Piss piss piss piss pisser all the way, lol

Some notes.

This one didn’t work.  Too many stereotypes, too much explanation, too much stupidity.  I can’t believe Mel could ever get this done.  And once the police come, Mel’s prints are the ones on the darts.  He’s toast.

Not to mention that he must be the best lawn dart thrower in the known universe.  So, this one should go back the drawing board and be rethought.  A variety of killing methods and more cleverness.

Best
Richard

Quite the story. I did LMAO more than a few times;

“STEIN, 40s, whose ugly mug looks like a feral pig after it ran face first into an anvil”

… is so f*cked up cause I don’t even know how begin to envision that.

I guess Mel’s patience had finally run the mill with these toads (the panting, crap in the lunch pail, etc), so much to the extent that he devised a simple plan that is quite ingenious IMO. Invite them over for free beer and let the good times roll.

This looks less like a script and more like a ‘True to Tale’ piece of documentary that goes into graphic detail as to why these things were banned in the first place, lol. Funny stuff man…

Code FOUR GUYS play cornhole in a spacious back yard.

Sounds ominous. Never heard of cornholing, but it doesn't sound like it would be my kinda thing. Four guys, cornholing. It's funny, but probably not in the way you intended. I should probably Google it, but I bet my version is funnier, so I won't.

Code there are no neighbors within miles, it seems.

Probably for the best.

Code MEL Get it as close as you can to the ring.

I knew this wouldn't end well.

I don't think I can do any more. Not one for me.

I take it that Mel was the one who organized the afternoon of cornholing. The other guys went because of free beer, despite hating Mel. I assume they're at Mel's house; the slug line (and first action lines) only say Back Yard.

I realize this is purposely broad comedy, which means I ought to forgive some things. The question is whether it's funny enough to outweigh the things to be forgiven. Not quite.

Lawn Dart Massacre


Title: Good. Has a comedic vibe to it. Contains strong irony, and hopefully is relevannt to the script.
Most pre pro scripts often have extraneous words in them, to my way of thinking, the word "The" is usually one of them. In this case I think The Lawn Dart Massacre would perhaps be better...it makes it seem more of a unique, historical, epic event, somehow. Like, "The Alamo" type thing.

Premise:

Script:

Extraneous words like "its seems" are....extraneous. The boring bone started to mewl a little bit in its velvet cot. Let's hope it doesn't wake up.

You can't have woods and open fields surrounding a property. You can have open fields leading to woods in the distance, or some such thing, but both is an oxymoron.

"chugged and crumpled cans". Again...just crumpled will do. We get it.

Your lunkhead can't guffaw and chug a beer at the same time. One or the other has to coem first. Unless he's a very special lunkhead. I like the term lunkhead, though.

This is clearly a bit of a "thing" with your writing at present. A simple fix, but bear it in mind.


The repetitious micro description of all the different ways they are treating their beer cans has woken up the boring bone. He doesn't look happy. Thankfully, he just rolled over, pulled his velvet sheets round him and went back to sleep.

I got a couple of smiles out of the script. The analogy of the lawn darts to guns worked well, in particular.

All in all, it all felt too easy. Just a random progression from the start to the end, with nothing really to learn or to care about. There was a distinct lack of irony, which I think this story needs. Why lawn darts? Maybe it would work better if we saw Mel being bullied at a similar party, where their tough games are too much for him but he invites them round to play the toughest game of all.

I don't know.

At the moment it's just a progression of kills and it's neither exciting nor overly funny.


Honestly...In my ten years on this site, I've only seen one or two comedies that were any good  (Robert Skotte's H.A.N.D.S and Phil Carke Jr's Ornage Menace) and a trillion that weren't.

It seems to me that the comedy writers on here seem to pick topics that just aren't funny, topics that contain little natural humour. Usually they pick serious topics and try to tell them in an absurd way, and all that happens is you get a kind of lifeless hulk. A story that's lost the tension of the serious topic, and has put itself in a position where it can't overcome the inertia of the serious topic to make it funny.

I think that's the case here: There's nothing intrinsicly funny about the mass murder of three people due to the fact the murderer has been bullied at work. (Although comedy is such a fickle beast that typing that is funny) When you're starting from essentially a zero position, what happens after that has to be increasingly brilliant.

It makes a rod for your own back.

It's also the case that most comedies I read on here feature absurd character reactions to events. Professional comedies generally have realistic reactions to humerous events.


Instead of Comedic topic with real reactions.
We have Serious topic with spoof reactions.

