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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Placebo Button - OWC
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  Author    Placebo Button - OWC  (currently 3036 views)
Max
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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I think you might be right there Miles.

I loved the script though don't me wrong, can't wait to talk to the writer because I thought this was top notch. The fact that I'm still discussing it means a lot I think, it was memorable and just well written for the most part. It was cool even tho I didn't quite figure it out, I wish I could've came up with something like this.


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Gum
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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This was written very well. I love a good ‘who dunnit’, and I think this would be pure eye candy with the glass elevator perched precariously above a mega city.

… and I found the dialog and transference between beats had such a smooth rhythmic flow, that it easily allowed the reader to be captivated by the protag’s predicament.

Unfortunately, like others, I was lost on the final message. Simply because I could not deduce what was real or illusion with respect to the character interactions. 1 or 2 lines of dialog or action might have resolved the confusion; unless it was there and I missed it.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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EWall433
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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This was going real well, but like the others, I couldn’t figure out the meaning or intent of the ending. Was it a Flashback to Jack’s dad being murdered by the Stranger? Was it a dream? When Jack kills himself, was this after he’d been punched? Honestly, a better description would’ve helped me there. If you say he has blood on his face, then I’d know it was soon after the Stranger decked him. If you say his face is clean, then the possibilities are more open. For me, the ending made me question the reality of everything I’d seen. Perhaps it was rushed, and you can make more sense of it with a little more time.

Good luck.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Last one...I think.  I've tried being detailed but have found myself bailing out long before the end, so this time, I'll stay in, but only throw out comments when I really...REALLY have to.

Page 4 - "behemoth of a man" - pretty cliche, but OK...

"like two boxers waiting for the bell" - Oh man, that's a tough one to take.  My advice?  Stay away from these kinds of descriptions.

Page 8 - The series of shots is a definite mistake, IMO.  This thing is dragging badly alrseady and this doesn't help.

Lays/lies - learn the difference!!

Page 9 - "No anything about that?" - Know...

Page 10 - a pair of "knucks"?  Huh?

WTF?  What happened?  Either the writing itself messed up what happened, or the writer messed up with what they were going for.

Too bad, eitehr way.  Writing for the most part was OK and you kept me in, waiting to see what was going to happen, only to leave scratching my sack and shaking my head.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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I still want answers on this script, can't wait for the writer to be named.

Ain't no hate but I didn't get it, but that don't mean I don't want the answer... or the original plan.

And with regards to "knucks"... as Dreamscale just mentioned, I assume he meant brass knuckles.

I've heard them called that but it's a rare thing, might not come across to somebody who ain't street wise... or someone who don't know weapons.


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c m hall
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Wow.  I like that the elevator has glass sides, exposed, especially since the events of the story are in dispute, it's all the more strange.
Unsettling story.  Mostly it seems mournful, to the point of stopping time.  
Jack's dialog seems oddly passive, out of place in the various encounters he has  --
If Jack is searching for an explanation for his parents' deaths, since the security guard doesn't mention any culprit perhaps it's being regarded as a murder - suicide... that being unthinkable and unacceptable to Jack he pulls out all the stops, as it were, trying to see the events through his father's eyes.
Supposing that Gary was the one who tried to help Louisa and Jack's re-enactment is  something he puts together from bits of evidence and guesses -- Jack would understand his father's selfless effort to help Louisa and that it inadvertently revealed his "penthouse" address, ultimately dooming himself and Elise.  
Anyway, this is an extremely compelling screenplay, could be an extraordinary film.

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
c m hall  -  May 30th, 2015, 10:34am
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Dustin
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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What happened? I don't get it. He changed into his dead father and then back into himself. I think that your intentions with this story are clear in your own mind, you just need to better help us see it too.

Went well, well written... you just lost me.

5 out of 10.


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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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A competently written entry but puzzling, as others have noted. CM Hall offered an analysis that makes sense to me. If it's correct, maybe this  would come through better on the screen than it does on paper. Readers should not have to work so hard to see through the fog. Even the title, which I like, does not help.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked the premise here.  I think a *little* bit more needs to be clarified.  Like many of the other commenters, I got completely lost when Jack turned into Gary.  After thinking it over, my take on it is that Louisa and the Stranger killed Gary earlier (ie: it's a flashback.), but weren't caught.  And Jack had come to clean out his parent's apartment after his father's death - and was suicidal over the incident.  I THINK I'm right on that one...

With some clarification and polishing, this one could be a pretty decent noir short script....
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nawazm11
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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I've read the ending a few times and I really cannot understand what's going on. Why does he suddenly become Gary? It's so awkwardly phrased too, nothing to help the reader even mildly get a better mental image of what's changed and what's happening. It's a shame too, because the rest of the script wasn't half bad, the ending just destroys an otherwise decent entry. And then Jack with the gun again? Very confusing stuff.

Again, a shame, this was looking like one of the better entries until the payoff.
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Iancou
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Clear up the ending and you have a good story with engaging characters. Other than the confusing ending, I liked the story. Recommend revising and resubmitting for further review.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Placebo Button

Good title, I want to know what a Placebo Button
is.

After reading it, I skipped back to several points.

Placebo could mean he tries to change something by pushing the buttons/joining the place his father got murdered. And indeed the reality changes, but then the placebo effect disappeared and he had to take his fate because of not over overcoming his parents death.

Perhaps Jack, in his fantasy, he wanted to take the place of his father. He wanted to meet those peeps instead of his dad. Like: If I just would have been there to protect them...

He's simply depressed now, and searched an answer within the elevator and his pistol at his temple <-Not a good idea from his sight.

I don't know it better.

Just unclear yet



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Max
Posted: July 17th, 2015, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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I just want the writer to show up and give me some answers, lol.

If you're out there dude, POP IN!


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