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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Lift in a 1 Star Hotel - OWC
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  Author    Lift in a 1 Star Hotel - OWC  (currently 2865 views)
rendevous
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Feels like a new writer, so I'll be gentle. Or I'll have a go at it. Or it could be some smartarse with too much time on their hands who should be trolling on Twitter. I'll elect for the former, so I don't have to be a twat.

Format needs a bit of work, but so do my teeth.

Hmmm. This is nuts. New writer or not, this is all over the show. And even a new writer would know that. I suspect if I was wankered then I might have got a few laughs out of it. New writers usually have some promising dialogue or some ideas that aren't quite polished enough. But this reads like Rocky Horror with some meth heads.

My first piece of advice is stop with all the exclamation marks! Oscar Wilde never used them. They make you sound like an idiot. I'll prove it. I sound like a fecking idiot! Yes! All the barstard time! Stop it! I'm a fecking idiot!

See? Christ. If you took out those exclamation marks it might make a read. At the moment it sounds like one of those people who are too fond of cats.

Sorry if I sound like a twat!

R

Edit - Hmm, I do sound like a twat, indeed. Sorry about that. No need.

I read it again as I'm in a better mood and I doubted it was so bad.

It isn't. It does need an edit. But most scripts do. You've got the idea, just read more scripts and your writing will improve.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
rendevous  -  May 27th, 2015, 4:26am
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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An escapee from the institute who talks incessantly and hauls around his welding equipment?  Don't welders come with big tanks, goggles, etc.?  As comedy this one didn't make me laugh.  But then, I'm no comic.  It did read like some inane skit you'd find on a late night comedy show, something that depends on the actor doing the lines.  Perhaps then.

Best
Richard
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 3:55am Report to Moderator
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I rather liked parts of that.

Yeah, yeah, format needs a touch of work, but who cares.

Overall it comes off as more of a sketch than a story. Nothing wrong in that but I an OWC sketches tend to get beaten up. As you have probably gathered so far!

Importantly you defined characters that had their own way. That's more than many of these scripts will achieve.

Just remember to keep focus and try to grip us more with the scene.

If you refine this, and keep it to a lift, probably reduce the number of characters, this could be filmed.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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khamanna
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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It's a lot of exclamation marks in your script. In fact every sentence ends with one. That makes me think they are shouting throughout the entire script.

It would be better if their dialog had ups and downs. Here they say something to the point in a low tone, then bam they shout, then again a word of wisdom from someone etc - hope you get my point.

Some of what they said was amusing.
Just make us care for the characters, probably if there were less we would care more.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, this one wasn't for me. I laughed at this:

LIFT MECHANIC
Right! A stoic and admirable attitude, for once! Why don't we all just chill out and accept the fact we're all going to die because of my stupidity and negligence?!

That bit of dialogue anchored the tension IMO, which was the strongest aspect of this short. I'm sure others will say it, but the writing needs to be tightened up a lot. The unfilmables are exceptionally poor here, and didn't enhance the characters at all.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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When I finished reading, I asked myself: What would this be like if all the mistakes were fixed?

The answer: very funny.

Yes, there are tons of things wrong -- formatting, sentence structure, awkwardness, etc.

BUT --

There are good laughs here,  some with a Jim Carrey-like delivery. (To the nervous 80-year-old woman: "I'm just fucking with you."

And, "This is the worst hotel in the world."
        "Are you saying this hotel is bad?")

Overall: Once this writer learns the ropes, his or her humor will stand out.



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ChrisBodily
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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There is more wrong with this than I can list!



Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break. (Besides, every single previous post has ripped your script to shreds already.)

Your story could certainly use more exclamation points! Hell, put them at the end of every sentence, including action lines!

^ I jest, of course.   But I think the exclamation points are overkill.

Too much description. Too many unfilmables. How do we know he always carries his welder? Do we see him wake up every morning and immediately grab his welder?

How do we know the old man is in poor health? Are we looking at his medical records? Is his doctor in the elevator?

How do we know the punk kid hates authority? Does we wear a T-shirt that says "Fuck authority" or the anarchy (A) symbol? Making him a punk or badass isn't enough.

Turn off MORE and CONTINUED except for when a page break divides dialogue.

For example:

Code

                            JIM
                    Would you excuse me, I have to use the

                           (MORE)

                            JIM (CONT'D)
                    bathroom.



And even those instances should be rare. Your screenwriting software should take care of such things. Just worry about writing the story, and let the program do some of the formatting for you. But don't neglect your role in formatting when you're done writing the first draft. Because that's when the real work begins.

This wasn't very good, but thanks for the laughs.

Grading method:

5 stars = A
4 stars = B
3 stars = C
2 stars = D
1 star = F

I'll give you 2 stars (D), and that's just for the good chuckle, and the fact that you're new. Better luck next time.


FADE IN:

Revision History (1 edits)
ChrisBodily  -  May 29th, 2015, 9:22pm
Code formatting goof
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Lift in a 1 Star Hotel

At first I found the protagonist annoying, later I accepted his humor and noticed some funny lines.

I think it's too long for what it is right now. Also, the lift mechanic should die in the end because of not being empathic to me. So, the knockout-punch by the old man could be funnier and maybe more fatal to him, somehow different, perhaps some more irony...



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SteveClark
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Okaaaay...  Nothing here that really relates to a good story. I suspect someone new to screenwriting has taken a stab here. And if that is the case then usually what I find is funny in your head doesn't necessarily translate well to the page. Story was silly, a lot of unfilmables too. And how did the engineer get in in the first place if the elevator was moving?
Maybe I missed that. But who could blame me.

Anyway, keep trying. It's admirable that you took a crack at this.

Steve


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