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Naughty Claus by Renee Joynson (bflywings) - Comedy - When a stuck up business woman buys a stolen phone she is thrust into the life of an angel where controlling her new life will be harder than it seems in her pursuit to earn a set of angel wings. 93 pages - pdf, format
Sorry, I just realised that, besides some of the grammatical and spelling issues, that on page 34 I have Michelle as wearing an Elf suit in the bathroom - it's not ment to be Elf, it's meant to be Mrs. Claus and this point is critical to joining up with another thing that happens latter down the track. Damn it.
Hey, Renee. No reads here so I thought I'd jump on it.
I won't take extensive page by page notes about typos and the such since you mentioned that you didn't have enough time to look over it.
Page 1: Strange way to describe Becca, it's a little hard to read because of the many commas so I'd suggest trying to shorten that line into more sentences.
Page 8: Why is someone like Amy hanging out with Michelle? They seem to be complete opposites. Maybe we find out later but it's still something to keep in mind.
Page 20: Didn't the junkie already touch the phone? Strange that he wouldn't bother to press the phone's button before selling it.
As a side note: Plenty of typos and the writing could use some work -- but I suppose there's nothing to stop me reading here besides that. The problem is that so far, there's also nothing really to help me keep reading. I like the mystery you've set up but it feels a little cliched. Will see how it goes.
Page 23: For a second there, I thought the noodles would hit that bystander from before.
Page 31: Never knew strip club managers were nice enough to give money for cab rides home. Personally, I'd have him kick her out and make her walk home. It'd help us feel a little better for Michelle since she's been somewhat of a bitch for the first 20 pages, sorry to say -- but I assume that's what you were going for.
Page 31: "On the first floor there is a reading area to one back corner and a photo area with a Santa sleigh that sits amongst two large Christmas trees in the other corner." Very hard to read and comprehend. Consider changing it.
Page 37: Side note again. Script is getting unusually slow at this point, you mentioned something about not completing enough 'quests' or something earlier in the script -- but I don't think that's been mentioned again. Maybe I wasn't focusing as much as I should but I'd most definitely expand upon that point before this scene takes place so we feel as if we have some stakes going on. It'd help give this scene more meaning IMO.
Page 39: Sorry Renee but that description of Georgie was pretty poor and didn't make a lot of sense. I assume it was just a placemarker though.
Page 43: I assume, like you mentioned, that Michelle is still Mrs. Claus and not the elf at this point?
Page 46: Bottom of this page, I'd suggest a little change of personality from Michelle, a small lead up to the 'all is lost moment' where she vents some of her frustrations to Nathan. I think it would help liven up her character a little so she'd show that she's at least human. A little sign for later on.
Page 48: Seen this a few times before, just thought I should mention that you forget the a in 'aisle'.
Page 55: Santa suit or snowman suit?
Page 73: Not sure how we're seeing her wings growing? I think this needs some extra details, maybe I missed something.
Page 76: Wait, so her wings have always been there? I think on screen, this would be more distracting than anything else. I suppose it could work but I wouldn't suggest it.
Page 76: The shopping centre beat is very sudden and doesn't make a lot of sense the way it is. Consider building up to it instead of a worried Georgie just saying it out.
And finished.
Renee, not bad for a first 7WC draft, even with all the glaring typos and errors but there are still a few problems with me.
The major one being the shift to the third act and the second half of the second act. I'm not one to go into the act structure but with a story like yours, I think it really does need a good clean up. I think the problem which affects the script the most is how weak the 'all is lost' moment is. Basically, there isn't one, there's one small bit of hesitation from Michelle when Georgie mentions the shopping mall that's set to replace their building, and instead of actually being sad over it, she goes to see her work buddy who she yelled at before.
Honestly, I'd consider making it stronger. What I suggest is have Becca come back and have her ask Michelle whether she'd like to go back to her old life or stay in her new one. This is of course right after when Georgie mentions the building's replacement, and also after Nathan agrees to help. After a brief moment of hesitation, Michelle chooses to take her old life back -- and IMO, this would work a lot better as the audience is screaming for her to say no. When she's done the deed and disappointed Georgie and Nathan, she finally sees how wrong her old life was and finally gets that last bit of hope that will help her overcome her character flaw. After that, she leaves her old life behind for good and decides to help Nathan and Georgie. But this is your story Renee and you can choose what to do with it what you like.
Overall, I thought it worked decently well, except what I mentioned above. There were some big shifts of focus between the angel/romance sub plot and I think it could've been handled better but nothing a few fixes can't do.
The writing style was one thing I'd look over. You tend to continue your sentences when really, they should be separated because the main 'subject' should usually be put first. Most of these are because you like to use the words "with", "while" and "and" which IMO, doesn't work in screenplays because we're not seeing something on screen while other things are happening, we're seeing these things separately. A random example is:
"He pins her down and sticky tapes up and down her arms whileshe tries to wrestle him to get away." As I read this, I imagine what has happened and right at the end of the sentence, you tell me that I was meant to be imagining something else all together. Unfortunately, there are countless examples of these types of sentences which I really do think need an edit. Usually it's just as easy as taking away the "with" or "while" and replacing it with a full stop/comma. There are some instances where this works but I do think they're very rare. If that didn't make sense, feel free to say so.
Anyway, I think that's all. I'm not a fan of these types of comedies so I didn't laugh/smile much but in all honestly, I think it's because it wasn't my type of humour, definitely people out there who would find this funny.
This was a really good effort for 7 weeks work. A nice quick read, and although it's not really my type of story, I did like it. There were a few problems that I had with it and little things that I picked up on, and I've tried to highlight them all below:
The biggest problem I had was that the story felt like such a missed opportunity. With Michelle being forced to do whatever tasks the phone tells her to, you have the opportunity to put her in some ridiculous situations, but as it is all she has to do is help a guy into a wheelchair and help out at a soup kitchen. You really need to maximize the comedy value of this scenario. Try to put her in funny situations where she's having to humiliate herself or do something crazy to help someone else.
Also, Michelle should have to do more tasks for the phone earlier. It isn't until page 41 that she successfully performs her first act of kindness - that's almost half way into the story. Make her life more awkward by throwing challenges at her while she's still trying to come to terms with her new life. Maybe force her to sneak out of work on her first day to help somebody and narrowly avoid getting caught by her boss.
Another issue that I had was one that I mentioned after reading your first 11. This definitely seemed like more of a heart-warming family friendly type of story to me rather than an R-rated comedy, so a couple of small adult-orientated things felt majorly out of place, especially with so much of the story focussed around kids, whether it be Michelle working in the toy store, or her befriending Georgie. The use of the work f**k, and the little bits of nudity aside, I don't think there's anything in here that would warrant a higher rating than a PG.
It didn't seem believable that either the junkie or the pawn shop dealer wouldn't have switched on the phone to check it worked and thus been landed in Michelle's situation. Maybe Becca could tell Michelle that the phone has chosen her - it only works with the right person. That will explain why the junkie and pawn shop guy weren't forced into her situation.
You need to set a clear goal for them to achieve to stop the building from being demolished. Maybe if they went to speak to someone at the town hall and were told they needed to get a certain amount of signatures on a petition, or raise a certain amount of money etc, but as it is they find out about the situation and just decide to do the car wash and petition without knowing what they have to achieve.
I also didn't buy this Mr Bennet guy turning up out of the blue and saving the day. It all felt way too convenient and 'deus ex machina'. It would work a lot better if in one of her previous acts of kindness, Michelle had in some way saved or helped Mr Bennet. Then when he's driving past and is told they're trying to save the building, he can then offer his financial help. It would be more believable than him simply wanting to please his grand daughter because she liked their page on facebook.
Here's the notes I made as I was reading. I tried to pick up as many typos and spelling errors as I could, but I may have missed some:
Page 3 You give Toni's age as 25's instead of just 25
Page 4 'The dealer check for chips' should be 'checks'.
Page 9 I don't really understand why Amy would go to the expense of buying her friend a phone just because hers is being repaired. At least I believe Michelle's is being repaired - it isn't fully explained. I think I preferred it before when you had Michelle not wanting a smart phone because it would be another complication in her life.
