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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Driving The Relm - OWC Moderators: Zack
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Britman
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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We open with 3 pages of dialogue. Didn't he just buy the car, yet he's acting like he's never even sat in it? Anyway, the story gets going around page 5. Personally, I would've just started the whole thing with the warning alerts.

This was quite imaginative but I didn't find anything horror about it. If it was trimmed down and you lost some of that dialogue it would be a fun piece.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Dark (the series) by James Williams
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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 26th, 2019, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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I won't piggyback off others'.  The biggest issue I had, and I say this humbly, was I felt... at times... like the characters were talking to me and not to one another. They were explaining things to one another that presumably the other would already know. I get that we (the audience) need to know these things, I just feel there might be a subtler way of exposing them.

Overall, it was a decent effort. -Andrea.


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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JEStaats
Posted: April 27th, 2019, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Logline would be soooo much better if you deleted 'Literally!'.

Quite a few 'is seen' and 'is heard' that is unnecessary: e.g. Jazz is on the radio; Lightning and thunder.

Pg. 7 Fade to Black. OH! There's more! I thought that was the end....

Well, that was interesting and unexpected. An extra blank page for good measure. Can't say I'm a big fan of this one. The time span in the slugs wouldn't be conveyed to a viewer unless written a Super. Some spelling issues too (lightening).

Good job entering, writer.
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