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Sword of Damocles by The Poet and the Pendulum - Short, Drama - When their relationship turns sour, an adulterer seeks the help of a mentally unstable doctor to save her husband with devastating results. - pdf format
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
My initial takeaway from this was that it was almost like a scene from a soap opera. They’re having sex in the hospital room next to her incapacitated husband? And have you ever been in an ICU? There’s literally no way they’d be able to have to sex without every nurse and doctor being able to hear what’s going on.
While it’s not badly written, I’m just having a hard time buying the setup, but maybe that’s what you were shooting for. A man comes back from the dead and kills Brad? He couldn’t extricate himself from the grip of a recently deceased guy? I mean, it’s a fun turn but just hard to buy into. Still, a breezy, fun read. Best of luck with it.
I kind of like it but felt it bordered on too cute. I wouldn’t completely nix the scene where Harry comes back but I’d re-work it somehow. At the moment, it feels a bit of a stretch. Also, I think believability counts in everything we write, even if it's ultimately a silly popcorn flick.
Small mistake in the parenthetical - (Marla should be Paula)
The ending seems a bit rushed. Solid writing on display. So kudos for that.-A
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
Hmm... not sure what to make of this one. It's well written and the dialogue is good. The characters were despicable, which is fine, I suppose... sometimes rooting against someone is just as good as rooting FOR someone. I guess Paula (you call her Marla on page 3) was the lesser of the two evils... but, damn, she just had sex with a dude next to her husband's unconscious body. And her child doesn't belong to Harold -- both he and Jen are unaware. That's pretty messed up!
The ending felt SUPER rushed... I didn't really buy Harold choking out Brad and killing him that quickly, adrenaline boost or not. And then the nurse and Paula's daughter hurry in and embrace her... while Brad's dead body is on the floor?
This kinda felt like a mini soap, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, with nobody to root for, it was difficult who exactly to root against... I guess we would root for Harold, but, lying unconscious for the majority of the story, I just wasn't connected to him despite him being wronged.
Not bad by any means -- again, good dialogue and well written (only a few typos). I just don't think the story was for me.
Nice idea. A bit pricey to film though, with the hospital and all. I thought the idea was to write low-budget and something you could film while . This is not something I would be able to film for instance but your call.
I think you could cut on dialog. I found myself drifting away because not all of it was full of texture. The characters at the beginning repeated the thoughts in my opinion.
I also thought that the resolution was somewhat convenient. You kind of pushed it to be the way you wanted if it makes sense. But it was a fresh idea, different, so I appreciated the different setting. Anyway, good luck. And thanks for sharing.
So this was a pretty ambitious attempt, and different, and I like the noirish feel of it, and the dialogue is snappy and biting.
Didn't feel very COVID-y, again, one that for me, could have taken place in an environment outside of a pandemic.
Some plot points that didn't feel realistic, however I think that when the restriction of the page count is lifted, the "bad doctor" and the "adulterous wife" are pretty interesting characters to explore. The doctor attempting to kill the husband under false pretenses, without giving out all the information, was a good turn.
I think you missed your comic calling here. Really? Straight drama?
Your opening line: The thunderous LIGHTNING STORM dances across the room.
Reads as if it's already been established.I think it might be better to intro it something like: A lightning storm dances across the room.
I'm getting a distinct melodramatic/soap opera vibe here and if it's unintentional (I don't see it listed as comedy/satire) then I really think you should tweak a few details and reboot it. So kooky it almost works. I keep expecting Dorothy Michaels (Tootsie) to make a cameo appearance.
For it to really work on this level a lot of your descriptions, or a few at least, need to be embedded as part of the dialogue. Your viewing audience will otherwise miss out on a lot of the hidden gems of description.
I'm now reading some of the feedback and thinking maybe I'm completely off track. Not the first time. Very entertaining and off the wall. Not getting a lot via Covid-19 which seems incidental at best.
I like Brad and Paula. Nice Dynamic between them. Spicy dialog. Big secrets. Actually all you need for a nice short story, however did it sometimes feel a little all over the place and I not clearly got the vital connection to Covid-19. Anyway I wanted to read a spicy script, you gave me one. So thank you.
A little witty drama with a dash of sex and horror. For me, all the components fell short and the attempts of wit were met with groans at best. I'll give you points for spelling 'oh my god' about every way possible. Also loved how Paula responds to Harry in a straight forward conversation after he comes back from the dead and kills Brad. And daughter Jenny...must've missed something.
The scenario was far-fetched and implausible. The characters were paper-thin caricatures.
The dialogue was too brusque and meandering, like it was written in a stream-of-consciousness rather than towards a clear end-point.
It seemed to rely on shock humour; there were too many non-sequiturs, i.e. Lazarus syndrome shoehorned in with clunky exposition at a key plot point.
The humour didn’t resonate as it didn’t come from realistic character situations. It came across like a spoof version of The Bold and the Beautiful. Maybe this is what the writer was aiming for in the first place but it didn’t work for me on any level.
This was one of the first scripts I read when they were posted. I didn't know how to review it properly, so I decided to let it sit for a few days. I read it again today and I'm still not sure what to say about it. I read through all the reviews too and I agree with most of them, so I'm just going to leave it there. Sorry to disappoint.