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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The School Play
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  Author    OWC - The School Play  (currently 1347 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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School Play, The by Gabriel Moronta (mr. ripley) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - A alien invasion goes awry during a school play.  - doc, format


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Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 8:42am
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mcornetto
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 3:13am Report to Moderator
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I liked the idea of an alien invasion during the school play and I liked the idea of the play being based on ...Maple Street but I thought your execution had some issues.  

First off, you didn't meet the challenge.  Where were the two kids trying to convince people it wasn't a hoax.  Next, where was the play?  I wanted to see more of the play - I think you could have fit it in there somehow.  Though maybe not, there were lots of characters in this and with all the switching of locations it got a bit confusing at times.  Maybe you shouldn't do any more of that than you already are.

And last but not least, if you slug a location you need to follow it with action not dialogue.
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Tommyp
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Hello.

The way the alien came out was not that good. It wasn't suspenseful. It didn't follow the guidelines that well. I'm not sure those young girls would have pepper spray on them.

Some very good, natural dialogue. I liked that.

Tom


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bobtheballa
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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I think Mary's line towards the end defined the script:

"This does not make any sense."

I couldn't follow this one and it's possibly because there were too many locations as mcornetto said, but also I think you did a lot of "telling" rather than "showing."

In the middle of the script I would try to describe a little more the action taking place rather than relying on the dialogue to tell the story.

Interesting concepts with the idea of having the "invasion" (if you could call it that) going on during the play and the scariest monster being man, but I think this one could use a few re-writes for clarity. Keep at it!
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Uhhh...hmmm...NO!

Doesn't make any sense.  Insane amoutn of mistakes that easily should have been caught.  WAY too much dialogue that goes no where and doesn't even make sense.

And worst of all, there's nothing here that meets any of the OWC requirements.

Keep at it and read more scripts to see where this went wrong.


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mythos
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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This is one wild ride!

You have an engaging style that will be better served once you have clarified your story and develop a coherent plot.

My impression is that this is almost a stream of consciousness, rushed through to get something (anything!) down on paper in time for the deadline. If this is not the case, then you need to become familiar with elements of effective storytelling and construction of screenplays. There are many resources available online and in bookshops.


The journey is the reward.
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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I felt that the story went no where...so much of it unexplained and made no sense.

I was lost throughout...as the story was very disconnected.

Could be me I suppose


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When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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walford
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Couldn't figure this one out. Lots happening but I wasn't part of it. walford
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Spqr
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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There's plenty of action going on in this story. Juxtaposing the theme from the Twilight Zone episode with the "real life" events is a good conceit, but the story might have been even better if all the action had taken place on stage as part of the play, rather than offstage.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Nate, Gabe, Mary, Mr. Grey, Charles... who is Charles?

Hard to follow the characters.

Gabe says:

"You're looking to the side and you changed your pants without asking Mr. Grey."

Then Nate says:

No I'm not actually. I'm feeling a bit uneasy.

This was confusing.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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rshanneman
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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It was a pretty cool idea, but it was kind of confusing.

My first suggestion would be to stick to one name for a character.  It seems to me that Charles and Mr. Grey are the same person, and if it is one character just stick to one name because it got way too confusing having Mr. Grey talking then hearing about Charles doing something when they seemed like the one person.

Secondly, I couldn't find a definite plot.  I felt that things were just happening for no rhyme or reason,  I want more clarity on where we've been and where we're going.  What are the characters trying to accomplish, stuff like that.

other than that it was pretty good.  I would try to show more than tell but for the most part a pretty good story.  Keep at it.
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GM
Posted: November 8th, 2008, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Might as well comment on this one. I try to not bring up these type of scripts since I'm still in the process of learning how to write a full story.

Thanks to all who've read and commented on this piece. I will take your editorial suggestions on the feature. (Yes, a feature).

When thinking about the theme, many ideas came into my mind. I was split between three. The one I chose was The Twilight Zone episode The Monsters are Due on Maple Street. I liked the whole idea of art reflecting life. But I failed on execution. lol. i started an outline of this feature so hopefully I can get to it when I'm done with my current project.

Gabe

  
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mr. Ripley,

This script was moving so fast I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea who was who because everyone talked the same, you have adults beating up kids, I don't  know any 15-year-old who carries pepper spray, and this script was jam packed with spelling errors and grammar issues that I wasn't sure I was going to make it through. It's a good story, but I think you should work on this some more.

Sean


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