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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Great White - OWC
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  Author    Great White - OWC  (currently 3427 views)
RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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This one was well done up to a point.  But as in some stories, the protag has it way too easy.  That she's a killer seemed obvious from the beginning.  The body guards are typically moronic and unprofessional.  Sorry, their first job was to search her purse, and they should have.  And they should have found the gun and then the story would get interesting.  As it is, it's not all that new or interesting.  Put some real obstacles in her way and you have a tale.

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Few typos here and there... nothing a polish wont fix.

Two pages in and I want to kill Great White!

There's an error near the end
GREAT WHITE
Who are you?
GREAT WHITE
Name’s Great White.

She does most of her changing in the stairwell, but decides to take her wig off outside the hotel!!! Is this the same assassin from a  couple of the other scripts...

Funny she says 'I'm a professionally trained assassin', but she doesn;t appear to be.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it,even if a tad over the top.

Actually it felt more like the start of a film, where we are introduced to GW. The rest of her story then follows. You know the flash backs to those dark days in the girl guides

I did quite like the bush line.

In terms of making her convincing I doubt picking an arguement is the best way. Politely putting away her phone, would be sound.

Id almost like it if the gangster knew her name,  guessed her name. This could both add kudos and mean she hasn't had to mouth off

I would think that with three bodies in the lift and more goons in the building, the best thing is to disable the lift so they don't find the bodies for a while. Just a thought. Bullet into the controls ala Star Wars

So, it's a snappy scene but by its nature we are left wanting to know more, and that this felt incomplete.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Very funny situation -- bad guys on an elevator with a woman yakking on the phone.

I like this bit:

Jankel: Tell her to put the fucking phone away.
Guard: Ma'am, would you please put your fucking phone away.

The woman's phone conversation is well done. Such as --

Great White: "I know! I told her big bush is back. Yeah!..."

Some of the descriptions go too far -- "Her demeanor is that of a smart professional...assassin." And "This is a movie, after all."

I don't care for the Tarantino winks (or the author pseudonymn). Just let your story be your story.




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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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It was going rather well until the 'glow.' I could hear the groans and feel the eyes roll. If you're gonna lift from a fine lifter then you need to lift from where it isn't so noticeable.

It's well written. The asides were a little too numerous and began to grind towards the end.

There's some smart bits. I was hoping for a bit more though. As it is it's a bit basic. Like my hair.

R



Out Of Character - updated


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EWall433
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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It would be good to have more of the conversation Great White has on the phone in the beginning. Seems like you’d be asking the actress to ad-lib a lot.

“He moves the case so she can see the inside. A golden glow reflects on her face.”

Hey, he’s got Marcellus Wallace’s soul!

Not sure why you chose to have her leave the building at the end. Kinda breaches the challenge and it’s really not needed. Overall this solid, well-written, amusing, with clever dialogue and characterizations. This is one of the good ones. Only thing that holds it back for me is the feeling like it’s merely part of something bigger; a set-up to a longer story.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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Writing style is a bit repetitive, really can't understand why there's so much unneeded clutter in the first half page, you mention pretty much everything twice.

Very strange script, the plot's repetitive too, surprisingly. Great White is engaging, but really just unlikeable, maybe interesting, but no way anybody can get behind her decisions. We don't necessarily have to root for her, but the lack of her accessibility really hurts this script for me. The Asshole fellow is infinitely better than Great White, in fact, she's a complete bitch with 0 redeemable qualities. His annoyance was warranted, so I'm really not sure why you expect us to get behind his death. Or maybe you don't, but in that case, the story is just mute.

I'm not one to band behind 'you need to do this!' mentality either, so don't think that's where my thoughts are coming from, because they most definitely aren't. Tarantino's always been a mixed bag for me, but peeps seem to love this.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Great White

Okay. First three pages bored me, middle was interesting, third act was boring again.

I like her. The character Great White is definitely up my alley.  Don't think the plot and story is ambitious enough to film it. Dialogue was partly intriguing but the story behind didn't stand ground. Still a solid entry.



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KPM
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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Funny story idea.
Guessed that Great White was likely an assassin, but had second thoughts with the mislead of the robbery. Clever...
Well developed characters.
Totally entertaining.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all of you who read. As mentioned before, I wrote this one with the intention of possibly filming it myself. I have now given up on that, but I will rewrite it and take your suggestions into consideration.

I wrote this in one day. Read it the second day, then sent it it. I guess the quality of the OWC scripts have gone up, so that won't work anymore. Something to remember.  

Thanks again everyone.  


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DanC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thanks to all of you who read. As mentioned before, I wrote this one with the intention of possibly filming it myself. I have now given up on that, but I will rewrite it and take your suggestions into consideration.

I wrote this in one day. Read it the second day, then sent it it. I guess the quality of the OWC scripts have gone up, so that won't work anymore. Something to remember.  

Thanks again everyone.  


My frist suggestion is I want to play Great White.  I think I'd be perfect as her.  I have, umm, boobs, and umm, well, nothing, but, that'd be worth the price of admission and would instantly get you oscar consideration!  Isn't that what we all want?  To see me in drag, I mean, the Oscar is a side effect...

Seriously, you should film this by doing everything you can in a made up room that looks like en elevator and then shooting certain shots in the elevator.  It wouldn't be as hard as it seems.  I once made the sun rise through a house, and I didn't have access to any computer special effects, oh yeah, I did!!  

Someone once asked me how I got the sun to rise and block out a house?  I said very carefully since I didn't want to burn it down.  They didn't get the joke.  I seriously need to get my movie transferred to DVD b/c that is still one of the coolest things about it.

So Pia, if I can make the sun rise through a house, you can fake an elevator...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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I think the only way to do it would be to build a set. I do have a large garage with a 20' foot ceiling. I have thought of doing green screen stuff in there. I think that would be the only way to do it. I can't see a hotel or business or such to let me borrow one of the elevators for a day or two. Unless they have a lot of them and they are never busy. Another thing to work around would be the hotel corridor and elevator matching the built set.


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Dustin
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thanks to all of you who read. As mentioned before, I wrote this one with the intention of possibly filming it myself. I have now given up on that, but I will rewrite it and take your suggestions into consideration.

I wrote this in one day. Read it the second day, then sent it it. I guess the quality of the OWC scripts have gone up, so that won't work anymore. Something to remember.  

Thanks again everyone.  


Yeah, you've got to bring your A game. I was lazy this go around too... but next time, I'm devoting 100% effort.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin

but next time, I'm devoting 100% effort.

You throwing down the gauntlet?  



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Dustin
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I'm not sure. I'm just going to craft a proper story next time around, but it will be more for my own benefit than anyone else's. So if I am throwing it down, it's only because I'm challenging myself. Be nice to win one of those mugs though. I drink a lot of coffee so it would get used a lot.


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