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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Iron Garbage - OWC
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  Author    Iron Garbage - OWC  (currently 4902 views)
Simon
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was very good, and I liked the way the story developed, and how Marshall developed. Cliff didn't change too much, as RichardR pointed out, but some people don't change too much throughout their lives, so I don't thinks it's too much of a problem. I think there is a nice contrast between Marshall's personality, and Cliff's more stable personality.


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rendevous
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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I read this a while ago when it was first posted, as I like the title.  But I didn't enjoy the script then. So I didn't bother posting about it, as I hate posting purely negative reviews.

I'll give it another go, as that title keeps catching my eye.

Marshall Redding. Sounds like the perfect name for a long fellow playing electric guitar in a heavy rock band. The occasional Hendrix cover would be compulsory.

Not sure he should 'glare' around. It should be scan, or glance. Glare makes it sound like he's angry as he does it.

I liked it a lot more this time. It's a good idea that works well within the challenge.

I struggled understanding what was meant with some of the dialogue. I think that needs work, as some of it doesn't sound right. Some of it goes on a bit too long. That said, the characters are clearly defined and intriguing.

Not a bad little story at all.

I'd have preferred it if he played guitar though.

R


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Max
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Is it wrong that I imagined Cliff and Marshall as black dudes? Were they ever described that way? Cliff was described as "colored" but that's somewhat vague.

They gotta be both black, I'm telling you... especially the way Marshall reacted to Cliff helping him out at the beginning.. almost as if to say "no need for that bro, we ain't slaves anymore"

If that's the case.... WOW, because I certainly thought that way right from the off...

Call it what you want, but that adds another layer to the whole thing for me... that piece of dialogue spoke volumes, regardless if Marshall was black or white.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Max  -  May 29th, 2015, 10:08pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Note to Mr. Max (preceding post): Marshall describes himself as white.


I admire this writer's ambition. It isn't easy to pull off a story of this scope successfully in a limited time. With that in mind, I'd say the writer did very well. I'd love to see another draft after the dust settles on the OWC.

I read the script twice (days apart) but still had to go back over some action lines and dialogue to understand what was being said. For example, the part about Cliff finding the purse was unclear to me. The wording and sentence structure in various spots could be smoother.

I'd rethink the title, too. "Iron Garbage" is intriguing, but it doesn't seem quite right.

Overall, props for going the distance on an ambitious story.




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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm... I like these characters.

...face bruised and busted, but his eyes are filled with a certain wonder, a kid still waiting to find himself.

Great description.

...an aging bellhop, colored...

Kinda awkward.

I like the dynamic between Marshall and Cliff. The writer does an excellent job staying true to boxers and their dialogue, a cryptic bunch. Just good, believable dialogue. I found it interesting when Marshall talked about his marriage, followed later by the subject of beating his wife. The subtext in his monologue carries weight and subtext.

Written well, this tale was up there in the top tier for me. Didn't like the title though.
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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Wow - I really like this one...!  A few typos, and a bit of the dialogue ran on long.I'm also not *quite* sure what was meant by that ending.

Those teeny little nits aside, this one was heartfelt, real... very classy story.  So far, there are two scripts in this OWC that've really captured my interest. And this is one of them...

Cheers!

--J
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SteveClark
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I thought this might be tough to get through but you held my attention throughout. Good storytelling. I just had to keep turning pages.

I don't really know what to make of this one. Very well written, a few too many asides at first but they didn't hang around long or become bothersome. I just didn't get the end. I guess this story was one that's supposed to make you think, but think about what? In the end I just didn't know, and I was kinda let down by it all. You had a good setup, good tension towards the end, but... I just don't know.  Why did you bring us so far I this story only to have it peter out?

But, like I said, very well written, IMO. A solid job on this. Feels like it took more time than a week to write, though.

Steve


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SteveClark
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I read this here at work and just finished up a few moments ago, right. Who walks into my store? A customer I've spoken to on a few occasions. Anyone wanna guess what he used to do for a living? Former pro boxer. How bout that for coincidence?


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stevemiles
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Torn on this one.  Much as I appreciate the depth to the characters and the subtle approach to story, I canít help but feel the conclusion is almost too ambiguous -- perhaps for my tastes anyhow.  While I think thereís something to be said for not holding the readerís hand to a payoff/conclusion, Iím just left wondering what to take from this?

I got somewhat lost in Marshalís final dialogue and think I missed the point.  Felt a bit like poor old Cliff, heading up to the roof for a contemplative cigarette...  

All that aside I thought you crafted particularly vivid characters and a story that asks a lot more of the reader than most.  Iím just not sure I got as much out of it as I feel I should have.

Interested to see the author of this one.  Certainly memorable and one to come back to.


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c m hall
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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This could be an exciting film, one of the few instances where blocks of dialogue add texture as well as information to a story.  

Neither Marshall nor Cliff seem accustomed to real communication but as strangers they speak freely, something opens up unexpectedly and they talk, almost certain never to meet again.  It's a moment that many writers try to crystalize, in this script it works, seemingly effortlessly.

In elevator rides that follow they talk about turning points of their lives and it's as if they just needed to record these facts somewhere.  There's no relationship between them, they seem more like mirrors that happen to line up.