Page 11 The line "It won't shut up and worst it's indestructible" doesn't seem right. Maybe "…and worse that that, it's indestructible" would be better.
Page 12 I didn't buy that Michelle would assume that the phone belongs to Becca just because it led her to the hospital. It would be more believable if Becca woke up when the phone stopped beeping and said something to her along the lines of "Oh, so you inherited the phone".
Page 15 'A row of small cubicles sit in front of set of large offices.' - should be 'a set'
Page 17 The old lady appears out of nowhere with the police and accuses Michelle of breaking and entering, which didn't completely make sense. Where did she come from and when did she see Michelle? It might work better if the police come out of the elevator and approach Michelle, saying they've had reports of an attempted break in. Then have the old lady pop her head around her apartment door down the hall and say something like "That's her officer. She's been trying to break in for the last ten minutes".
Page 18 I was a confused by the tall man popping up outside the police station, putting his hand on her shoulder and simply saying "I understand". If he said something sleazy like "Need a place to stay tonight?" before Michelle pushes him away would work better in my opinion.
The last slug has New York as one word instead of two.
Page 19 Amy's dialogue should be (V.O.)
The last slug has New York as one word instead of two.
Page 20 'Becca finishes a meat and salad sandwich.' - do we really need to know exactly what's in the sandwich? Just 'Becca finishes a sandwich.' would be enough.
Page 22 'People these days serious underestimate hospital food.' - should be 'seriously'.
Page 23 When Michelle leaves the hospital and sits on the bench, you should probably have her scream in frustration or something of a similar nature. Otherwise she's just sat on a bench waving her arms around and stomping her feet without making a sound, which would be pretty odd.
Page 24 'Warn out' should be "Worn out'.
Page 25 As this is set in New York, you might want to change the food from dim sim. At first, I thought you mean't dim sum until I googled it. I see that it's a popular chinese dish in Australia, but I've never seen it on sale anywhere in the UK or US.
Page 26 'Michelle sits and a computer' should be '…at a computer'.
Page 27 'Michelle greases off an assortment of Christmas decorations in the window as she passes.' - I didn't understand the term 'greases off'. I'm guessing it means some kind of glare or dirty look?
"Nobody seems to have anything about you on there records." should be "their records".
"Thanks for time" is missing "your"
Page 39 You refer to the smart phone as 'the iphone' on this page, but not anywhere else in the script. I'd change it to just 'smart phone' again, or mention earlier in the story that it's an iphone.
Page 40 In your slug you've misspelled 'New York' as 'Ney York'.
Page 47 "...they’ll give you coal for Christmas, if you not careful." should be "if you're not".
Page 48 'running a muck' should be 'running amok'.
'The teenager' should be 'teenagers'.
Page 57 'carries a bucket of vegetable craps' should be 'vegetable scraps'. I did laugh at that one.
Page 58 'They look at each and smile.' should be 'each other'.
Page 61 'Nathan and Michelle sit across from each other in a cubicle.' - I think you mean a booth.
Page 62 'Out of breathe' should be 'breath'.
Page 65 I didn't believe that Michelle would have taken the sexy Santa outfit out of her bag and put it into the laundry basket with the rest of her clothes & regular uniform. Maybe a more believable way of getting her to mix them up would be Mark asking her to wear it for him when they're drunk in the bedroom. Michelle could take it off of him, say something like "How about I wear nothing", and toss it to the floor. Show it landing next to her regular Santa outfit, and then in her hungover haste the next morning she could accidentally grab the wrong one.
Page 71 'numerous breads of dogs' should be 'breeds'.
Page 78 Nathan's dialogue cuts off mid-sentence at the bottom.
Page 79 "I'm can be a bad influence" should be "I can".
Page 82 "maybe get them to sign a position" should be "petition".
Page 89 The flashback to their drunken night felt completely out of place at this point in the story. In all honesty, I'd remove it completely if I were you. It doesn't really add anything to the story.
Page 91 'As the business woman come nears' should be 'comes near'.
As I said, I did like this overall. And even though I had a few issues with the story, I think you've got a great base here to work from and could turn this into something really good. You just need to maximize the comedy potential of the scenario a lot more.
Nawazm and Steve, thank you guys so much for reading this and leaving such great comments - they are so valuable. Giving me an eye to see form the distance.
Sorry about the typos etc, at times I was up at 2am meshing scenes together, one straight after the other, when I shouldn't have been - very sloppy on my part and misspelling words that I actually do know, doh! Suggestions from the both of you have been very helpful.
You both said the same thing about the Junkie turning on the phone and, after Nawazm had pointed it out, I actually had the same idea as you, Steve - The phone should choose Michelle, great minds think alike (how cliche of me ). You both also said about more of the phone in earlier pages - gonna work on that. And about the shopping mall at the end - toying with ideas atm.
Nawazm: pg 43 - yes, Mrs. Claus. My original idea was to have her as an Elf and that's where I've stuffed up. Pg 55 - Santa suit. I just wanted to copy the idea of the scary snowman, not actually him. Didn't know what my rights would be there. Pg 73 & 76 - I guess I hadn't really though that one through properly and the way I had pictured her wings to show was that they would show when they grew and then disappeared from view, but then would that be kind of complicating the situation at the start with Becca? I don't know. When it comes to Becca giving Michelle an option on whether she would like to go back to her old life, it's a great idea and I can definitely see an angle in it, but I don't know whether I am going to be able to work something like that in atm - I'm thinking on it. I agree with the 'with' 'while' and 'and'. Many parts could be made into seperate sentences instead. Thanks for getting through this even though it wasn't your type of thing
Steve:
I love being able to easily go through and pinpoint where the typos are. Thank you for your indepth list. It will help. I get where you're coming from with the tasks on the phone. I originally started this from joining two ideas I'd had for writing two different screenplays, but hadn't gotten to yet. So my mind played with comedy in those ideas and the phone just kind of got swept to the 'dull area'. After bringing it to my attention, I'm definitley going to have to do something about that . This is my first comedy though and I never thought I'd ever do comedy, so I've kind of used up a lot of what I have in it. Any ideas? I was under the impression that a lot of films got pushed to an M Rating for the slightest bit of anything these days (didn't used to be back when), but if what you are saying is correct, think I might have to reconsider the 'f' word to expand to a wider audience. Pg65 - Great idea, I'm definitely gonna have to use this.
Again, thank you so much, your suggestions have helped immensly with the rewrite already, much appreciated.
Oh - and Nawazm - so sorry, I haven't gotten round to yours yet, but I will really soon - promise.
Renee, I started reading this and making notes directly on the script in Adobe and then stopped at about page 20 because I kept making the same note consistently, so I need to ask you about it before I go any further--who is your target audience for this? Here is what I mean by that: You are based in Australia, but your story is set in New York City. However, the first 20 pages are filled with either dialogue or descriptions that are uniquely Aussie. This wouldn't normally bother me, but it isn't going to ring true having New Yorkers use phrases like "stuff up" or "dodgy" or have them riding in a tram (almost all transportation in NYC is cab, subway or bus). So I didn't want to keep pointing those things out if you would be leaving them as is anyway.
The writing itself is fine--I have comments about the story and some suggestions here and there, but I just need to get past the issue above first.
Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
If you can point things like that out to me, it's a huge help. I do want it to be based in New York and tried to get what I thought was the right way with the wording on a few things, others I kind of assumed that they were the same, but if not, I'll definitley be changing them.
Just to add, there's a drunken scene at the end that Steve mentioned dropping, but I forgot to say in the first place was meant to be more of a 'as credits roll' type of thing, but didn't know how to write it like that. If it doesnt work, then I'll put it in where it's meant to go or I'll just cut it.
I haven't read any previous feedbacks so excuse if I repeat.
