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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Bark
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Don
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bark by Michael Cornetto - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Two kids stumble upon witch's evil plot for revenge. But can they convince anyone else in town to stay away from the trees?  - pdf, format


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Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 9:05am
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walford
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting story but sort of fades off as we get near the end. Nothing really happens that is too horrific. Repetitive, the same situation but with different characters. Some very good descriptions especially concerning the trees trying to get the paper off.. Seems to be aimed at a very young age group. At one stage you have the characters running further into the forest then suddenly appearing on the sidewalk. Didnít like the main characters much but liked Cindy Louís small appearance. walford
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bobtheballa
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting story, pretty original but sort of died at the end.

It was nice to see Annabelle get what she had coming to her, but all of the trees are still cursed, just covered in toilet paper. Eventually it'll rain or the trees will untangle themselves, then the problem's back. It just didn't feel very conclusive, though I chalked that up to the page limit.

Also, I'm sure I'm the only one that experienced this since I tend to stereotype names, but it took a few pages before I realized Andie was a girl. At first I thought all of the "she"s were typos before I went back and caught on.

Interesting idea that started out well developed and then sort of died down at the end. I would suggest after the challenge extending it so that the ending is more satisfying and conclusive.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, like others have said, this starts off really strong, and then stumbles.

Love the rhyming lines of the witch early on...very well thought out!

This just gets too...uh...too...whacky.  I'm getting so tired of the comedy, as opposed to horror in here.  Great premise, interesting story, but bad climax and finale.

I also don't think this quite fits the requirements, but it does come close.

Could be alot better with some more thought and time.  Good effort overall though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this story...there is a good show of creativity.  It does however get "happy" in a way at the end.

I like that the old witch had to stay in the tree to teach her a lesson

Very clever.

~m~


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When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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mgj
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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I thought you did a good job giving the tree a personality, making it one of the characters.  It's an interesting premise for sure.  It had a real fantasy vibe to it with the spells and glowing orbs and whatnot.  

I think it would increase the dramatic tension if the trees were a little more menacing or at least not so easy to suppress.  It was an amusing read though and definitely orginal.  Oh and I like the title.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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dogglebe
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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I liked the story.  It answered all my questions about toilet papering trees on Halloween.  While I thought some of the dialog could be better, I think this script would really improve if you made it longer.  Rewrite it, double the length, see what happens.


Phil
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pwhitcroft
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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That is way bizarre!

There is something about a monster trees having trouble with toilet paper that seems odd. Itís lucky that they have a bag full of it to hand!

It is well written and structured. The characters are a little thin and the romance does not go anywhere in the end.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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I think this worked well. It had a witch, the spooky trees and it played with the idea of an old prank.

The only negative thing I have to say is that it maybe got a little bit tired towards the end, but I don't think it would be that way on screen; so good job on this one.

Sandra



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mcornetto
Posted: November 2nd, 2008, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and comments everyone.  Happy to see some of you enjoyed it.  I had fun writing it and that's what's important.  I had a really hard time with finding a story that fit the length for this OWC and this was my third try.  Even this could have been a bit longer.

Yes it gets tired by the end and a bit repetitive and I toyed with the idea of having the trees do different things but it either got too complex or too scary.  I didn't want to make it either of those things because of the age I was aiming at and because it might have increased the length.

Anyway, good OWC everyone.
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jayrex
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Michael,

Interesting wacky read.  Toilet paper, spells and halloween.

I felt you have a good story here that went on a little too long.  The tree roots coiling like a snake was cool and I think this idea needed to be introduced a little earlier.

I disagree with the carving of initials into the tree bit.  If trees come to life and tree huggers think trees can feel pain.  Then I think Annabelle wouldn't/shouldn't have said that.

You could alternatively have Jeff carving initials into a tree at the beginning, comes to life and goes after Jeff.

All the best,


Javier


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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting way to make trees into the main character...but what I don't understand is why Anabelle decided to use trees as her revenge weapon? All they can do is apparently scratch you or whip you in the face with their twigs (which, I thought was hilarious). Like some people, it got repetitive when people were throwing toilet paper at the trees, just with different characters. And the ending wasn't so climatic either. I was expecting more of the giant tree to get out of the ground and attack the city and stuff. And yet, it was brought down just as easily as the other trees. And the ending was very abrupt also. It just, ends.

But always, your writing was good, and so was your dialogue (except for some parts).

Sean


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mcornetto
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, Sean,

Thanks for the read and the comments.  If I ever rewrite this I will consider them.

The carving of initials speech was a metaphorical speech by Annabelle.  She's talking about herself.

I thought using trees was a very witchy thing to do. The trees could do more -  they could abrade you on their bark, they could stick twigs under your skin, they could throw sticks at you, they could hug you till you smother...just not in this script because of page count and target audience.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
they could abrade you on their bark, they could stick twigs under your skin, they could throw sticks at you, they could hug you till you smother...just not in this script because of page count and target audience.




Cue the writer's "uncut" script.

Sean


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