Hey James, thought this was good. The whole 'phone thing' was a bit reminiscient of Saw ("you want to play a game?"), but it was also genuinely effective so it's a balancing act there. I can't think of another way to do it, anyhow.

I get the feeling that you had to cut stuff to get this to ten pages? Consequently it all felt a bit crammed in, but obviously that's just due to the challenge limitations. If you do rewrite this, no doubt you'll give it room to breath. What I was reminded most of was a Stephen King story called 'The Ledge'; don't know if you know it, but it has a similar tone and context (sort of). Don't think I'm calling you unimaginative - the actual subject matter is completely different, and since I love King I definitely mean it as a compliment.

A few notes as they cropped up:

- I know it's a style you like, but the 'chopping sentences into parts' tendency can jar if you do it too much. The only time I felt that was actually the first time: 'the car sits. Lights off.'
- It was only once Norman puts his head in his hands on pg. 3 that I realised his arms weren't bound. Surely if he was that afraid of the house, he'd put up some kind of fight? Just strap his wrists to the arm-rests, I say.
- Too many 'old man's. Derek's used it three times by the middle of pg. 5.

But yeah, this was good. Tense, had a fitting nastiness about it. Nice work, and thanks for the review.

Which hopefully you'll actually notice I've returned this time.

Quoted from JonnyBoy But yeah, this was good. Tense, had a fitting nastiness about it. Nice work, and thanks for the review. Which hopefully you'll actually notice I've returned this time.

Um yeah, still fill bad about that miscommunication on my part. I know you don't like my sentence chopping. I love it. May be my down fall. Just can't stop doing it.

Any reference to the King, I'll glady take. Never read "The Ledge", but may have to check it out now.

Thought most would be reminded of the ring here with the telephone, but can see your point. People locked in a house. Only one makes it. Comes off like SAW. I hate any of them other then the first. And yes, this did suffer from page count after I got into it. Thanks for reading...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Any reference to the King, I'll glady take. Never read "The Ledge", but may have to check it out now.

Definitely do. Night Shift is a cracking selection of short stories; the first ever script I wrote was an adaptation of 'The Last Rung on the Ladder' (it's buried in the Shorts section somewhere, must be about two years old now). If you can, I recommend buying the whole book. When you read 'The Ledge' you'll get what I'm saying, but that doesn't stop this from being a fine script. Well done again.