Page 1 ... I live in New York, there are no trams I'm aware off, subways yes, trams no
page 8
INT. RESTRAUNT - DAY ... RESTAURANT
page 10
I think I mentioned it in your first 10... but this has a comedy label to it and there's nothing to say this a comedy, i'm sorry if you mean't it to be. Becca walking out through the flames with a child in her arms and receives her wing tips... reads drama... if she comes out coughing, drops the child, then accidentally trips over her, stands on her hand while trying to get back up... and saying "oops sorry"... I know you have some sort of a comedy.
page 11
MICHELLE (into phone)
unnecessary wryly , you already mentioned it in the action
I had to google "doona"
page 16
It's a Wonderful life.. springs to mind
page 19
EXT. DOWNTOWN NEWYORK - DAY .... NEW YORK
page 21
I realise Becca is trying to get through to Michelle, but she has practically repeated the same words about 4 times... maybe change the conversation a little.
page 22
MICHELLE I already had a job. A Great job .... Great doesn't need to be capitalized
BECCA People these days serious underestimate hospital food.... seriously
page 34
NATHAN You’re outfit’s on your hook down the end. .. Your
page 39
A GEORGIE, 10, a happy girl.... drop the "A"
she likes to help people, in shabby clothing, ... this reads like she only helps people wearing shabby clothes
page 40
EXT. DOWNTOWN NEY YORK - DAY ... NEW YORK
page 51
They head towards the street corner, where a window washer stands at the top of his ladder and cleans a set of shop windows. ... WINDOW WASHER should be capitals
page 52
The last guy to that said trust me ended up not only cheating on me but ripping me off.... to say that
page 53
NATHAN Just sit across the street and do as I told you, alright? ... do as I TELL you
page 54
SERIES OF SHOTS: Michelle and Nathan enjoy themselves as they take turns at scaring people on the street.... not exactly a Series of Shots.. although I think you're overdoing that.
page 63
NATHAN Are you sure. .. missing a ?
page 64
MICHELLE The last thing I remember was eating those nacho’s and then we were leaving. ... nachos
page 74
AND old lady reaches for a packet of toilet rolls on a top shelf. ... should AN
MICHELLE A What?... A what?
page 75
Michelle hands a microwave dish full of soup to Georgie’s mom. ... GEORGIE'S MOM... also maybe give her a name and age.
page 78
Glad to see Nathan back in the script...
page 78-79 try to finish Nathan's dialogue on the same page, it's a much cleaner look.
page 79
there's the series of shots again
page 81
EXT. DOWNTOWN NEW YORK - DAY... this slug is off by double spacing
NATHAN I had an idea. If you’re interested?...HAVE an idea
page 82
I was thinking we could "DO" something like a car wash fundraiser along your street. ... Also a car wash??? really, not very creative
page 89
you completely lost me with the Flashback
Ok i'm finished Renee...
Why did Amy play such a big part in the first 11 and then disappear for the rest of the script?
You had so many characters in this script, although a lot of them had little to say to do, so it didn't take away from the script. I liked how Michelle's emotion grew throughout to the pleasant tone at the end, you executed that very well. I think though she didn't achieve her first angel wings until about half way through the script.
I thought the car wash idea and the businessman grandfather doing it for his grandson was very weak, as far a creative goes, but that's what a first draft is for... rewrites
good job on finishing and with some tightening up you'll have a really good script...
Hey Renee! Just sent you an email with all my notes on the script!
Let me know if you have any questions!
Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Gary, got the email and looked it over, thank you so much for the corrections, I needed them a lot, didn't realize how many things were different. Doona - yes, blanket. That is the main question that I can remember atm. I'm planning on changing all the Aussie things shortly and will have the email at my side while doing so, so if I come across anything else that I've left unanswered, I'll let you know.
Jeremiah, whenever you get around to it. Thank you for a read in the first place - always appreciated.
Mark, I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the corrections, they help a lot. I'm very much Aussie and I seem to be confusing everyone with my slang. (Didn't realize that a lot of words were slang - whoops). I had trouble trying to come up with comedy in the first ten. Truely, I never thought I'd write a comedy. I like your idea though and will look into doing something like that. 'She likes to help people in shabby clothing' - lol, I didn't realize that's the way it read. Pg 53 - I meant it to be 'told', as if they'd already talked about it, because she goes across the street and tells him where people are and what they are doing. Pg 78-79 - lol, I didn't realize this until after I'd sent it and was skimming over it. Yeah - she needs to do tasks with the phone earlier. I agree with the ending, I rushed it to get it done, will be better in the rewrite (I hope )
Hey Renee, I accepted your challenge then never posted anything. Sorry.
I just read through the first 10 again, as I wanted to make sure what I said made some semblance of sense.
Conceiving and writing a script from scratch in 7 weeks is tough. It really is and I know that firsthand. Congrats are do no matter what it is you punched out. Some people like to call these first drafts, but I don't believe in first drafts. I'll turn my head and not comment on typos and the like but I will address the actual writing in places, as well as the story, action, dialogue, etc.
First off, I have to bring up the title. I've disliked it since the second I first saw it. For me, it has a very odd ring and connotation. It reminds me so much of "Bad Santa", that it almost sounds like a knockoff of it. If I were you, I'd seriously consider a new title, if you decide to move forward with this.
OK, let's get into it...
For me, it's extremely odd to start off with an INT scene in a tram, when we supposedly have NYC as a back drop. Is there a tram in downtown NYC? Not as far as I know. I know there are trams into the city, but I can't picture this and the Slugs aren't helping me.
I think you want or need a SUPER so everyone knows we're in NYC. Know what I mean? For some reason, SUPERS get a bad name from peeps, but they can be your friend, if you use them sparingly and wisely.
Becca's intro is extremely awkward to the point where I may actually throw in the towel if I were simply searching through scripts to read. Check this out -
"BECCA, 26, a valiant, unwavering, human angel, she can seem a little rough around the edges, stands at the door and taps her foot on the step."
First, it's 3 lines long, which isn't a good thing. She's a human angel? Like for reals? How do we know or see that? Check out that middle part - "she can seem a little rough around the edges" - WTF? This causes the entire sentence to be incorrect. It also has no pace in a screenplay, at least the way it's being used here.
The whole thing just doesn't work as written and really turns me off. Let's move on.
Actually, if you look your writing over, line by line, you'll see so many inconsistencies, things that don't make sense, or a combination that really detracts from the visuals you should be providing.
"The tram stops." - and then Becca "runs" out and sprints down the street. Really? I don't think so. That's not how they work - if there is one in downtown NYC. This just isn't ringing remotely true or real for me.
OK< so now we see "wings" grow from her shoulder blades? Is she nude? Topless? You may think I'm being mean or extremely picky, but this is another case of a visual that's not written correctly.
So then Becca, the angel (hmmm, have I seen this story before somewhere?) rescues a child from a burning building and loses her special phone. A junkie finds it, pawns it and a rather cliche sounding 32 year old conceited business woman, Michelle, somehow ends up with it, because her friend, Amy buys it for her. Really?
To me, it doesn't help that this all takes 10 pages to unfold. Much worse though, is that it doesn't make any sense as a premise (for me, at least). I'm not even going to go into why a 32 year old business woman in NYC wouldn't use a phone from a pawn shop, but it's a poor premise.
You label this a comedy, but I don't think I've seen any comedy so far. Is it really supposed to be a comedy?
Most scripts and movies aren't good. I have no problem saying that at all. If you read enough scripts and watch enough movies, you'll have to agree. What amazes me though, is that most scripts and movies miss based on their premise alone, which I just can't understand.
You have to jump out of the gate and land on the right foot. IMO, you haven't done that here at all. There are numerous writing flaws that will turn readers off. There are numerous story flaws that will turn readers off. But maybe worst of all, there are very few things that are even remotely funny in the opening 10 pages, and the label comedy just seems very far off target.
I realize this may seem harsh, but it's not intended to be. If you disagree with my comments, that's totally cool. If you see what I'm saying, and agree, then my words can help...and I hope they do.
Take care, Renee and congrats again and completing a feature length script in 7 weeks.
Thanks for reading the first ten and I wouldn't say any of your comments are harsh at all. Thick skin here, but really they're not that bad.
It's funny you mention 'Bad Santa', cause the original idea I had with Michelle was that type of thing - a knock off, but female version, then the whole phone thing came up and I spun the whole angel thing in with it for the challenge. I kind of like the name now as she is quite a little naughty Mrs. Claus later on.
