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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Equitable Life - OWC
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  Author    The Equitable Life - OWC  (currently 2624 views)
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

North Carolina
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Isaac -- what a charmer.

A five-year-old girl asks if he's getting on the elevator, and he responds with "Well, no shit." Nice.

Old man drops his wallet, Isaac takes it.

Fifteen-year-old girl gets on, Isaac offers to show her his package.

Woman gets on, Isaac shoots her in the head to get out a jam.

I can't say I know from the script how this Elevator God operates, but he knows how to take care of business.

Overall, things don't quite jell (or is it gel? Maybe congeal).

Revision History (1 edits)
Stumpzian  -  May 28th, 2015, 1:14pm
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Posted: May 28th, 2015, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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I found the dialogue from the 'caller' to be mostly exposition. I don't understand what the point of it all was. I thought there was going to be a clever ending that tied all three girls into being the same person that had aged the same time as he did during the elevator ride... but it went to a third party who just did all of that because he felt like it.

Strange. Not one for me.

5 out of 10.

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Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:25am Report to Moderator
Been Around

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Not badly written, a decent enough story, works for what it is. Ending comes in too suddenly, especially considering we don't really get to know Isaac, you basically have him moan around and just mumble and call people fat lards. Sure, it shows us that he's not the most redeemable type of guy -- but the ending's point kind of just falls on its face.

There's needs to be a little bit more here, some direction in the story, the point at the moment just seems mute. Decent effort, which isn't a totally bad thing.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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I like the fact that Issac is sliding the wallet away from view. I like the mystery of the box and the first phone call. I am not sure that I like the choose your path phone call however. The mystery was already there ...and we know he's about to do something bad, so I'm not sure that adds to the story.

Love his age changing.

Ok ok I see where the caller was going with this and I like this story pretty good. Loved the ending most of all. Still find myself wanting more for some reason and I can't quite put a finger on it. GREAT job though writer.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 10:10pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
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Not sure why this one has such few reads. Easily one of my favorites.

I enjoyed the read and the story. Dark, which I like and prefer.

I liked everything about it. Isaac has to make choices and they all effect what happens to him. Good moral lesson.

My only issue was that even though he's traveling to the 50th floor, it seemed the elevator took to long to get there. Maybe if it was an older elevator that moves slower?

Great work!  

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Posted: June 1st, 2015, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
Been Around

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Whoever wrote this must be a seasoned pro. If not, s/he sure has me fooled.

My only nitpicks are with the occasional misspellings and/or grammatical errors.

I love anthologies of the Twilight Zone, Tales from the Crypt, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Maters of Horror, and Fear Itself varieties. Quite a fun read; I was hooked from page one.

I don't believe that a character necessarily needs to be likeable, per se, look at Breaking Bad for example. Everybody did nasty things, even Walt, but you still rooted for them. Even at his worst, you still rooted for Walt.

Lots of mystery, suspense, intriguing visuals. I could totally see this being filmed. Imagine what Dean Cundey could do with this.

A solid A.

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Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 3:19am Report to Moderator

between angeles & saints
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The writing in this is okay.  

Not a good sign that the opening sentence has a camera direction.  

Some of the action lines are over written and awkward -- not a fan of 'looking to find' kind of stuff.

Having such an unlikable character carry a script like this is difficult because I've no empathy for Isaac and I'm rooting for his demise, but then I get to the ending and it just isn't very powerful.  The allegory is a little muddled and just having him free fall is cliché.
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Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 4:22pm Report to Moderator

Southeastern United States
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Agree with most of the other comments, especially about the lack of empathy for Isaac. However, I was toying with the ending and thinking about him free falling, but the elevator dings on the ground floor and a business man or lawyer (barrister) gets on and finds the little girl waiting for him. Anyway, not my story, but I believe there is definite potential here even with an almost Scrooge-like aging of the main character. I would be interested in seeing where you take it.

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Posted: June 5th, 2015, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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The Equitable Life

Yes and No script from my sight. Hard to say. Isaac deserves pain, good that you've killed him.

Then the HOW? That is the problem here. I saw this in many scripts this challenge (which is not a shame by any means) that the ending don't really fit the story. Many did copouts with comedy for example. Well, you give an accident of a crashing elevator to this script here, but all I read before was a slow-burning psycho-thriller. And not a bad one. Also, the script is too long imo. That said: From the "V.O.-is-commanding- stories" yours is my favorite I think. Good interaction and characters/characterization here. Good entry.

@ bad title imo, equivocal is most times wrong - better be direct. I mean: Does your title represent your genre?

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Posted: June 11th, 2015, 1:05am Report to Moderator

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Riveted to this story, dying to know what's in that friggin box! Always a good thing...  

Karma can be brutal. The story's one of those that makes you think at the end. Probably could expand to a feature; really curious about the motivation for Caller/Daddy and Judith/Little Girl.
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Posted: June 11th, 2015, 9:20am Report to Moderator

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It's amazing how you managed to create such a serious piece within the confinement of such a setup. I admire you ability to grab my complete attention throughout the story. I will say the caller instruction might have been too confusing at some point for Isaac. He was given hard choices in the end. I may also add that the pace the events of the story escalated felt a bit rushed. From fallen wallets to murder. Something in between could have smoothed it a bit. Either way, you've written a great piece. Well done.
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