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Page 3. And jocks are always a-holes, of course...
Page 6. Why does Becca go back to the bargain bookstore and look for P & P? I mean, I know why you wrote this, but I mean logically. If she wanted the book, why not just buy it instead of going to a bookstore over and over to just look at it.
Everything about this is standard middle of the road stuff and cliche. Yes, it works, but is predictable and dull. IMO, at least. Sorry if I seem cranky. Maybe I am.
As far as the writing goes, I would suggest trying to think in terms of shots. This is supposed to be seen after all. Not read about how people feel and such. The prose and dialogue could both be trimmed a lot, IMHO.
So, not bad, but nothing memorable either. Don't hate me. Nothing personal.
Having looked at the other comments here, you should be happy with what the others have said and maybe ignore me.
The bad: Logan. Too one-dimensional. Makes me question Becca because she's with him. I realize you've only got 10 pages, but, something different here would help.
Count me as one who dislikes screenwriting characters. I've written them myself... and in hindsight, I wish I didn't.
The good: I actually like a lot of what you've done. I'm down with it as a romcom. A bit more comedy might help, but I personally like romcom humor that's more clever than over the top, so, you're close.
I like the standard romcom near misses. Sure, every one has them, and they're cliche, but, in this case I enjoy the cliche.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
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Sorry to say this one didnít really surprise, nor were the chocolates or flowers used in any creative way.
Girl meets guy, girl is going out with bellened, girl and guy fancy each other, a mix up happens, girl and guy start seeing each other, girl turns out to be a guy, labradoodle accidentally dies in a horrific golf cart accident...okay, I made those last two up but you get the idea.
It wasnít bad, but it wasnít overwhelmingly amazing either,
It's a solid story, but neither of the leads had to do much to "win" the other. In the end, it was pure luck that they came together.
Josh's opening gambit should be challenged. Either Josh is just another bullshitter or else he's a lit major, because Becca has never come across a guy who said they'd read "Pride and Prejudice." So Becca asks him to offer up one of the "billion misconceptions." He happily complies, pleasing Becca. Before they can get better acquainted, Logan sticks his ugly head in and literally drags Becca out of the store, tossing the book she was holding onto the front counter with the comment that she already has enough books.
When Becca loses Josh's phone number, it's up to her to track him down. And she has two clues: he's a substitute teacher, and a waiter. After finding out where he works, maybe the first thing she does is dump her overly possessive and aggressive boyfriend by setting him up with an acquaintance who's hot and a slut.
Why do I feel like a ton of rom coms feature a book store?
This is just me, but some of my least favorite types of characters are ones that would bond over a shared knowledge of literature. Hereís our meet-cute, letís burst right into trivial conversation about old booksÖ it fits the setting, and Iím a moron, but still.
Oh no, heís a screenwriterÖ Maybe itís just me, but every amateur writer loves writing a character who is also an amateur writer. We all do it. Iíve done it. Weíre not that interesting.
God, Iíve actually said these words to a girl before too. Like literally said ďI optioned a screenplay Ė thatís something.Ē I didnít say it within the first few minutes of meeting her, but I said it, and itís making me cringe.
Ö jesus Christ, even the money aspect. I HATE this guyÖ but donít worry, itís mostly b/c I hate myself.
I mean, they have a common hangout. Even if she lost the note, Iím not feeling the severity of it, b/c she can just go back and initiate the Clerk. Itís a minor setback at best.
Oooofff, huge dual dialogue. I get it, but Iíve never seen that done to that scale.
Cute final note, but this entire script felt like it was written by a ďRandom Rom Com Generator.Ē Is that a good thing? Possibly, as itís a rom com challenge, but there was basically nothing here that was fresh. If you told me this was a segment from an old movie I watched a decade ago I could be convinced ďOh yeah, I remember that now.Ē
You hit all the beats of a romantic comedy Ė change meeting, setback, douche boyfriend, literally bumping into each otherÖ but it just wasnít rewarding.
Still one of the better ones.
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††
"Career" Highlights -I have a single credit on my IMDB page.†† -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.†† -I have almost made $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
Excellent story. Enjoyed it thoroughly. The ending was also really good. Ties in well with the title and Josh's history. I did think of an alternative location for the ending before I reached the ending. I had thought if she was going to use the book store as the place to pass on her message.
Okay, i see others commenting on their own script so Iíll Throw in my two cents on what I wrote here. First of all, thanks for all the comments, good and bad, because I can take something from all of it. And Iím happy that some of you thought enough of it to make it in the top 6, so grateful for that as well.
Admittedly, this is as about as rom-commy as you can get without overdosing on saccharine. But that was by design. I wanted to write outside of my comfort zone, but my wife has made me watch enough rom-coms to know that they almost always have the standard tropes in there, and those somehow seem to work for the target audience. So you have the ďmeet-cute,Ē the overbearing boyfriend, the near misses, the fateful meeting at the end that brings them back together. So I took all these and tried to fit them into the 10 pages we had allotted. The original draft actually was almost 15 pages and so I was slashing like Freddy Krueger to get it down so as not to be DQíd. That would have likely explained a little more of the story, but thatís for another day. I may try to rewrite this as a Hallmark feature, but put the setting elsewhere and do away not only with the bookstore, but also the egotistical boyfriend. Maybe Josh has a girlfriend that he likes, but itís just not a good fit. Who knows.
But mainly I tied to stick to the challenge parameters, which is where a lot of writers in this contest fell astray. I know it wasnít for everyone, and I realize it was full of cliches at points, but Iím fine with it for what it was. As to turning it into a Hallmark feature (which has to focus on a female lead, Iím told) Iím open to any suggestions you might have to make it work. Thanks again for the valuable comments!
This was a fun read. Really enjoyed it. my one check to you would be: for non writers, how many people know what an optioned screenplay mean? While Becca may be a smart girl, it just didn't feel natural to me.