Descriptions are a funny thing. I know you are on the side of the 'only filmables should be in it' so I'm not going to argue there.
That's all I have to really rebut about your comments, everything else seems pretty spot on. I didn't have time to research the 'New York' setting, when I probably should have - changes need to be made in a few parts.
Becca's wings - as much as you might like her to be nude or toploss - I was picturing more of a CG effects type of thing with them out the back of her top.
A few people have mentioned the comedy thing now. In all honesty, I forgot to put down a genre this time round and was going to change it to dramedy, but didn't say anything because after it was up I thought it might still work - obviously doesn't. And with the pacing of the script, my first 11 pages were a lot faster, but majority of peeps here told me to slow it down, so that's what I've done. Maybe too slow?
Hey Renee, I read my post back and I felt like I was a little negative, so my apologies. My Cinco de Mayo fell apart for some reason. Glad you're cool with what I said.
Just 1 thing - sure, all us dudes would love for Becca to be nude, but hopefully, you know I was kidding, because you said "shoulder blades", as opposed to whatever she had on.
Definitely picky, but these types of things always stand out and I just want to throw it out so you know, if you care about that sort of thing.
BTW, don't think that I'm saying your writing is bad, because it definitely is not. I'd say it's actually pretty good. And for 7 weeks...I shouldn't be saying even what I am.
I’ll avoid bringing up any cultural transposition issues. It looks like you’ve already got extensive notes on them. For me the funny parts didn’t really kick in until about half-way through, where it seemed like you started to get your feet under you. I second Steve’s advice about using the phone tasks to get Michelle into awkward situations. Also play off the contrast between what Michelle is (cynical, going through the motions) and what the recipients of her kindness expect her to be (caring, patient).
Note: The way Michelle acquires the phone in the beginning is a little convoluted. It might be simpler to have Michelle pick the phone up from the gutter. Or Michelle and Becca can bump into each other and get their phones mixed up. If you go through with the idea that the phone will ‘choose’ Michelle, then it can simply follow her home from that initial contact point.
Pg. 3 The means she uses to shock the children wasn’t clear to me.
Pg. 10-11 This whole series is a bit confusing to me. I imagine the intention is to show that the phone keeps coming back, but you don’t have her finding it and reacting. It’s just sort of sitting on the counter top.
Pg. 17 Is there supposed to be a time jump between Michelle banging on the door and being run off by the Police?
Pg. 30ish The whole job bit seems like a detour from the original “do what the phone says” plot. What if that job were one of the things the phone told her to do?
Pg. 39 “A GEORGIE, 10, happy girl, she likes to help people, in shabby clothing, she sits on the stairs leading to the apartments.” I think this seems like a bit too much stuffed into that one sentence. Incidentally, it’d read a lot better if you took out the part that can’t be shown (“she likes to help people”).
Pg. 52 Seems strange that she’ll help the window washer, but still won’t even acknowledge Georgie.
Pg. 70 I was surprised she told Georgie about the angel wings, mostly because it’s brought up after the fact. They say it like its casual information, but I’m not sure Michelle would reveal it so casually.
Note: Might be good to introduce Georgie earlier. Her and Michelle’s relationship is pretty central to the latter half of the story, but she doesn’t do much of anything until page 67.
Pg. 76 The apartment eviction problem comes out of nowhere. It’d be useful to set it up a little in the beginning (an encroaching threat) so it doesn’t feel like a device when it comes.
It might pull together the ending to have Michelle work as a shopping mall Mrs. Claus rather than at a toy store. If you make Michelle’s workplace be the same mall that attempts to take over the apartments you can do a few things at once. You can build up to it by having it mentioned earlier while she’s at work; The fact that Michelle works for the mall can add to Georgie’s anger towards her near the end; and Michelle could use some ‘inside’ knowledge of the mall (and possibly her business skills) to find a more creative way to throw a wrench in the works.
Overall I found this to be a very enjoyable read, especially considering it’s a first draft. This story has a lot of potential. Good luck with subsequent drafts.
I promised you my thoughts. I know this is a rough draft in a 7 week contest, so I am going to try to skip most of the format/punctuation/spelling stuff. Others will give you good feedback on that. I will try to stick to the story and characters if I can. I'm not a pro (not even close), but will give you my thoughts as I go along.
First 10 pages.
Becca, human angel, tries to save someone from a burning building but fails. Loses her wings and not sure of her fate yet. What happens to her? Maybe we will find out. Drops phone. Junkie picks up phone.
Junkie sells phone to pawn shop. Phone put in case with watches.
Michelle, thinks she's something, is somewhat mean to neighbor kids. Somewhat mean because she can say balls, but can't really curse and doesn't like to.
Toni, Michelle's assistant, cowers to her every whim. Gay or not gay, he's not going to cross her.
Amy, Michelle's friend/aquaintence, drags her to a pawn shop to buy a watch for her dad and buys Becca's phone and gives it to Michelle.
Michelle accepts phone, with a little resistance. It doesn't power on, Amy still makes her keep it and she takes it home.
Phone powers on by itself. Series of shots has Michelle trying desprately to destroy said phone, to no avail.
Thoughts on first 10: The phone is just like the mask in The Mask with Jim Carrey. That is exactly how I saw it. Not sure if that is what you wanted, but that is how I saw it. Saw Toni like Ryan Reynolds character in The Proposal. Again, not sure if that is how you wanted it, but it sounds very familiar. Not bad, per se, but not unique so far. I'm sure the angel angle (that's sounds funny) will eventually play out, just not sure right now. You've set up some characters, but really not a lot going on in the first 10. You got the phone in there, and will see how it plays out. Many people (many on here) would say you need to really hook people in the first 10 or they check out. I don't really disagree, but I am one that will stay in the story if there is at least some appeal to me. A character, some bit of a story, the dialogue, the action, my mood, etc. are some reasons that I will stay in it for another 10 minutes/pages. After that, I might check out. So far, there is some interest for me so I'm in. Let's see how the next 10 to 20 go from here.
Sorry to break it up, but work has been awful past couple of weeks. I promised you my thoughts and plan to give them, but will have to post them when I can. Hope that's o.k.
Jeff (yes another one)
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
It's kinda late, so I'll just peep the first 10 for now.
I noticed some people pointing out your slang/location issues.
If you're from a different country, I guess you could just watch some movies based in New York or maybe even just google U.S./New York talk/slang or something along those lines. It'll be very helpful -- I've done it.
I haven't gotten very far to bring it up as a distracting issue... I'll try to avoid it if at all possible and just focus on the story but if it gets to be too much then maybe I'll raise some points to you.
I think the phone getting snagged up as fast as page 2 seemed a bit forceful.
Toni's description: "gay as gay can be." What does that mean? Does he wear mascara and have polished nails? What defines "gay as gay can be"?
And that's all I have for now. I'll try to read some more pages as the days go on.
Finished your script today. I very much liked the premise of someone finding an angel's cell phone. I think that's great. I wish you had included the phone a little bit more. In a way where it would force Michelle to do things she did not want to.
Like I said, I think the premise of finding an Angel's phone is great. (Hmmm. Not sure what I meant there...) However, I did have some serious issues with this script. This is of course a vomit draft so many things need to be changed. My biggest issue with this script is Michelle. I absolutely hated her. That is not very good for a protagonist. I know she comes across as nicer towards the end, but for the majority of the script I really really hated her. That's not good.
My 2nd issue with this is the comedy. If I were you, I would call this a drama. In my humble opinion, there just wasn't enough humor on comedy in this to label it a comedy.
I also think that you need to be a little bit more descriptive in your writing. Or perhaps I should say more clear in what you are trying to describe. Often, scenes are too short and doesn't show was enough emotion or intent of the scenes and character's.
Anyway, kudos to you for stamping this one out for the 7WC.
The following are my thoughts as I read page by page. They are questions while I read and should not be taken as negative or positive unless noted. They really are just questions while I read.
Good luck with this and you rewrites.
Page 1. You might want to change Becca's description. It is a nice way of describing her as a human angel, but it made me wonder if she was supposed to be an angel or if just a really nice person. This is a movie, so you never know. LOL.
