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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Treat or Trick?
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  Author    OWC - Treat or Trick?  (currently 1162 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Treat or Trick? by Stephen Francis - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Two teenage boys, home alone on Halloween, try to pick up dates on the internet --and end up with ...a little more than they bargained for. - doc, format


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Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 9:09am
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kev
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't bad, had some pretty creepy moments! I think you could of made the dialog a bit more mysterious when talking online, when Tanya says she's an alien it would of been scarier without saying then revealing she's an alien if it was written like that I think when she was in the house it would of been more suspenseful and intense. The story didn't really follow the hoax and the community, I think it would of been better suited for the theme if at the end you maybe revealed a bunch of hot aliens doing this everywhere, just a thought! Overall, it was entertaining, good work!


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MBCgirl
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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I enjoyed this one...but as mentioned above there was no hoax or scare, disbelief of the family, community, etc.

I think if this were written with regular screenwriting softwear it would have been less than 13 pages, even with size 12 font....there seemed to be a lot of space between lines.

Over all, this could be an even better story.

~m~


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Tommyp
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Hey, some good ideas here, I liked it. Although, I don't think the mum would have accepted her sons talking about smoking weed and watching porn.

It also didn't follow the whole thing set out. Also, try and fix up a few mistakes.

Well done.

Tom


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Like others have said, there are some good ideas here, but the formatting is way off, text size is wrong, and all in all, it most likely is much shorter than it seems to be.

Numerous mistakes throughout in terms of spelling and verbiage.  A big prblem is that the majority of this short script takes place on a computer screen, which does not make for a very thrilliing ride.

This story dose not meet the requirements of the challenge at all.  No hoax whatsoever, no warning anyone, etc.

Not bad though over all in terms of your story.


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BryMo
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Without meeting the theme, i'd say it was an okay story. Nothing too thrilling.

One problem i need to ask...is this something you'd want to see on screen? The ultimate goal is to have someone make what you write. And i dont see anybody wanting to make this.

Also you have the wrong font. It totally undermines the hard work other people did to wrap their story under 13 pages.


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walford
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Story is good, maybe a little simplistic for the young adult group considering the games and TV shows they are exposed to. Leaving the format issues as already discovered, the dialogue between the characters was quite good. The requirements of the OWC were not wholly covered. All things considered good effort. Walford
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Shelton
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with the others in that I don't think this one really fit the theme.  Technically, there was a hoax, but the two teens didn't "know better".  Therein lies the problem.

From a story standpoint, though, I thought it was alright.  Definitely written by somebody who's new to screenwriting based on the layout, but it wasn't REALLY off.


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Carlson
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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I think one was okay.  I did like the whole talking with people in chatrooms idea, becuause it's probably true that no one is who they say they are.  I also thought that the two kids were pretty funny in some of their bantering.  

I did think the stuff with Tanys"the alien" didn't sound true, it was mostly forced I think.

I think this had it's moments but I don't think it worked as a whole.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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There were no numbered pages, but who cares?! Where's the hoax? But who cares?!

For me, this script is close to perfect.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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