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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Something
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  Author    OWC - The Something  (currently 3853 views)
Carlson
Posted: October 29th, 2008, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the premise of this, in a way it had the feel to Cloverfield.  There were a lot of grammar issues though, more than most and probably should have been looked over a couple of more times, but it was still a interesting story.
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sniper
Posted: October 30th, 2008, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Too Cloverfield'ish for my taste but the story was actually pretty good. It needs to be a lot tighter though, you trim this down and get rid of everything that doesn't move the story forward. A couple of things didn't add up. Like Phil said, I doubt they even know what a VCR is thirty years from now. Why isn't Bobby an alien? And why is every name CAPPED evrywhere in the script?

Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 1st, 2008, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I LOVE your avatar!

What's that from again?

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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babentman
Posted: November 2nd, 2008, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks! it's actually one I made up...a friend gave me the shot of a soldier kneeling and I photshopped it to be the tag for my feature " A Beautiful Somewhere" give it a read if you would like....

http://www.scriptbuddy.com/community/?p=4291532606&t=&pg=

Thanks!


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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 16th, 2008, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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This was good writing, but there were mistakes in it as well. You don't need to capitalize the names all the time, you just need to capitalize them when you first introduce the characters. It took me a while to realize that they were in the future, because when I first read this, I thought, "They didn't have video cameras back in the 70s...Did they?" I'm not sure a police officer would hang up after a distress car about a highway accident. If I were one of those students after watching a tape like that, I would be talking about it amongst my other peers. Not just getting up and leaving. And if the teacher wanted to keep her identity safe from Bobby, she'd at least feel a bit uncomfortable about the tape and how "graphic" it was for the students or something.

Just a few things to consider.


Sean


MY WEBSITE

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