I am not going to comment on every thing that screams not from here since I noticed in the comments prior that other people have already pointed that out.
Oh I see, she is some sort of Angel after all. Maybe you should mention the wings in her initial description?
Page 3. If Toni is as gay as gay can be, I think you should have him show that. Write some mannerisms specific to his character. Right now, all he has said is I am on it. Make us being able to clearly see his character.
Page 5. Hand-held phone?
Page 7. So far, Michelle is coming across as a real bitch. I hope that is your intent.
Fruit?! Surely you can come up with something better. This is a comedy after all.
Page 9. Michelle seems to be sort of well-to-do. At least enough to have a cell phone. Even if she is waiting for the latest model of some particular brand, I do not buy that she does not have a cell phone. She seems like the person that wants to be on top of things. Not having a cell phone makes her look backward and stuck in the past. At least to me.
Page 10. To add some more characterization to Michelle's character, I think it would help if you told us what kind of book she's reading. That usually says a lot about people.
Continuously.
Page 11. What is a doona?
Page 12. I did not realize that the phone was telling Michele where to go. I thought she was just using the phone to get directions to wherever she wanted to go. You might want to make that a little more clear. Maybe she could type something into the phone. Something along the lines of " okay phone! You tell me where you want to go". And then, a map pops up on the screen with directions.
How does Michelle know where to go in the hospital? I don't think GPSs give you directions inside buildings.
Page 13. Boy, Michelle sure is unfriendly. Here she is in the hospital with Becca who is obviously very ill since she is hooked up to monitoring machines and IV. And Michele says, it's none of your business. I'm just mentioning this because it really makes us hate Michelle.
Page 14. You should probably describe the bedroom 1st time we see it. On this page it looks like the bedroom became cluttered and talk to him organized during the night. If that is the case then it would probably help if you describe the bedroom when she goes to bed at neat and tidy.
Page 15. Holly crap? Was that intentional?
Page 16. I was under the impression that Michelle was on also seen the top ranks at the shopping mall. Yet here she is wearing different clothes and the security guards do not recognize her? That seems a little odd. Did her appearance change as well?
Page 17. The apartment building has a receptionist? Also, what apartment building is this? Is it the same one Michelle lived in before? Or, is this the one where she woke up in a bad neighborhood? Maybe mention that in the slug line for clarity.
Page 18. New York.
Are there still payphones?
Page 24. Michelle laughs at the young girls that got grossed out by the maggot infested food. In other, she is still very unlikable.
Major no-no. Unless you want an audience to really hate a character, you never ever have a character kick on animal.
I think you can make a little bit more out of the phone beeping. All you describe is, Michelle checks the map. Show us the map. What is it that Michelle sees? If you do not show us what the map says, how do we know she is checking a map?
What is a dim sim?
Page 25. What is legal? To save a cat?
Page 27. Michelle greases off an assortment of Christmas decorations. I don't think I understand what that means.
Quite a few typos on this page.
Page 28. A pet peeve of mine. Woman. Not women.
Michelle sees a sign with a woman with her legs in the air. I wasn't quite sure what you meant. Why not just write, a sign with a stripper? That way we understand immediately what Michelle is seeing.
Michelle ponders in. did you mean that Michelle wanders in? Ponders means thinks. I am pretty sure.
Page 30. I understand Michelle needs money, but I still don't buy her becoming a pole dancer that quickly. It totally goes against her character. I think you need a better reason for her to end up at Lenny's. Maybe have the phone telling her to or something like that.
Page 31. Michelle kicks the man in the face? At this stage in this script, I am having some serious problems with Michelle. I can not relate to her nor like her. That is a big problem since she is our protagonist.
Page 33. It's not a great flow to have Michelle at the toy store in one scene and then basically a few seconds of her in bed at home and then the next scene she is back at the toy store again. Maybe you can have something else happen between those 2 toys store scenes?
Page 34. If Michelle Mrs. clause where is she an elf?
Page 37. Michelle is just an awful person�
What is a pram?
Right now I am thinking that it would be cool if Michelle had to go on a mission to earn her wings instead of trying all these different jobs. At least that is what I think this movie is about. Michele trying to earn her wings, not just trying to survive like a regular person.
Page 39. If it is an iPhone, maybe you should have said that earlier instead of just smart phone? Not a big deal, just saying.
Again, you have this poor flow in your story. Michelle enters the bedroom slumps down on the bed, wake up next morning. Maybe you can have Michelle do something more when she gets home. Show us something that she does. Something that will show us more of her character. Her background is such. Right now, we only know the very unlikable side of her. Where is she from? Where is her family? Does she not have any friends besides that one girl?
Michelle checks every note and cranny for money. How do we as an audience know that it is money she is looking for?
What happened to the phone? I thought it was beeping? You just dropped that?
Page 41. What exactly is wrong with Becca? Why is she still in the hospital? You might want to elaborate on that a little bit.
Page 44. What is this, Groundhog Day? LOL!
Page 48. I think the word you mean is amok rather than a muck.
Page 49. Nathan's last dialogue on this page sounds pretty bad. Not only does it reads really awkward, but I honestly don't get why he's asking Michelle out. So far there has been nothing pleasant or likable about her.
Ditto that on page 50.
Page 52. Even though I think you need to look over Michelle's 1st dialogue on this page, it was still funny how Nathan keeps saying trust me.
Page 54. So Michelle is a successful business woman in her 30s. Yet, here she is enjoying scaring the shift out of people. Even old people. Like I said earlier, I'm not really into comedy, maybe some people like this and find it funny. To me it just shows Michelle being an even the worse person. We are almost 2/3 into the script and our "hero" is someone I despise. But who knows, maybe she will make a complete 180 and we will end up loving her.
Page 57. Why is the soup kitchen in a factory? Why not just call it soup kitchen.
Page 58. If Michelle the only person that can see the wings? If everyone can see them, wouldn't someone say something about them, especially Nathan?
Page 59. Uhm� Really? Nathan is buying Michelle lingerie? I have a really hard time believing that. That just doesn't seem right at all. I mean if they had been dating for a while, but not that early in their relationship. They haven't even hugged or kissed yet. Why would Nathan think it suits her? She has a nasty personality and has already told him that she basically hates men.
Page 60. And my thoughts about Michelle is reinforced on this page. If she thinks that men are only out for sex and most of them will hump anything with 4 legs, why on earth would she accept lingerie from Nathan? Her actions here are very contradictory to her personality. IMHO.
Page 62. Nathan insists that he can see good in Michelle. But, I am not so sure this works for the audience since we know that she is not good on the inside. We know that she only do these things so she can earn those wings. Therefore she is not genuinely good.
Page 66. Pretty funny about her wearing the wrong Mrs. Clause outfit.
Page 67. It is good to break up the action paragraphs, but you do it to a point where it lengthens your script by pages. Take a look at this page in particular.
Page 68. Indeed, Georgie seems a little too wise for her age. However, I enjoyed this scene with her and Michelle.
Page 69. Although it is very nice that Georgie takes care of her mother, I am not so sure that kids are allowed to stay home for that reason. If kids don't show up at school I think that is reported.
Really weird transition from Michelle and Georgie walking around with a bag of groceries to sit down on the curb and continue the conversation but the groceries are all gone. Why don't Michelle invite Georgie into her apartment and a cook something together while they talk?
Page 71. What is an OP shop?
Page 73. Bad move to have Michelle being mean to the dog. I understand the dog is not the friendliest, but you should never have your protagonist be mean to any animal or any kid. It makes an audience dislike the character.
In my opinion, it is crucial at this point of the story that we start to like Michelle, but it seems like she is sort of reverting to her old self, being mean and unpleasant.
Page 74. Again, Michele are only doing these things in order to gain her wings, not because she wants to. I thought Becca told her that she had to help people because she wanted to�
Page 75. All of the sudden, Georgie is starting to sound much older than she is. Kind of like an adult.
By the way, what happened to Becca?
Page 76. I have to be honest, I feel that Michelle is being very disingenuous. All she wants to do is get those wings to grow. She's still the same unpleasant person underneath it all. I am sure that is not how you intended it, so you might want to tweak how that comes across.
