This definitely fit the theme and genre spot on but, while it was well written, it was a very slow read. Those big blocks of text in first 2-3 pages really sucked the life out of it imo. I guess it was done intentionally, to show the boring humdrum of Ing's life but still...

Nitpicks, I'm not happy with all the use of 'begins to' / 'starts to'. Do or don't - in my book anyway.

The drama in this drama lacked a little 'oomph' in my opinion. We've seen the premise before I think, and it never really reached the level where it takes your breath away.

But for a 10-page OWC entry this was a damn fine effort.

Rob

Nice story, and certainly agree that you nailed the theme of the OWC perfectly. I did actually get a little confused halfway through and had to stop and go back a page or two and read again, but this is something that I find I need to do in lots of scripts whenever there are 3-4 characters in a scene, no no biggie here.

Maybe the post office line was shoehorned slightly uncomfortably into the conversation, I certainly had to stop and think about it and still not 100% it makes perfect sense but really that is quite picky as it does fit into the story you have created quite well.

I would have expected some more emotion towards the end and agree with a few other comments that perhaps would have been better to lose a couple of pages from the start and use the spare paper to give us something more when they finally meet up.

Great read overall, nice job.

Cheers

Excellent job, Tim! Very well done...Solid, believable characters with a strong backstory; Nailed the drama genre with no room for doubt...

t. joe

Tim you did an excellent job with this one.

I felt this gray quality quality coming through underneath the surface
even before we knew anything about Ing's past.

You had me fooled. I really thought you wrote "The Ballad of Uncle Sam".

The Family Man touched my heart. A man believes his love is insufficient
and that belief separates him from his son until "The Family Name," delivers
its message-- maybe one, last, time.

This one rings true!

Sandra

Sitka Spruce checkin in. Kinda like that name. Like Indian-Canadian action star.

Anyway, thanks everybody for the kind words.  After last Challenge when I stretched the meaning of "drama," I figured I'd play this one by the book.

Funny someone mentioned "about ING words." When I was looking for a peculiar name that Ing couldn't resist thinking might be his lost son, it just came to mind. I have been, in reviews of previous scripts, accused (rightly so) of using -ing way too much with my verbs. I love playing with character names so I couldn't resist.

Many thought the opening sequence went on too long. Maybe it's the bulk of narrative rather than dialogue but Ing lives a life of isolated monotomy. Plus it's barely over two pages. Maybe I can condense some of the narrative.

The Act 2 turn: I was tempted to add flashes of Irving remembering his childhood and Ing making him a paper tiger but I guess I put faith that the actor would be able to portray this realization.

Act 3: I soooo tried not to make this soapy. I do a lot of deliveries at work and the two days before I tackled this part I was improv-ing the confrontation out loud in the van. It's funny how the particulars changed each time I did it. The joke. I had actually read it in an old riddle book months ago and had been looking to use it in a script forever. It was presented straight in the book but as I thought about it, it became such a powerful metaphor that for perception and belief that I couldn't resist.

Not to toot my own horn "toot-toot" but my favorite part of the script was the resolution of lack there of.  Ing seems like such a sympathetic character but then we find out what happened to get him to such a dull, gray life. By the time all is revealed sympathy gives way to pity, the difference being that we still feel bad for Ing but know that this is his doing.  We may want Irving to be able to forgive and reconcile but we, like Ing, know we must accept whatever Irving's decision is.

Anyway, I'm glad yous like it (for the most part). It's one of my favorite pieces I written so far. If you really like it and would like a little more heartbreaking drama, you could check out "How You Play The Game" in my sig. It got really little response, maybe due to its' environment (a baseball game) but I think it a good little piece as well.

Thanks again peoples.

Dad can ask forgiveness, but he can never lose: The Family Name.

This is a story for anyone who ever chased a dream-- and who hasn't.

Sandra

pssst, you forgot to fade in. me too

"This is the home of junk mail."

How do we know this???

Hmm. Jameson, funny name, but it would be what i would like to have in my flask, anywho... He knows he has no family but yet needs to ask what kinda name "Ing" is. i feel like these two know each other a little better than that bantor.

"You could cook dinner in bed the place is so
small."

Don't put jokes in your descriptions, unlesss you're me.

Capitilize the  army certificate so we know the camera is studying it.

"Ing, now dressed in the best wool suit Goodwill Thrift has
to offer, still focuses on the letter."

Now i think you are a complete ass. i used to buy toys there... To put M100's in. Again, i'm not a big fan of little jokes in the descriptions. Save them for dialogue.

Alright, I'm finished. Nice piece. Umm... i'm three sheets to the wind so give my remarks some space. This was very touching. And to get an ass like me a little emotional you've done a fine job. I do find it a little funny that Irving couldn't recognize his own father. Or the importance of the letter. It was really just Ing's excuse to see his grandchildren??? So he wrote it himself and couldn't get the address right? But he showed up at the right house regardless?

Don't worry, you'll have plenty of oppurtunities for revenge. Look in the OWC. The worst script you may ever read is in there, and, pssssst. I wrote it...    james

Hey James, thanks for your libatious crits. Yeah. Sometimes I omit fade-ins. Feels more traditional than functional to have it since so maybe movies just start but i can go along with it as long as I can remember.

Just cause a guy ain't got no family don't mean he don't know how he got his name. Jameson is more of an slight antagonist to Ing than a friend.

Good tip about capitolizing the certificate.

I'll put humor wherever I want! But seriously, I feel if humor can both describe what's actually on the screen as well as the tone of the scene, and maybe make it less dry to read without being too literary, it can be used.

I'm partial to Salvation army, myself.

Glad it struck a chord with you. Time frame wise, Irving states that he was only five when Ing left. This is probably thirty years ago. And since Irving's mom toldhim he was dead, he had no contact.

The letter. Ing hadn't seen his son in decades. He says he lost contact when Irving and the mom moved. And when such a peculiar name crossed his path he, as he later says "confused a coincidence for a sign." The way these mailing places work is that all the address on printed on from a database. They are then assembled. Hence the "letter, brochure, envelope." So he didn't write it. It just, luckily or unluckily, caught his eye.

Anyway, where someone comments on something I did a year ago, I'll take whatever crits i get. And I'll be on the lookout for the worst script.

Thanks, Tim