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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Visitors
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Don
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Visitors, The by Michael Magafas - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Can two astral traveling white witches defeat a spandex wearing ghoul and his horde of fanged fiends before they massacre an entire town with a killer Halloween performance? - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 11:05am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hmmm, I think I recognize this style!

Very well written, but for me, very hit and miss.  Nothing, especially the dialogue, sounds like we're in 1932.  That's my biggest problem here.  The tone of the dialogue and the attempts at humor are my next biggest gripe.

Extremely creative, unique, and well thought out.  Loved the reveal of Arty Miller!

I don't see where this meets any of the contest requirements though.  Where's the hoax?  Where's the warning?  A unique tale that is well written for sure, but doesn't quite deliver what this OWC requires IMO.

Good read though for sure!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Well....I liked the story...what would halloween be without witches?  I liked the personalities.

One problem though....there is no Hoax, no warning the town, community or anyone else.  More could be done to get Arty to buy into that I think and make it altogether that much better.

Great writing style and a nice read though overall.

~m~


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I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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walford
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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Story going fine until about page 8.
How did the Director know Ostroth’s whole plot? Was it written down somewhere?
Ostroth turns from creepy character to cartoon character for on stage fight scene. Horror turns to pantomime ? audience “he’s behind you” type dialogue doesn’t sit right with first part of the story. Might work for very young audience but maybe not for slightly older. No title page. The future and past mixed and mixed up in the story. Liked the first 7 pages well written. Cheers Walford
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mcornetto
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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This was an ambitious effort.  The writing style was good and very crisp.  But it was uneven, at times I thought it was going for 'O Brother Were Art Thou' but then at other times I thought it was going for 'Bugs Bunny'.   The result left me with a very mixed up feeling about the whole thing.

I think the concept is great but I think because it was rushed for the OWC it never quite made it to fruition.  Definitely more attention is needed to the period.  The dialogue, as Jeff mentioned, should be tuned to the period as well.  I think you caught it sometimes but then at others you lost it.

Rewrite it and I'll read it again.  
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a pretty good one and it seem to fit the OWC.  I liked the build up of the story more so than the pay off, i seemed to have a different feel to it and didn;t quite connect.  I liked Arty the most probably, maybe cause he felt the most real.  OSTROTH was a little too over the top at the end I thought, his speeches and such, I think I would have just liked the fight without the talk.  All in all I did think it was well written and fit the challenge.  Good work.


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jayrex
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi there,

Interesting, creative, a good read.  There was alot going on in your story.  I wouldn't mind viewing this to see the whole scope of this story come to fruition.

I don't think it met the challenge about an invasion and a hoax.  It did have young adults on Halloween.  So kinda there.

This story seems to have been concocted by a writer on some sort of mind bending trip.  Just let me know what you're taking, cause I want some.

A good read that didn't quite fit the theme.

All the best,


Javier


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sniper
Posted: October 29th, 2008, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Overall I liked this one. The pace was good as and the writing was funny and witty. Personally I liked the first and the third act over the second (not that it was bad - it just wasn't as good). Idunno, for some reason I kept picturing Aby and Liz as the powerpuff girls and Alan Rickman as Ostroth. Characterwise, I thought the writer did a good job here, sure Ostroth seemed somewhat out there but it kept the script quite funny.

I think you hit the theme and genre pretty close to home - not quite there, but close.

Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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slap shot
Posted: October 29th, 2008, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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anything i would say to criticize this submission would be nit-picking...very well written, original, interesting...had a good feel to it...good work.

peace,
db
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 30th, 2008, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Like the others I didn't get that this took place in the 30s...

but I do have to say out of the scripts I've read so far, this is my favorite.
I really enjoyed the story here.

It was a cute, teen horror. Excuse me, adolesent horror . For kids 12 and up.

Very creative with the hoax... or what the townspeople thought was the hoax.

I liked the witches, too.

Yes, I think I know who wrote this.

Thanks for the entertainment,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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