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Feels like a new writer, so I'll be gentle. Or I'll have a go at it. Or it could be some smartarse with too much time on their hands who should be trolling on Twitter. I'll elect for the former, so I don't have to be a twat.
Format needs a bit of work, but so do my teeth.
Hmmm. This is nuts. New writer or not, this is all over the show. And even a new writer would know that. I suspect if I was wankered then I might have got a few laughs out of it. New writers usually have some promising dialogue or some ideas that aren't quite polished enough. But this reads like Rocky Horror with some meth heads.
My first piece of advice is stop with all the exclamation marks! Oscar Wilde never used them. They make you sound like an idiot. I'll prove it. I sound like a fecking idiot! Yes! All the barstard time! Stop it! I'm a fecking idiot!
See? Christ. If you took out those exclamation marks it might make a read. At the moment it sounds like one of those people who are too fond of cats.
Sorry if I sound like a twat!
Edit - Hmm, I do sound like a twat, indeed. Sorry about that. No need.
I read it again as I'm in a better mood and I doubted it was so bad.
It isn't. It does need an edit. But most scripts do. You've got the idea, just read more scripts and your writing will improve.
An escapee from the institute who talks incessantly and hauls around his welding equipment? Don't welders come with big tanks, goggles, etc.? As comedy this one didn't make me laugh. But then, I'm no comic. It did read like some inane skit you'd find on a late night comedy show, something that depends on the actor doing the lines. Perhaps then.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Overall, this one wasn't for me. I laughed at this:
LIFT MECHANIC Right! A stoic and admirable attitude, for once! Why don't we all just chill out and accept the fact we're all going to die because of my stupidity and negligence?!
That bit of dialogue anchored the tension IMO, which was the strongest aspect of this short. I'm sure others will say it, but the writing needs to be tightened up a lot. The unfilmables are exceptionally poor here, and didn't enhance the characters at all.
Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break. (Besides, every single previous post has ripped your script to shreds already.)
Your story could certainly use more exclamation points! Hell, put them at the end of every sentence, including action lines!
^ I jest, of course. But I think the exclamation points are overkill.
Too much description. Too many unfilmables. How do we know he always carries his welder? Do we see him wake up every morning and immediately grab his welder?
How do we know the old man is in poor health? Are we looking at his medical records? Is his doctor in the elevator?
How do we know the punk kid hates authority? Does we wear a T-shirt that says "Fuck authority" or the anarchy (A) symbol? Making him a punk or badass isn't enough.
Turn off MORE and CONTINUED except for when a page break divides dialogue.
Would you excuse me, I have to use the
And even those instances should be rare. Your screenwriting software should take care of such things. Just worry about writing the story, and let the program do some of the formatting for you. But don't neglect your role in formatting when you're done writing the first draft. Because that's when the real work begins.
This wasn't very good, but thanks for the laughs.
5 stars = A 4 stars = B 3 stars = C 2 stars = D 1 star = F
I'll give you 2 stars (D), and that's just for the good chuckle, and the fact that you're new. Better luck next time.
At first I found the protagonist annoying, later I accepted his humor and noticed some funny lines.
I think it's too long for what it is right now. Also, the lift mechanic should die in the end because of not being empathic to me. So, the knockout-punch by the old man could be funnier and maybe more fatal to him, somehow different, perhaps some more irony...
Okaaaay... Nothing here that really relates to a good story. I suspect someone new to screenwriting has taken a stab here. And if that is the case then usually what I find is funny in your head doesn't necessarily translate well to the page. Story was silly, a lot of unfilmables too. And how did the engineer get in in the first place if the elevator was moving? Maybe I missed that. But who could blame me.
Anyway, keep trying. It's admirable that you took a crack at this.