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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  A New Plan For Fat Man - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    A New Plan For Fat Man - 2WC  (currently 1753 views)
Angry Bear
Posted: February 3rd, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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The Swamp...
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Well written, IMO. It did however feel more like a scene from a bigger piece though. Not really a stand alone story right now.

There's also a lot of dialogue. Not much visuals to go with it. The dialogue was good though. Not sure if they were true to the characters or not. Although I know who these people were, I have no idea what type of characters they were and how they spoke. Other than what I've seen in movies.

This was a decent piece for the challenge, I think. I do not see how some thought it was a comedy or even a pisser.

I wish I could think of more to say, but I can't. I'm a bit tired of war movies and such, to be honest. I used to like them, but since I've move to the US, I have sort of got tired of wars.

Good luck with this.

Private Message Reply: 15 - 17
Posted: February 4th, 2018, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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P2/p3 end page with full sentence

P3 here here -- hear, hear?

Well, I read it through and except for some overwriting, few repetitive asides and some typos, all marginal stuff here, it's a clean presentation from my view. The characters feel authentic for what they stand for here, developed well, dialogue fits, let's just say it's consistent in that whole areaÖ but overall concept as a story experienceÖ I don't believe in itÖ much. It does not read attractive to watch an alternate "what if" war plan drama. If any it would work as is, if you could in fact pull a "rather" patriotic audience who just worships these historical people and enjoys following them on screen no matter what. Possibly it's actually "enough" up to even quite satisfying to some.

However, there are some interesting thoughts about the whole ww2 scenario; only that driven as a full light drama, to me, it's too dry and even. But that's just a personal perception since Americans might like such stuff around their former statesmen. No clue. For my taste such a theme works better with far more satiric elements, genre probably comedy, I think. There are some quirks and charming points already in that direction, which were well placed. Hmm, I need to be careful to not give you wrong advice because I simply do not know how such stuff works on your/the U.S.A market.

The craft is good.

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Posted: February 5th, 2018, 5:04am Report to Moderator

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Sorry to come late to the party - Iíve been away and I read and wrote in response to the TWC scripts in a highly jet-lagged state. Apologies for any lack of precision, or humanity!

So, Iím not so big on American history so a few of the references went over my head, but we have a solid premise here. And itís easily understood.

In fact, the story pretty much is exposition of whatís going on in this Brave New World. Itís a one-scene dialogue explaining to the audience what the premise is, and suggesting that we all think about how that could have turned out.

Thereís a bit of character development in there, but not really a developmental arc, not even for the main characters. I wonder if itís not quite convincingly deep enough to be historical drama (since the characters currently play pretty fast and loose with world-changing decisions). So what sort of a film would this be? With a bit of a rewrite it could be more strongly stylised and I think that would help. For instance, more character development could make it more of a drama, or more plotting could make it a thriller... or it could make a great black comedy.

Interesting idea, for sure... and it would do better as a longer and deeper story imho.
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