Page 79. You're missing the character name for the dialogue.
Page 83.IMO, you should never start a new scene with 2 lines of dialogue offscreen and absolutely no description OF the scene. I mean, as an audience, what are we looking at? Who is in this scene? What are they doing?
When I started reading this, I thought, "Oh crap! It's The Tooth Fairy" and nearly hung myself. After reading a little more, I realized it wasn't and put the rope away for another day.
This was a cute piece. There were elements of The Tooth Fairy, but there was also elements from It's a Wonderful Life.. And it had a lot of elements from mainstream Hollywood movies: a cold but successful woman's life is turns upside down when she must perform certain good acts (like the Twelve Labors of Heracles).
A big problem I had with the story was that Michelle was spending more time having her misadventures in the toy store than she was accomplishing her goals of helping others. By page fifty, she had helped only two people (in minor ways), but she had every single comical thing happen to her in the toy store. You need to focus on the main story here.
I thought it was funny that the druggie who stole the phone and the pawn shop owner didn't press any buttons on the phone, thus making them the next 'Clarence.'
I'm curious why you placed the story in New York City whern you live in Australia. I mention this as you didn't capture the flavor that NYC has to offer. Why not place this in Melbourne?
I have lots of good and bad to say about this, but truthfully, the good is that your script is the first I've read from this 1+6WC and the reason for that I think is that the "angel earning wings" thing appealed to me. The idea of a hard type of character being "changed" through firsthand experience is good. It will always be good. The trouble is for writers finding new and clever ways to handle the subject matter. This is a 1+6WC and you completed the challenge. You have something to work with and to me that says a great deal of positive. Now it's time to develop it into something unique...
If I am to be an honest critique person and I were asked the biggest problem I had with this script, it would be the over simplification of "things". What do I mean by things? Stuff like (I'll mention again later) Michelle eating ice-cream from a tub. Whenever I see those kinds of scenes, I feel disgusted because they are so over used.
I just figured out though, what I really am trying to say by over simplification. Here it is: I feel like the characters are being forced into performing actions for the sake of story and not the characters determining the story by their actions.
Example:
Michelle needs a job in her new life. Lenny's Club stripper sort of job is available. She takes it. Now although she is somewhat proactive in this taking place, it seems too easy and straightforward. Maybe what is needed are some twists and raising of stakes. Perhaps she first takes the Santa Toy Store job in the day, meets Georgie and even Georgie's mom (don't make her a sick with cancer victim either-- it's too glum for this I think) in "that" location (the Toy Store) where she befriends them, learning too, that they need (anything) money for a ticket overseas to see her aging Grandma. With a little more detail, you could have Michelle forcing herself to go and work Lenny's Club, raising money for Georgie and her mother and things getting complicated from there.
I think that's what's needed. More complications. More choices to be made. Less of Michelle continually going back to Becca in the hospital and talking about missed opportunities of saving kittens. More tie ins to a central theme of some sort that at this point I think needs to be determined-- beyond of course, the initial one set out in this challenge.
Alright, with that, I'm going to turn to my notes that I made while reading this:
I find the opening words clunky. My words are going to be equally clunky here as I try and explain.
Let’s begin with the first two:
Run down.
Short is good, but this was too short for me.
>Graffiti lines the walls.
The double use of “s” in lines and walls feels wrong.
Words like
diverse
and
different
don’t feel like they belong in the same sentence.
Especially, “different attires” doesn’t tell us anything at all. Different from one another? Different than they should for their culture and time period?
It sounds picky, but this kind of thing looks really weak.
Maybe try and incorporate the mood of the PASSENGERS somehow. Give us something in that graffiti. I’m going to take a weak stab at something to show you what I mean. Something like:
*Run down PASSENGERS crammed into the tight quarters, graffiti splashed everywhere—even the seats.
That give us more of a picture.
And my example below might be too much, but I'd like to see more in the opening; so it's a stab at it.
BECCA, 26, a valiant, human angel is the only exclusion from the run down manifesto that is the daily bread and butter of tram culture. Her expression bears the rough edges of a jagged rock among smooth indistinct Pebble People-- all the same.
Becca notes a Pebble Person next to her... Then have them in conversation. You could bring out theme here. Have more of a close up. Front and center sort of idea. Give us something that allows us to see things through the eyes of Becca since it is she that is going to alter the life of Michelle. Whatever it is, it might be well to make it big enough to be memorable, but small enough not to take over too much of the audience attention until it is remembered later. Like the small action of Becca noting a passenger tapping his fingers. What's he anxious about? Who is he? But it's only a moment, and we seem to forget.
Pg 12 use of word, doona threw me off. Figure it’s a blanket, why not just say blanket?
Pg 14 I’m having trouble visualizing where we are with Michelle. I understand that Michelle is displaced in Becca’s Apartment and it’s day; however, we’re in her bedroom, then a lounge room of some sort as she creeps toward the kitchen. Now she peeks her head out the front door and sees a dark and dingy hallway…
I think it’s here that we need a separate sub slugline and really do this up big time.
She enters on
UGLY MYSTIC HALLWAY
A grey dust kicks up with one large piece of sand nicking her in the eye. She winces. Her eye waters, the view blurs over. She rubs it, trying to see into the dirty haze where Gangsters, strippers and all manner of lowlifes roam.
*If you give more to chew on as the example above, it will place us more solidly into her point of view and we can experience with her, the transition.
Rather than have her go back into the apartment at this point, I’d have her fighting to get through and out of this place.
Pg 74 – tripping on grapes?
Pg 74 I never heard of a suspended coffee before. Now I know. An interesting idea.
Pg 76 Michelle looks down on Georgie.
Where I come from it means look at someone as an inferior.
Pg 78 when Michelle sits eating ice-cream from a tub. I’ve seen so much eating from a tub, it bothers me when I see it in a scene.
Top of page 78 Was this supposed to be a series of shots, but not labeled?
Pg 80 She tapes a poster to street polls as she passes them.
Kick that up a notch somehow. My stab:
A lady on a mission, she slaps posters on every street pole she sees. She even enlists a homeless person, paying him a couple of bills to cover the opposite side of the street.
Pg 83 I didn’t care for the sticky tape scene. I felt like it was a case of when the writer is reaching. Trying to get something exciting on the page, but it's flying out of nowhere. On the same page, we go from night to day with a new slugline. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s empty at the top without any clue as to where Nathan an Michelle are or what they are doing. He says, “Ready?” and she says “No. Ah!” On top of that, it's O.S.
The way the solution to the problem happens is: Mr. Bennet just shows up. I think he needs to be shown earlier. It is possible you could write him into the opening scene (on the tram or subway or bus) as "that potential) hand tapping man, who's anxious about God knows what. Chances are, everything. Maybe he's taking the public transit on a challenge from his Grandaughter. We don't know that yet. However you choose to develop this, try and build it into the beginning to tie in the relevancy later on.
Page 87 Becca shows up, but it would be better to show her watching from afar before Michelle notices her.
Page 89 I don’t understand why you put the Flashback of Nathan and Michelle’s Drunken Night Rampage after they’ve clearly entered a new level of seriousness in their relationship. It was jolting and didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I was entering porno land after being in a cutesy kids style scene with the innocent water fight. This again ties into my lame explanation of over simplification. It feels like this stuff just happens as a means to put excitement on the page. We need excitement. Bam: Sticky Tape Fight. Bam: Water Fight. Bam: Playing Hide and Seek with the Security Guard.
I don’t know what’s happening at this point with Michelle and Nathan playing strip poker with a homeless man, but it feels to me like it comes way out of left field and really weird.
Michelle steals a sleeping homeless women’s half empty bottle of wine? Really? Why? She's been painted as bad, I know with laughing at the kids below when she throws something (can't remember) down on them, but I'm finding it a bit forced.
One of the problems I think this script has is it's problem with tone. Tone is so very important and I think many of us don't know or have never learned how much so it is. I didn't complete this challenge, but I found myself straying out of the tone I had set in the first twelve of (Enter Your Problem) and it wasn't going to work without me changing something in those first twelve. If there was anything I really took with me from the short part of the challenge was tone. So...
