SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 5th, 2020, 9:23pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Round 5 scripts are up!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Havoc Encounter
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Havoc Encounter  (currently 1389 views)
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 1:28pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Havoc Encounter by Lisa Clark (fuzzylovin) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Mac and Louise the town trouble makers, experience first hand an alien invation set to take over there town. The only problem is no one will believe them and they are the only two that can save the day - 13 pages. - rtf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 10:45am
Site Private Message
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

Your script is the first OWC script I read, Huey...if that is your real name.  I had a lot of problems reading it.  I'm going to guess that English is not your first language as a lot of what you wrote was hard to understand.  I'm not going to list the misspellings and typos, as they're not the important thing here.

Formatting problems were there from the get-go.  

Quoted Text

Early morning, day just breaking, another year passed as the day of the dead creeps it's self up yet again.
October 31st - house's of decorated spooks ready for the raise of the candy eating children once more.

Your first descriptive scene is more emmotional than it is visual or auditory.  And things should not be described this way.  You should describe things in way that can be recorded by the camera; that's all.  Camera cannot record feelings, only what they see and hear.

Your descriptions could be a little more detailed.  You kept describing the space ship as a giant soda can, which I found to be distracting.  I kept picturing 'Diet Pepsi' to be along the side of it.  Did you mean to describe it as cylindrical?

Now, onto the story....

I thought the story was very rushed.  While I know that the rules say twelve pages in length, and you only had a week to write it, I would like to have seen this a little longer.  There is a good story, here.  It just needs a little bit of nurturing.

Hope this helps.

e-mail Reply: 1 - 7
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Some things are better left to the imagination!

Posts Per Day
0.09 we go...initially the story starts and I think it is going to go somewhere...then it turns in a different direction...

Spelling is a big issue, fractured sentences....but I got what you were trying to get across...

The first half was okay...then it got completely many disconnects on time frame. Example: the boys are at one place and then the the next...everyone is at a town just didn't connect for me.

A good effort on concept, but it needs a bit of work on execution...


I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.

MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 2 - 7
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day
OK, not to be harsh or mean, but this is pretty bad.  It comes off as a complete comedy, and I doubt that was the intent.  There are so many mistakes on every page, it's almost as if you purposely wrote it this way.  Worst mistake, over and over is the use of '.  As someone else said, maybe English isn't your first language...if that's the case, I understand.

Read more scripts and try to use some sort of spellcheck.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 6:16am Report to Moderator
Guest User

Havoc is right!

Actually, I thought it was kind of cute.  It was naive and the style it was written in and the dialogue sort of reminded me of a Windsor Mc Cay comic, just sort of.   The novelty wore off rather fast though and I found myself struggling to get through the rest of the pages.  

You made lots of typos, your dialogue pressed against my nose so hard I could hardly breathe, but I did think you had a story there and I did like some of the images you conjured up - especially at the end.

About the only thing I can suggest to you is to keep writing.  And read scripts, see how other people format their scripts and how they write dialogue and actions.  With writing, practice does make perfect (well not always perfect but close enough).  
e-mail Reply: 4 - 7
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
I agree with the others. Two positives you might be able to take from this is that formatting software is easy to get (even for free) and it dramatically changes how things appear. The other one is that if you are new to screenwriting everybody has big problems when they first start. The conventions take time to learn and just when you think you have them another one turns up to shoot you down!

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 7
slap shot
Posted: October 24th, 2008, 3:12am Report to Moderator

what's the most resilient parasite?

los angeles
Posts Per Day
very descriptive...try using more dialogue than direction to get your message across...fix your formatting issues and you'll be on your way!!  try getting your hands on a copy of final draft, or download celtix and practice, practice,'ve got the imagination...good luck...see you at the next owc


p.s. don't forget to CAPITALIZE the name of a speaking character in your screenplay the first time he/she appears in your story...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 7
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Bowden, Alberta
Posts Per Day
I like your description of the alien ship looking like a large soda can.

What is it that these aliens want anyways? They're not killing people, but caging them. Hmmm...

Try and be more detailed than just: green alien creatures. When Mac first encounters them, work on their picture-- detailed, but as concise as possible and also work on Mac's reaction: How Mac reacts tells us about him as a character.

In short, as I often say, work on character.

You've made a good effort here.


A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 6 votes for this thread.
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006