The Temp by Shonagh Ingram (Shonagh) - Short - James is shocked to discover his new temping assignment involves working for Death himself, especially when he finds his own name amongst the paperwork. - doc, format

Wasn't that long so i read it. Lol. The convo. between mother and son was alright. Some different dialouge and it would of been better and i do compliment on the great job with the detail. You did'nt give too much or little. Once he enters the building i got that kinda men in black feel. Ya know? I liked how you did all that and such. The rest i enjoyed. Not my type of story but i did enjoy it. So good work on it all and good luck on you later projects.

Andrew

I plan to read this, soon. Be back later with revew.

OK, here it goes

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OK, while it was interesting, the description is very misleading and the story itself, in my opinion, was to short. I sits down and starts working, and there is no indication that he is working for death until the fax of his impending doom comes in. You need to give indications of the fact that it's death. Don't make everyone all despondant and silent as they were, make it seem as if it is a normal office, people chatting, laughing, and working. Also, show James getting this paperwork with people's death times, and becoming weirded out. He asks a co-worker and they reply noncholantly that they catalouge the time of death of all people. The person works there regularly, so he wouldn't be freaked out by the job. I like the idea of voiding his own death. Very clever, but don't make it a flashback. It'd be better if he ntoices that on one of the first papers he has to fill out, and as Death glides towards him, he remembers that and just manages to save his skin.


On a high note, the ending is awsome, with the screech of subway brakes as something malfuctions, and the camera slowly pans to a paper which says that his death was moved up to 5:14. That's great.

Cheers for the feedback guys. This was the first script ever I wrote (aw, I was so young and carefree back then) and to be honest I haven't touched it since, but a director I have been working with on something else read it and liked the idea and asked me if I could do something with it. I remember when I wrote it I couldn't decide whether I wanted it to be funny or scary, so I tried for both and it came out neither. Though shockingly, I entered it for a competition at the time and it got to the final (it wasn't a very big competition!).

Andrew - thanks for the feedback ('wasn't that long so I read it', LOL x). Yeah I can see what you mean by the Men In Black reference, hadn't thought of that before.

Lameusername055 - again thanks for taking the time to read it. Can I ask what you meant by 'the description is misleading' (I'm not arguing with it, I'm just not sure what you mean)? It is very short, at the time I was trying to keep it under 6 minutes so I could enter it in the competition, but now I'm not bound by any time constrictions I'll probably have a go at extending it.  I was trying to throw in not so subtle clues about the fact he was working for death (the fax machine not being plugged in, the 'matrix style' copy room, the notice at lunch) but maybe someone just needs to come out and say it. Also the reason he doesnt just run off screaming is because he has promised his mum he'll make an effort this time (that was the whole point of the conversation at the beginning), but I realise I haven't actually made that clear. The office was supposed to be normal with people chatting, laughing etc., just not to him. That was my experience of being a temp, no-one makes the effort to talk to you and you end up feeling very isolated and lonely even though you're in a room full of people.  I'll try to make that more obvious. Glad you like the ending, consensus amongst the friends and family that read it was 'that's a bit depressing'!

Ok I'm feeling quite motivated to have a go at a re-write now, anyone else got any comments that might help?


Shonagh

Shonagh - I PM'd you.

Hey Shonagh,

Read this on the bus home from work - this is your first script you ever wrote?! Great work, really!!

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I thought you did a terrific job with the description of the surroundings of the office. Everything about the script was easy to visualise, all of it, well done.

I think the introduction was good too, I enjoyed the mother and son part, I think it was very normal and typical of mothers around the world, and well, was easy to identify with. I remember when I tempped, never heard the end of it EVER, LOL! The point is, the dialogue was real.

You set the scene outside the office brilliantly. Eery to begin with and even more strange inside... kept me wondering what he was letting himself in for...

I was wondering when I read this, was the reception supposed to not really be there? One minute it isn't then the next minute it is? My point is, even though everything about that place is obviously dodge, is it supposed to be there permanently or just for him? Like, even after he dies, would it still be there?? Was on my mind is all...

I'll be honest, when he noticed the fax not being plugged in, it didn't sit well with me. I know its fiction I know, and when I watch movies that sometimes do this, I would always yell at the scream "why doesn't it work?!Ask someone why! Make it obvious to those weirdos around you!! But then I have to remind myself that the story would suddenly stop if I let my reality part come through too much. Sorry, that was my only gripe with that part.

Absolutely loved the way James finds out about his own death, the way you countdown the time, it's very well done. I think the co-workers being so weird and distant, was a bit OTT, I just think he would've at some point made efforts to talk to someone properly to figure out why everyone was so strange. But that's me.

When reaper arrives, I was pretty surprised that he didn't take him there and then, but the flashback worked really well after that and am glad you did it that way. Was a good twist. I was waiting for the moment death would catch up to him, but you did it in a really original way and want to congratualte you on it, because it really was unlike anything else I'd read before.

Andy,

PS - hope to see more of your work.

Wow thanks Andy, really appreciate your feedback. I'm just amazed by the response I have had to this script - I have now been contacted by three different directors wanting to produce it - one of them is actually writing a completely new version and translating it into Georgian (Georgia is near Armenia in the old USSR apparently), I'm about to go international! It has really motivated me to get on with my re-write, which will hopefully deal with all the problems that you guys have pointed out.

Hi Shonagh. Not my favourite subject matter but a very good script, especially for your first. Comments below.

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Although not the most original premise, I think you excecuted it well. Your descriptions are very good and easy to visualise. I'd suggest perhaps breaking up some of the longer the descriptions into smaller paragraphs but that's just nitpicking.
You set the scene in the office very well and I think you were right to keep the other workers silent. I would have expected more of a reaction from James as he realised what the job involved, perhaps asking one of the other workers, only to be ignored.
The pacing towards the end was very good, the use of the clock was very effective. I also liked the void idea.
As for the ending, I really loved the twist. Good job!

Very refreshing!

It has a very Bristish movie vibe in my eyes. Dry humor, that would convey very well to a film. The grey hues of the office, the way Death floats. I can picture things very well. Nice word useage. You painted the world for me as many other have failed to do.

I too enjoyed the conversation between Mum and son. Nice everyday humor. The mundane is humorous for some reason.

Nice job!