I noticed that the tone of the piece starts out in a fairly light hearted way even though Michelle obviously has a hardened heart towards people she figures are lesser humans than herself. I think the piece's subconscious, desperately wants to go the way of family entertainment, but a sabotaging muse is at work taking it into offbeat territory with strippers and gangsters and such...
To have them shoved up against Santa and his Toy Store doesn't work. I would suggest working the tone so you can get something of the flavor of a Home Alone. Yes, you have the bad guys, but they're more comedic. If you do decide to do this, you've got lightening to do. Like the Stripper thing. Maybe instead, have her working as a mini skirted waitress (and hating it since she is the type to wear sensible shoes). I think this is enough to make some valid scenes where she is uncomfortable, but putting herself out there in order to help someone. Additionally, she might be afforded opportunity to talk with some people and learn something substantial besides just put up with silly kids at the Toy Store or even talk with Becca.
I hope this helps. I'm sorry I'm so late, but like I said, life just steams on and time can be a hard thing. I don't like doing critiques without putting work into them.
A very sincere congratulations for completing this. It truly is a big accomplishment.
********
*** It's late night, really it's morning and I was checking the thread. I've read Pia's comments and they're all good. Certain things hit the proverbial nail on the head in a succinct way. One, in particular is the unlikeable way the character of Michelle is painted. Although I mostly swept that under the rug because I didn't feel it was your intent; nevertheless, it's a definite issue. It's a clear crit point of something to fix.
Thinking more on this, I think Pia's absolutely right about Michelle not having any friends, (except Amy but she doesn't count because she disappears not to return in the script) and merely going to see Becca in the hospital. It feels as if she's in a kind of vacuum. Like, we don't really know her except she does a lot of bad stuff and is a callous individual. Maybe, the story needs a new start-- one that shows Michelle (briefly) as a child, giving us a few moments of what makes her what she is. Of course, that only might be an option if you want to keep her as exceedingly callous for the early portion of the script.
Although I wrote in my critique the vague word or words "oversimplification", the truth is that details aren't being dealt with-- details that will legitimize the script's story and characters. Questions like: Why does Becca, an otherworldly type of creature, remain in hospital? Doesn't she have access to the same kind of miracles she performs? If so, why?
In short, these are those loose ends that are going to show up in a short challenge like this, but don't let it deter you.
I think eventually we writers needs to ask ourselves: Why did I choose this subject matter? Why did I choose "whatever" approach? What am I exploring? That might give clues to the real direction we want to take with our work.
Hey everyone - really, really, REALLY sorry fot the very late reply.
Jeff (Dreamscale) - No, nothing you wrote was too negative, it's all good. For you to say that my writing is not bad is a huge compliment, so thank you (I think it gets worse and sways a little off course furthur on though). And yes, lol, I knew you kidding about Becca
Eric - Thanks for the read and comments. I agree with the beginning and the use of the phone. I plan on changing that up a bit. The way it is now was mainly because of the challenge requirements. I think a few people have been confused with the shocking the kids part - you can buy clear strips for dogs that will shock them if they go near an area you don't wont them to. On pg17 - yes. Pg70 - I was going for an 'enter the scene late' effect. I like your suggestions with the shopping mall - very helpful and would pull things together nicely.
Jeff (Jeremiah) - Glad I was able to hook you in. I somehow feel that even though my first 11 (posted originally) ran a lot faster, it seemed to have held peoples interest a bit more. Only problem was that comments were it was too fast, so I tried to slow this one down and add more detail. I look forward to your next comments, whenever they may be - no stress.
Reaper - Yep, changing the slang. Funny thing is I didn't even realize a few of the things were slang. I had originally meant to go back and work on Toni's description, but didn't get too (was hoping people would bypass it, lol), but agree - it needs work.
Pia - Agree completley about the phone - it needs to be used more and be a main focus in the story. I had meant to change this to a dramedy and forgot to put it in the genre line when I submitted. In the end I want it to be more light hearted and comedic - I'm going to work on that part intensly. I agree with the descriptions - will be working on those also. I wanted Michelle to be a real bitch and unlikeable at the start and then progress to someone more likable, but yeah, she is a little too bitchy still throughout. I'll also be changing how she gets the phone - a few people have mentioned this now and as it is, I agree, It doesnt work. Doona = Blanket (a lot of my slang needs rewording). I'm thinking of changing the whole 'phone gives her directions' thing to her getting messages with clear instructions? Pg14 - This isn't Michelle's house - she's woken up in Becca's. A lot of people are bolding their slugs now - I was beginning to think that maybe I should do the same? Pg15 - meant to be Holy. Pg16 - Her appearance didn't change, but she is now living Becca's life, which has turned everything upside down - I'm working on making a few things clearer. Pg17 - Michelle's original apartment. I am going to change how she enters the building - there was a recommendation for a buzzer system - I think that would work better. Dim sim - chinese takeout - changing that bit. Pg25 - I'm dropping that bit. Pg27 - again, slang - looks at displeasingly. Pg30 - I felt the same way about her character, but didn't have much time to change it around. The phone making her do it is a good idea though. Pg37 - Pram = stroller. Yeah, I agree about the jobs and phone - I veered off course and then stuck with that track - big problem with it and a must change. pg39 - Iphone was a mistake. I meant to put smartphone. Pg41 - Going to drop the hospital scenes earlier and have Michelle assume she is on her own. Pg57 - yep, changing that. Pg 58 - only Michelle is supposed to be able to see them. Pg59 - I'm going to have Michelle by the lingerie for herself and Nathan make a remark about her being a 'Naughty Claus'. Pg71 OP Shop = Thrift Store. Thanks for the read and comments, very much appreciated.
Phil - lol, I haven't actually seen Tooth Fairy. With her accomplishing the goals - yep - major problem and this is the main this I will be working on in the rewrite. I'm also going to change the phone part at the start so that it has chosen Michelle, anyone else can press a button and it does nothing for them. I agree that maybe this should have been placed in Melbourne as I know how to describe this better and I didn't really capture NYC, but I'd really like this to work in the US, so I'm going to put my mind to it and research, research, research and hopefully come up with some flavor.
Sandra - I agree with the icecream tub - cutting floor it goes. And Georgie's mom - cancer is the wrong move. I was actually toying with the idea of having Georgie homeless and in the end having Michelle adopt her? I also agree that the story strayed completely off course - major thing to work on in rewrite. I like your examples with the scenes - helped me a lot. Reading over what you had, I actually think that the tram (going to change to bus) moment, could be the kick off for a comedic point. Pg12 - Blanket and Doona here can mean big differences, but I will be changing it to blanket. Pg76 - Will be changing that. Pg78 - I think that scene is goint to be cut altogether. A few people have said the same about Mr. Bennet - I agree the ending needs a big clean up in that respect - out of everything it was my most rushed scene. The drunken night rampage was meant to be more of an 'after the credit roll' type of thing, but I didn't know how to write it like that. I'm thinking of moving it to the actual night and not having her remember most of it. Thank you for the read and comments. Doesn't matter how late they are - It all helps.
Long story short. Tried to switch from Windows to Linux dual boot and screwed my laptop up. Recovered some, but your notes (in a file) weren't so lucky. I remember most, but reading again and putting notes together. I'm on pg 60 and will have my finished notes and thoughts (plenty) tomorrow (AZ USA) night. Sorry about that. Saving to thumb drive now!!!!!
Thanks for your patience, and never forgot about you!!!!!!!
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Continuing on from page 10. Sorry if it seems random, but these are my thoughts as I went along. I tried to ignore the easy stuff other's will point out (spelling etc.) but I did throw someof that in there. My final thoughts in the next post. Enjoy.
Michelle is guided by the phone to Becca in the hospital.
She goes to sleep in her bed (doona?) and then wakes at Becca's? Not sure about this, but we shall see.
Not sure if I get the different people walking around in the apartment.
Pretty tough security at a mall! Maybe a bit excessive for a mall. Might think about some changes here.
Michelle tries to call Amy and others, but nobody knows her. Everything's different.
Sorry, can't help it. I will point out a few picky errors. I'll keep it short, so I can keep the flow of the story.
