 2017, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Close the Door by Oscar Moreno - Short, Horror - A girl pays the price for her absent-mindedness and discovers a dark secret about her life. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: October 30th, 2017, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Oscar - didn't quite understand the story here. Seems like it is the opening to one rather than a complete one.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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OscarM
Posted: October 30th, 2017, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey eldave, thanks for reading! I just wanted to do something really simple about a girl not knowing she lives with a monster inside her house and then accidentally unleashing it because she wasn't paying attention. You may be right, though. There's possibly more I could do with it. Again, thanks for reading and your feedback. PLease let me know if you ever need the favor returned!
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eldave1
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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No problem - glad it helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
Posted: November 1st, 2017, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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O,
Your writing is vivid.  If you're familiar with the word "denouement", great.  I had to look it up.  Kind of lacking with respect to that.

Stretch it!  Needs more.

Regards

jj
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OscarM
Posted: November 1st, 2017, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading me and for providing feedback again, JJ! I'm thinking up how to make it work better. Again, please let me know if you ever me to return the favor.
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Fausto
Posted: November 1st, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Oscar, good story but in my view, too short. Readers/viewers cannot imagine everything you have in your creative mind. Do some work on it and you'll have a good script with many possibilities.
All my best,
Fausto
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OscarM
Posted: November 1st, 2017, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and for your comments, Fausto! Again, you're all giving me a lot to think about!
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Marty
Posted: November 4th, 2017, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Oscar,

I agree with Dave, JJ and Fausto.

This is a good start.

Formatting, nothing really wrong or incorrect.

Your premise and idea is pretty straight forward, which is good.

I think the consensus is, it's just a tad bit on the short side even for a short.

Give us just a little bit more in regards to the story.

Best of luck to you with all your current and future projects.
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OscarM
Posted: November 4th, 2017, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Marty, thanks for your feedback! I've come up with a very brief scene for the beginning that I think sets up the whole short better and that helps in the pay-off and the overall short:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/zoly9nepd7wnwe3/CLOSETHEDOOR%20NOV%202017%201.pdf?dl=0
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Marty
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Oscar,

First off, good job taking feedback and criticism and working on a fix. It's all apart of the game.

I see what you are are trying to do there with the back and forth text messaging and the sending of photos. I think it adds a little bit more to the story that it was lacking.

Overall, I think what's missing for me, and maybe me only, is the lack of feeling I have for your main character (Leanne). I feel bad for her on the surface but nothing deeper. But maybe with being such a short, short. That is expected.

All the best,
Marty
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OscarM
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks again, Marty!
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Marty
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Oscar,

Always willing to help out. I hope you find it helpful.

All the best,
Marty
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