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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Hallowed
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Don
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hallowed by Patrick Smith - Short, Young Adult, Horror - THEO and FELIX - teen posterboys for the disenfranchised - cut their usual Halloween mayhem short when strange lights lure them to Legion Park.  There, along with DOOGLE, their law enforcement foil, they reclaim the lost meaning of Halloween, but have to navigate a killer demon to do it. 13 pages - rtf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 11:07am
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BryMo
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Writing is top notch here.

However, and im mightely distressed, is that your font is courrer 10. It's supposed to actually be courrier 12. That leaves you FOUR pages that you went over. 17 pages my friend. I dont know what to say...

I loved the descriptions, kinda am confused about your story to be perfectly honest. But the font...tisk tisk.

PS. Whos getting hoaxed?


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Quoted from BryMo
Writing is top notch here.

PS. Whos getting hoaxed?


I guess the hoax portion is up to interpretation...the hoax is on all of us who are unable to see...I liked the outcome of the story...writing is good too.


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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hey dewey

SPOILERS!!!

This was real trippy. Some of it didn't make sense as how Theo lived. But it's the world you created. But I enjoyed the diverse characters such as Doogle and Felix, and Theo, himself.


Mr. R
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BryMo
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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lol so i was hoaxed.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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dogglebe
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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I think this script, while well-written, would go over the heads of most adolescents who read it.  The whole idea of it's a choice is not something that the younger readers may be interested in.

Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, yeah, the writing here is quite impressive, but I think that it's almost a case of trying to hard to write in a "cool way".  It may read well, but it doesn't really say much.

I really don't get much of this.  I don't get how characters just arrive on the scene all of a sudden.  I don't get the main protags either...how old are they?  Where in the Hell is this thing taking place?  Where's the YA genre?  Where's the hoax?  Where's the invasion?  Just what is actually happening here?

Although the wriitng is good in many ways, the overall feeling I'm left with isn't good, and that's what counts in my mind.  Sorry.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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walford
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Could see the story but didn't like the ending, demon out of the ground, lights in the sky, happy ending -  too confusing almost too much happening too quickly for me. Font 12 ? Your writing was good. Walford
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Nixon
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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This one was a head-scratcher. I'm sorry but if there actually is a meaning to this script, I totally missed it. This was too convoluted for me. I found myself having to reread certain pages. As for the characters and the dialogue, they reminded me of the second Matrix film. Gee, it sounds like Theo and Felix are saying some really profound things. Too bad it doesn't really make any sense or mean anything.

It was confusing, drawn-out and whether or not it fits the theme is questionable.


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.

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RJKohler
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nixon
As for the characters and the dialogue, they reminded me of second Matrix film. Gee, it sounds like Theo and Felix are saying some really profound things. Too bad it doesn't really make any sense or mean anything.


lol NIXON! I read the entire screenplay as if Keanu Reeves was the protag! AHH! I actually couldn't stop laughing all the way through it -- no offense to the writer.

Whoever wrote this definitely had a thesaurus nearby. Not a bad thing at all, but sometimes being too "wordy" can distract the reader. The writing was good, but the story was somewhat overshadowed by it. Maybe some screenwriting software next time as well?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Projects:

Mahogomy's Children - Feature, Horror (Outlining)
Our Last Days as Children - Feature, Drama (Free-writing, Outlining)
Colorblind - Feature, Drama (Writing)
Untitled Short Film - Pre-production
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mythos
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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I think you have successfully created a different world. You kept the pace going (except for the Mannequin scene – more later) which had me reading to the end without any effort.
Your profiles of Theo and Felix right at the beginning are economic and effective and set the edgy tone for the story. Also, liked some of the dialogue.

You might want to consider dropping the Mannequin scene which will allow you to further flesh out the climax, which presently appears to be jammed in. I don’t think you need the Mannequin scene to establish the personalities of Doogle and Morton – we get that from their description and subsequent dialogue and actions. Also, Doogle can refer to “other shenanigans” if need be and I’m sure that the audience will get it. I believe that the Mannequin scene contributes little/nothing to the story.

A few minor points:

• Legion Park starts off with caps, then twice it appears all lower-case (just a bit distracting, that’s all).
• If you retain the Mannequin scene, do you think that a cop, even a dumb one, would piss his pants at a pedestrian fatality? Would he not have encountered this kind of situation before?
To me it seemed a bit forced.
• Description of Doogle – possibly meant to be dumb, not numb?
• This may be a bit too picky, but you may want to review Theo’s explanation of Halloween for accuracy’s sake: the evening before All Saints’ (Hallows) Day (caps).
• Morton (V.O.) “Bring ‘em here (the station?) – out.” But then we next see him in the park.

A good read!


The journey is the reward.
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sniper
Posted: October 29th, 2008, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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I personally didn't think the writing was particular good. To me the story dragged its feet and made this seem longer than it actually was. I don't see any real crisis or drama in this piece and the characters, to me, didn't come off as real people.

With regards to theme and genre...nah.

Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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slap shot
Posted: October 30th, 2008, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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what's the most resilient parasite?

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there were a few story threads that didn't mesh...the writing was well presented (although i noticed the courier 10 also)...always enjoy the "road less traveled" approach to the story, so i appluad the effort...

peace,
db
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