There's a lot of energy generated, I think, in the fact that both men endure rapid physical decline, and they can't avoid seeing it in each other.

The few gestures that we see have impact, but we're not hit over the head with them, for example, when Cliff takes cigarettes from the found purse there's no insistence that he doesn't care if he lives or dies, we're allowed to consider that he wants to do both on his own terms.  Very commendable script.


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c m hall  -  June 5th, 2015, 12:29am
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Iron Garbage

Personally, I am always suspicious of a script that needs 100% of the given space.

P5 Does the boxer actually remember Cliff's name when they met second time? Perhaps I read over a nameplate or sth...

I see Marshall is a blether, a blabbermouth speaking fast, as many boxer's do, authentic presented of you, still:
the single sentences of the dialogue are too long for my taste. I think the commas "could" imply a beat also(I hope so) but you easily could add some more periods. Even if you have some broken sentences then. That's how people speak. They breathe a lot. Would be easier to read too. We're already aware he's speking much and quick, you wouldn't hurt that impression.

Yeah, the message of "it is what it is". Always a good one and interestingly told from a boxer's pov.

Late in third act, you come to the point and become intense. A build up is needed before, sure, but that's extreme long-drawn-out stuff for me. Check the dialogue if you want to. A "lot" of shortening needed imo.  Quite decent entry, just the length lessens my sympathy a bit....



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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Well done Mo. Second short I've liked of yours now. So close to a recommend but got a consider. I think that's worth some points in whatever scoring system Don uses.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.

There's something nagging me about the script that I can't quite put my finger on.

Something about the elevator and the time frames. Doesn't seem like the correct place for this story, somehow. Like you need a place that is somehow more of  a metaphor for the passing of time and for the relative peaks and troughs of their respective lives.

For instance..imagine Cliff was the bar man. When the guy is doing well, he can buy champagne, at the end it's just a beer. There's something here that's missing. The setting just doesn't vibe with the story in some intangible way.

Rick
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Great effort, Mo!  ALthough slow, you crafted 2 good characters and showed an awful lot with nothing but dialogue, which is very hard to do.

Easily top 5 material here and I give you Kudos.


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nawazm11
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Dustin, Jeff -- thanks for the love, and thank you everyone for the read.

Rick (Scar), I agree about the elevator, it felt cramped and the framing of time is just hard to show in something that's meant to be kept to a same, good standard, the hotel I mean. At least for a bar, which isn't a bad idea, the changes will be more apparent.

Before I start, Marshall's monologue -- I meant twentieth professional fight, not amateur, hopefully the boxing fans don't grill me for that.

The script was just something that came to me, I juggled between two concepts, one very similar to Ren's Deuce actually, but it never solidified because I couldn't get a good start. Obviously the other idea was a more traditional story, but I didn't have the patience to write it in such a small time frame. Even Iron Garbage (which is a little nod to Mike Tyson's "My belts are garbage" quote) felt like it needed to be 6-8 pages longer, yeah, I know .

I'm glad peeps enjoyed it though. Now, to get a little serious, I want to focus on all the conflict comments, which I disagree with.

A script doesn't need obvious conflict to work, in fact, I'd argue conflict that's spelt out in large steel frames is just poor writing -- it's unoriginal, uninspiring, not the way anybody wants to write. The script has this looming presence underneath it, what are these characters thinking? It's meant to be a realistic story about life in general, at the end, I wanted the audience to almost compare both Cliff and Marshall as people. Does it really matter that Marshall's life went to shit? Does it really matter that Cliff broke his sobriety? Why did Marshall give Cliff the tickets? What's going to come out of all this? Should/could anything come out of it? It's just those little questions that should fuel the narrative, the audience is left to decipher the outcome of these character's lives, and especially their importance.

Again, referring to JSimon's comment, I don't think this script should even be compared to Feels Like Falling. They're just two totally different concepts tonally. It's funny too, because if I were given the same concept as Eric's script, I would've wrote it in a completely different way. We don't need to see Marshall and Cliff's lives, there's no need to make plot points explicit, there's no need make my character flawed for the sake of being flawed, there's no need to overcome everything against all odds.

Which takes me to the bar example -- granted, JSimon may have just made it up on the spot so no offence intended, but it doesn't work at all for me. It's just so cliche and frankly, cringey that Marshall is some big stud who sees a damsel in distress and he needs to save her. What a garbage excuse. I don't care if my character is unlikeable, it's just something he wouldn't do (and not many people would). In fact, his character would speak volumes more if he saw the girl being beaten, knowing he can stop it, but he just ignores it because it isn't his problem, he could care less. Forget saving the girl and keeping the title shot. Funnily enough, despite the fact I didn't stuff in artificial conflict that's been done two thousand times before, most people still liked the script, and it's because it's...

...all artificial rules, a story should be told the way it needs to be told, you don't start a script by saying "I need a bad guy and a good guy that has a flaw and the good guy triumphs against all expectations!" Now, keep in mind, my latest feature was a very basic revenge story with again, a villain and a hero -- but it was never spelt out who each person really was, they were both bad eggs, we just decided to follow the person exacting the revenge. The villain had good intentions, the protag didn't -- but why should they? Because some guru said they should? Because the guru wants them to have a badass scene with irony and conflict and turning points and payoffs and reversals? No way.
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