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Read to me like this was Don Draper from Mad Men in a kind of a surreal Twin Peaks world.
I thought he was going to hell which is a bit cliché of course but I am surprised there were not more heaven/hell stories in this OWC. I myself am guilty of that
It just seems like he was just going down a crummy elevator, possible while on drugs or possibly he’s mental or possibly his mom happens to be in the same Motel as him? I dunno but there’s not enough story here for me, so I’ll say well done for entering this OWC and take my cue to leave.
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I'm going to take this script at face value. It's just what the logline says: "Multiple obstacles stop a man from going downstairs via elevator."
I didn't pick up any hint of higher meaning.
Don sees the little girls and Alt Girl with the "#YesAllMen" shirt on the elevator and decides not to get on. The writer doesn't show him looking at the girls inappropriately, despite Alt Girl's accusation, so I don't see that as an element, as others have suggested.
Then he sees the pale vomiting woman, his mother, and Smoking Woman. He asks for Smoking Woman's number, but she walks away.
Well, that was a little different. Some strange word choices and descriptions. The one line sentences on page 5 need to be labeled as Series of Shots, then that would be fine to have them one sentence at a time. There is probably some meaning behind the whole thing, but really didn't get the ending.
At first, it looks as if he's done something wrong and is heading for Hell, because there is no Up. Seeing others in "trouble" or doing "bad" things seemed like that's where it was heading. But the ending kind of threw me off, unless him and Smoking Woman reached their "destination."
Sorry if that's not it, but with more time for rewrite maybe some of this could be cleared up. Good luck with it.
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This one... felt extremely confusing to me. The logic and the story seemed fuzzy. Though I'll give a few points for interesting visuals and quirky characters And the ending? Just... strange. What kind of bond was developed with the smoking woman and why? I guess I just don't get this one. Not for me.
Only Kube could come up with something this surreal.
All kidding aside, the writing was pretty good for one week. Pretty random, though. So much so that you could have put an elephant or Che Guevara on the elevator and I wouldn't have batted an eye. A bit of a Shining/Inherent Vice vibe... or the trippier portions of 2001.
I enjoyed your story, and then the ending did what your script's last word say. Until the ending it was very entertaining and I was waiting for the last mindfucking BOOM, a climax that explains everything - if all that happens in his head only and so on and so on.
I fudged it and I know that now seeing as everyone is confused. He's not going to hell. He's not a pedophile redeeming his sins. He's not in some purgatory magical land.
He's just afraid of elevators, and I wanted to visually show it as anxious situations. I thought it was a cop-out to flat out write "I have a phobia of elevators" but apparently I needed to be much clearer. I should've added a line like "Elevators make me feel like when your mom calls you and you haven't talked to her in months" or something.
I was watching a lot of Louie/Mad Men at the time, so it's supposed to be kinda funny and exaggerated (like that scene in Louie where he wakes up to five men banging trash cans in his room). The Smoking Woman is there because sometimes it's easier to overcome your fears when someone is overcoming theirs at the same time. Hence the race. And her not giving him the number is just to say that he doesn't deserve a prize just for going in an elevator.
I'm not sure what that poster meant by odd attitude.
But thanks for the reads and comments! First weekly thing!