Sandra,
First of all, you wrote the hell out of this.  Seriously.  It was a little like reading Ray Bradbury meets Faulkner.   I really like the styling.

Now, I'll point out that the first page was really full of exposition and I'll bet that page could easily have been three minutes or more in actual screen time.   While l loved the writing and how visual it was, methinks it may have been just a tad much for an opening read.

The story itself was full of nuances and descriptive narrative, and the dialogue was smart and on key.  I'm wondering what this corporation is all about and what Otto's role is.  There is an air of mystery about it all and you weave it all together well.

Again, my only quibble with all of this is that you are such a strong writer, I feel like you want to show us how good you are--and I promise I don't mean that in a negative way.   I hope you'll be a little more compact as the story going forward, because even with less words you'll still be a strong writer.

Good job so far -- looking forward to more!

Cheers,
Gary

Sandra,

Love your writing style, very descriptive, full of detail. And I have to say that normally I'm not into these kind of stories but I'm hooked. Now the bad part, I have to wait another 6 weeks before I can read on. lol.

I love Rupert as the protag and I can't wait to see what happens when Xsess comes looking for him, Dee and Lolly.

Great job and best of luck finishing the script.

Dirk