Pg. 19 In your slug, New York needs to be separated.
She returns to the hospital, where Becca explains all.
Pg. 23 She sets her handbag on the coffee table.
Funny bit throwing the noodles on kids out the window.
Pg.24 Worn out, …
Pg. 27 The owners all shake their heads … yes … no?
EMPLOYER needs a description.
Interview solidifies that her life has changed, because her references don't check out. Good job on this. Others may say it's not needed, I think it does.
Pg. 28 WAITRESS also needs a description.
Stripper? I guess there are some “angels” in strip clubs , but I've never been so couldn't tell ya.
Pg. 31 The scene where she is just laying there in the bed is not needed. It's too short and would be cut anyway if this were filmed. Unless it is completely necessary, cut it.
From stripper to toy store... this could be interesting.
Pg. 32 Don't tell us Mr. Roderick has a kind heart, show us.
You might have Mr. Roderick say “Miss... Clows... is that German?” Then Michelle can say something like “That's Claus, and it's a little north of there.” Ok, now I remember why I don't do comedy!
Michelle falls on the marbles. That's always funny, not original, but usually works for a giggle or two.
Pg. 36 Nina needs a description.
Pg. 37 What's a pram? How does Michelle react to the baby food splatting on her? You should tells us how she reacts to this. It helps with her character arc.
Now Nathan knows she doesn't like kids. Warns her about Mr. Roderick – he likes them. So far, not sure if people are still going to root for Michelle. We'll see as it goes on...
Pg. 39 “A GEORGIE...” plus you describe her as “she likes to help people.” Don't need that. Again, show us this is how she is in her actions.
Finally, she does something good. Probably just in time. You might have lost some by now. Maybe not. I'll keep going...
Pg. 43 There's another pram! Just kidding. I Googled it. Got it.
After the nipple pinching, you should have Michelle in the apartment with bags of frozen peas on her breasts and a rag on her forehead, as she lies on the couch.
Michelle whines.
I've had babies spew out both ends on me. Not funny at the time, but sure funny now (if it's someone else).
How did she go from an Elf to Mrs. Claus suit. Did I miss something???
After saving the window washer, she should see the stubs of her wings in the window reflection.
What's Georgie's reaction after Michelle just walks by her again? We should see that.
Pg. 52 Michelle “It can”t be gone forever...”
I know what you are trying to do with Nathan and the Santa outfit, but not sure paper mache is the right way. I have the idea though so I'll continue.
Pg. 54 If you are going for Series of Shots, might describe them better. Not really a Series of Shots the way you have it here.
Paper mache Santa busted by the cops!
Pg. 58 Again, don't tell us June is a fun-loving personality, show us.
Drunk sex with Nathan. Please read my thoughts at the end on things like this. I see this script going a different direction than it should.
Coming out in the Naughty Mrs. Claus outfit is funny. I could picture it. No, not because of that!!!
Pg. 71 OP SHOP?
Breeds of dogs...
Pg. 75 The homeless man ordered the suspended coffee. Should have him just pick it up from her table and keep on going.
Pg. 77 You pinch someone's cheek in New York City and they will stab you!!!
Pg 78-79 Nathan “Yeah, well now if someone wants to play naughts and crosses they have a perfectly marked out board on my ass. “ I have absolutely no idea what this means. If it's important, it should be clear to everyone (no matter what country) what it means.
Pg. 82 Kill Nathan's dialogue telling about the car wash. Cut right there and go to the scene where they are putting up the Car Wash Fundraiser posters. No need to tell the audience everything.
Pg. 83 What is the reason for the scene with the O.S. Dialogue? You then cut straight to another scene. Looks like there was an edit and this got left over. I just skipped on over it.
Pg. 85 INT. PORSCHE - DAY
Trim some of Mr. Bennet's dialogue. It will read better and have more impact.
Finished! My final thoughts in the next post!!
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Concept: Christmas and angel getting their wings is a good hook. Nothing new, of course, but holiday movies do get made. It seemed like, at times, you wanted this to be a little edgy. It did not end up that way. I kept picturing it like The Santa Clause movie. That's not bad. They made three sequels to that movie! Mostly it played out as a good PG-13 movie (she can't cuss, not any real violence, etc.), and I think that is how you should take it in your rewrites. I would NOT make it edgier (as in Bad Santa, etc.). I think the opposite. You should really clean it up some, put more comical elements, keep it somewhat naughty without crossing the line. That way, with the mostly limited locations (i.e. smaller budget), you might get this kind of thing made. Heck, look at Pia. She already has her's made! If you cleaned this up, tidied up the writing (does need some real work), you might get this made before Christmas!
Having a bad person become good is hard to pull off. It seemed to me like you wanted to make Michelle really bad/nasty, and you did for the most part. You tried to make her bad, but her flip to good seemed too fast and easy. Just to me. Just make sure it is evenly spaced. Maybe she struggles more to be good or flips fast but regresses – you get the picture. It doesn't have to be that way, but you could make the overall story better. Right now it is a cute little tale. It could still work the way it is. It is a feel good tale in the end, and that's how I think you should keep it.
Writing: Not bad. Some of the dialogue needs trimming and read over again. After you trim and clean some of that up, you might have some room for another scene or two to help the story along. Some of the slugs need attention. I mentioned some, but there are others. Easily done in subsequent rewrites. The flashback in the end, I think, is supposed to be Hangover-esque. I'll have to ponder it a little longer to see if it worked for sure with me.
See the Overall section for other writing elements.
Story: Again, this kind of story can work for Christmas. I know you had to have the cell phone in there for the challenge, and you do. It tied together at the end when Michelle dropped it in the other grumpy lady's purse as she went by. Sometimes the story seemed cute, and other times you would throw in sex/nude scenes. As suggested above, I think this would sell better without the raunchiness. You can “clean” up the scenes and still have them, just have suggestion instead of full frontal Also, fix the Elf/Mrs. Claus thing. I'm still bugged about that. Just kidding. You have the next Christmas hit, just make sure the story fits what you are looking for.
I like how you kept Becca in the picture. It kept the story moving along. Though I thought she lost her wings? Might clear that bit up. Maybe I just flat missed it.
Some of your scenes are too small, while some drag on too long. On rewrite, just cut out scenes that aren't necessary to move the story forward or for character development.
Characters: Michelle is mean, but can't cuss. She doesn't like kids. I think you set her character up okay. As stated above, just make sure there is a balance – have the mean to undecided to good about even. Actually, you could have the good right at the very end and just balance out the bad to undecided. It will play out better.
Becca lost her wings at the first and then had them at the end. It wasn't clear (to me anyway) enough how that happened. I'm just thinking that helping Michelle is how she got her wings. Make sure the audience “gets it” without handing it to them. I'm a smart enough guy, and I personally like this if that is true.
Nathan is a good guy. I guess not good enough that he gets Michelle drunk and they have sex! If you go the route I suggested, you should probably have them get drunk but he sleeps on the couch. Or, they're in bed but nothing happened. Just my thoughts.
Georgie (unusual name) helped move the story. I like how you handled her character. Not sure I would change much here.
Overall: You've probably been told this already, but you need to either change the location of this to Australia or get with an American writer that is familiar with New York City and get their input. I know that for the most part, this can be adapted into any city in the world – and for the most part, I agree with that. But, here are some compelling reasons to change this to Australia. 1.The description of the city isn't good enough for New York. Too much of the dialogue/dialect is Australian (doona, waitress says “Love”, pram, notes instead of dollars, shopping trolley, greases him off, etc.). I've only visited, but the people of NYC don't act the way you have them. I'm a friendly guy, and when I said “Hi” to people there – they thought I was crazy or a salesman.
I'm in no way making fun of your dialect, just saying that it doesn't fit the location. I would love to go to Australia. Then, you can make fun of my Texas accent!!!
I think this could be a good story for Christmas. It just needs some work on the story elements. Please refer to my notes on some of that. I liked it though and wish you luck with it. Don't give up on it. Work it over and let's see this by next Christmas at the latest!!!
Regards, Jeff (the other one)
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
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Naughty Claus = 1+6WC Feature
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