I just think people seem to have it all backwards on here...but I'm far from a comedy expert.

Just my thoughts, take them or leave them.

I think I see someone who could write comedy here, and there's some decent humour, but as a whole it just didn't work for me.

As I say: comedies never do.  I'm probably just a humbug, and I should avoid reading any scripts that say "Comedy".

Lawn Dart Massacre

Well, lawn darts seems to be dangerous sports.

Some really ugly guys penetrated by the nerd. It's a good premise which just hasn't developed on the page so well for me. They talk about the funny stuff –- perhaps show them shitting into Mel's lunchbox. Since you're in the exaggeration comedy section it shouldn't be a problem.

D+

Another game I have not heard of I need to play more games I guess.

A lot of characters thrown into the mix on the first page and to be honest, the descriptions of them got a bit annoying. And it does not make them stand out or apart from each other so it's a chore for the reader.

A dart would have to be going pretty damn fast to go through the skull, wouldn't it?

I thought Mel's dialogue was really good I'm not sure there was enough conflict though before the dart game thing began ...needed quick build up to that IMO.

I like revenge stories....not sure there was enough stakes for revenge here but no doubt you could beef this up and have a pretty good story here.

Good job!

- “Excessive alcohol consumption” is pretty longwinded for a logline. I’d go with something punchier. Say, binge drinking?

- Heh! “Cornhole.” I had to look this up. I guess this is a thing. I’d say switch to horseshoes just for the sake that it’s more prevelant/recognizable/can’t be confused for something else, but that’d be a personal preference. Honestly, it’s fine.

- It appears a few people have commented on the inclusion of Bud Light. Honestly, I think it fits just fine. Shitty, cheap-as-fuck, neanderthal beer.

- Why would a “scrawny bespectacled nerd” be hanging out with *these* guys? Why would they let him?

- I’m seeing a lot of orphans. I’m a stickler about orphans given just how easy they are to fix. Clean em up! (Sorry if you’re a regular and have heard this bullshit from me already... but clean em up).

Pg. 2 - “Fruit” - I’d expect something harsher/dumber from these guys.

- I see you’ve answered my earlier query about Mel... still don’t buy it. Free Bud Light? These guys are in their 30s. Not exactly an offer they can’t refuse.

Pg. 4 - “Or at least I’ll pretend to.” - Waaay on the nose. I mean, have your wink-wink moment if you like, but surely you can do better than this.

- “...seal-like sounds.” Huh? Even if you’re talking about a seal being clubbed to death, which I have to admit could just be an overly morbid stretch of my own, this is a poor description. I’m at a loss as to what exactly is this supposed to sound like.

Pg. 6 - “The way they’d pull my pants down in front of the secretaries.”

- “Yeah, that was all three of us! Didn’t think it’d fit. But it did.” - There’s definitely an image here. Super fucked. Kudos!

--

This is some silly shit. Not necessarily a bad thing. I find it almost endearing how transparently stupid it is. And the writing's not all that bad either.

Still, there's not much to it, is there? Even when people are injured/killed, it seems sort of nonchalant. The characters certainly don't care. Not as much as they should anyway. I'd say the ending was anticlimactic, but there doesn't seem to be that much enthusiasm in anything that precedes it, so I'm not sure that's really accurate.

Also, how much does drinking play into all this anyway? There's really nothing to suggest that Mel drank anymore than these guys did, although his "dainty sip of beer" suggests he might've been drinking less. What gives?

Anyway, I don't think it's worth much reading into this one, but strangely, I was entertained, if for no other reason than just how completely inane it was. Definitely a potential pisser, though. Either way... fun.

God help me, I actually rather like this...!  It kind of veers towards a pisser, but not really. After all, it's comedy and satire, which works pretty well.  Kudos.  Here are a few *very quick* notes - not much, because I think it is pretty much fixed as-is...  

p. 1 STEIN, 40s, whose ugly mug looks like a feral pig after it ran face first into an anvil.  Wow – I love the goofiness of this line.  It’s treading close to a pisser, but having fun.

P 3: Lite Brite? Giggle. Plus, a great following riff on extreme 2nd Amendment guys…  

p. 6: THEY/THE way they’d pull…

p. 6: to BE Orion…

This ain't a pisser because the genre is open in this challenge.

Some funny, sick stuff here. Pretty sure the writer decided to maybe enter late in the piece and threw together a new take on it lol. Had some good lines but, like Dustin, the meaning of 'cornhole' here is vague.

Sean - if you get a chance. PM me?  Loved Lawn Dart! ))

Cheers,

--Janet (W)