The good news...

Well...you completed a script.

The not so good news...

Ok...uh...let's just skip to the...

The bad news...

Dialogue is terrible and there's way too much of it.

Action blocks (passages) are way overwritten and not remotely broken up correctly.

No semblance of a classic monster here.

"CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of each page.

I'm out long before Page 1 was over and I skimmed along as long as I could.

Which leads to a grade of...

D-

Not sure this meets the criteria.

The action blocks were too long for me. They were vivid and I could clearly see what was going on but it just took too long to get there - cut them in half.

I was really engaged in this in the first page. Thought you caught the angst in the phone call perfectly - it just started to drag a little after that.

Hooboy.  Really - I don't think Lucifer counts as a "classic monster"
And - as with basically I've read thus far - I DO think the concept has great potential... if reworked.

My five-ten cents.

Page 1: You F*cking C*nt - I hope he had AIDS!"  Wow.  Bobby has issues.    No, I don't mind that line.  But... wow.

You really, really, really, really have to streamline the descriptions - cutting out all the unnecessary words and making each paragraph no more than three lines.  IMO, you could probably slash (heh - you see the pun there?) about five pages off this thing.

Lucifer bringing up ejaculation specifically.  Okay - that was a *bit* much for me.  But an effective line, nonetheless.

And Lucifer does have some very nice smooth lines.  Especially on Page 5: A broken heart brings out the best in men. A harlot deserves the worst and a sin this great deserves to not go unpunished. If I gave you the chance would you deliver that punishment? Cut out her black heart so she may not wound you again.

So - I'd suggest a major trimming (heh!  I said "trim"!  Giggle. Snort.  General immaturity ensues....)

That - and the ending could really use a good twist with Bobby getting his comeuppance.

Cheers,

--J (W)