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The Tooth Fairy - WT (currently 2785 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:29am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Tooth Fairy by 0 - Short, Horror - 0 - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:18pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Holy shit. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 1 - 31 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:48pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Not sure why, but when I read this line it totally derailed my train of thought: Pale shafts of light trap writhing dust motes.
Otherwise, I like the creep factor and knowing that total mayhem is about to occur with the child's impending scream. Nice work. |
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Reply: 2 - 31 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:17pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Quoted Text Not sure why, but when I read this line it totally derailed my train of thought: Pale shafts of light trap writhing dust motes.
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Gotta say the same. Dunno why either, but that line totally threw me off and I had to read it a couple times. Gruesome tale, though. Short, sweet, and to the point. |
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Reply: 3 - 31 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:06pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hmm, I didn't get it. It seems very interesting though - the visuals are amazing. But ultimately, I'd like someone to explain this to me. What if it's a diamond and I'm just not getting it? |
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Reply: 4 - 31 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:22pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hmm, I didn't get it. It seems very interesting though - the visuals are amazing. But ultimately, I'd like someone to explain this to me. What if it's a diamond and I'm just not getting it? |
The girl lost a tooth and received $20 for it. The father threw a bit of a hissy fit that he spent money on pliers and got chewed out by the mother, but she doesn't bat an eye giving their daughter $20 for a loose tooth. Turns out the mother didn't give the daughter money after all because she believes that the father did it. The father didn't do it either. So who gave the girl money? A crazy guy from a psychiatric hospital broke into their home, took the pliers, and is now threatening to pull a tooth from the girl's mouth after he gave her money for the tooth she already lost. Took me a couple reads, but I believe that's what's going on here. |
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Reply: 5 - 31 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:25pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Thanks, Sean. But how is her being a frog factor in? |
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Reply: 6 - 31 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:32pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Thanks, Sean. But how is her being a frog factor in? |
I would say, frogs don't have teeth. But after a quick google search, apparently they do. |
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Reply: 7 - 31 |
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LC |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:40pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ooh, I thought these weren't up till the 4th! ... Okay, I get the script totally. It has a certain person's trademark theme all over it too. Least I think of does... Yeah... 'Writhing dust motes' is a bit much. 'Dust motes float in a shaft of sunlight' would be better. See! My autocorrect just tried to changes motes to mites. Perhaps yours did a similar thing? Anyway... Terrific, creepy one-pager! Exactly what a super short should do. Good on you. P.S. The first review above is a good one. Very apt. Says it all. |
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Reply: 8 - 31 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:41pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Ok, thanks. Either way, it's visual, extremely creepy and makes for an interesting read overall. |
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Reply: 9 - 31 |
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LC |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:44pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
What's this about a frog? I miss something? |
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Reply: 10 - 31 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:46pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
What's this about a frog? I miss something? |
Lol, I think it's because of this line:
Quoted Text Floorboards groan under Minka’s leapfrog assault. |
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Reply: 11 - 31 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:52pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
There's also a line that says "Minka takes one big hop inside to reveal a figure in a white dress. So I thought she's a frog that turned into a princess or something. Am I completely off?
Lol, the writer must roll his eyes at me now)
P.S. ok, got it now. everything is clear as she's not a frog. The writing tripped me a bit. The psycho is a tooth fairy! This is funny and fresh. Yeah, liked this. |
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Reply: 12 - 31 |
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LC |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 6:22pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ah, okay. Nope, I think she's just a boisterous kid, Kham. |
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Reply: 13 - 31 |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:34pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Creepy AF. The writing was a bit confusing in parts, like the actual word choices.
Enjoyable though. |
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Reply: 14 - 31 |
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