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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Red Sublime Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2011, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Red Sublime by Eric Hansen (inquiringmind) - Short - Into the mind of a photographer who travels out into the countryside hunting for the sublime in nature.    4 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Dressel
Posted: May 3rd, 2011, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Eric,

I got a very strong David Lynch type vibe from this one, in that I didn't quite understand what was going on; yet it seemed like it was trying to illicit a particular feeling.  But yeah, it's hard to comment on the story because I couldn't quite figure out what it was.

Lose the last line "Woah, did that just happen?" because it's too on the nose.

There are a lot of formatting, grammar and spelling mistakes throughout.  It would take awhile to go through and list them all, but hopefully someone will take the time to do that.

Also, a guy who listens to Janis Joplin and The Rolling Stones would not be listening to Phantom Planet.

-Matt


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Inquiringmind
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Eric,

I got a very strong David Lynch type vibe from this one, in that I didn't quite understand what was going on; yet it seemed like it was trying to illicit a particular feeling.  But yeah, it's hard to comment on the story because I couldn't quite figure out what it was.


Thanks for the read Matt. I see what you mean about David Lynch, but I must confess that that wasn't what I was going for. Still to be compared in some degree to him is a compliment.



Quoted Text
Lose the last line "Woah, did that just happen?" because it's too on the nose.


Okay thanks!


Quoted Text
There are a lot of formatting, grammar and spelling mistakes throughout.  It would take awhile to go through and list them all, but hopefully someone will take the time to do that.


Yes the formatting might be the same issue dogglebe had with my previous script. I wrote this one around the same time as Ambulance.

The spelling mistakes I am a little surprised about as I used spell check, but I will need to go back and see what was miss spelt. I'm not sure if this had anything do with it, I'm canadian and we spell some words a little differently than americans. For example we spell color, colour. Anyways thanks for the feedback.


Quoted Text
Also, a guy who listens to Janis Joplin and The Rolling Stones would not be listening to Phantom Planet.


I am not sure that would necessarily be the case, as I listen to all three, but I understand where you are coming from. I can do away with the Phantom planet.

Thanks again for the feedback.

  
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leitskev
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Eric

I am not really sure what you are looking for here in the story. My comments are usually a little more extensive, but I was too confused in this one.

The Credo Cafe scene was baffling. I think you have a conversation in mind, in your head, and maybe left a little out here? I don't know.

Lotta characters for a 4 pager. I don't mind, but I don't understand what they're doing.

I could be just missing things. Happens a lot. I actually just read a second time to make sure. Levi seems like he could be an interesting character. You have something to work with here. I would suggest focusing your thoughts and expanding it a little.
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albinopenguin
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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hey Eric,

as Dressel and leitskev already mentioned, this is a confusing read. its all over the place. im not sure why it began where it did and im not sure why it ended where it did.

i'm at war with myself over levi. you nailed down the character for sure. his actions, dialogue, etc are all typical of someone who smokes weed and listens to the rolling stones. however, i abhor such individuals because they always try to come across as deep...yet in actuality they have very little to say. their words are shallow and cliche. make sure you stay away from doing the same with your screenplay. then again, by page 4, i had no idea what you were trying to say. and this is a huge problem.

so what am i suggesting? to hone in your message. what are you trying to tell me? and does that message come across both effectively and clearly?

lemme know if and when you revise this one. i'd love to take another look.

also you used the wrong "you're" in page 3 (it's a personal pet peeve of mine so please dont take offense haha)


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Inquiringmind
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Albinopenguin, and Leitskev your comments were similar so I thought I would address them at the same time.

First and foremost I appreciate the honest feedback. I wrote the script as a mocumentary, maybe that's what you picked up on that the script lacked clear direction.

I don't want to defend the work so I apologize if it gave mix messages. I will have to take another look at it.

My intention for the script was to offer a glimps into the life of a friend of mind who is a struggling photographer. I also wanted to keep the story under five pages so I could shoot it on a super low budget.

That does limit what I can do with the script.

albinopenguin I feel somewhat tickled that you had strong opinions about the character, because at least he didn't bore you. For that reason I don't know if I should change anything about him. Everybody's opinions are valid and if that's the way he  made you feel. I think it's a good thing. Another part of me thinks if I expanded the script I could work out those cliche's.

Anyways thanks for the feedback guys. I owe each of you a read!
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Inquiringmind
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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I suppose I should add, that Levi was lamenting over the idea of staying the course as a photographer or changing himself so he could get the girl.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 5th, 2011, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Hello Eric,

I've seen you around lately, thought I'd give this a look see.
There's a kernel of an interesting character here.
However, it's buried beneath a heap of format issues.
At times your visuals have a Wim Wenders kind of cadence.
I didn't care for the cafe scene, but Levi holds promise.

Check out some scripts here and learn the craft, you have a keen eye.
Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


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