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I thought this was a rather original concept, though the way it’s written now it is somewhat hard to follow what is happening in some scenes, due to some confusing action lines and dialogue.
pg. 4 - “Have some breakfast first.”, along with the egg throwing was really funny. pg. 4 - The Hobo theft was also very funny and abrupt. pg. 6 - “It’s a Valentines Day”, either delete ‘a’ or add ‘gift’. pg. 8 - When Fabien spells out Diane’s name you forgot the N. pg. 9 - “you want he for ten years”, I think you meant to write “you've wanted her for ten years”.
I thought the romance was well represented, but I did not believe the lengths Fabien was going to win the girl. I think this should be expanded upon and explained more in a future draft. I found the awkward way Fabien spoke at the start amusing and a little too awkward. While I only found two exchanges between characters funny enough to laugh at, and they both happened in the same scene.
I think I liked the idea of this one more than the execution of it. It's the classic "boy wants one girl while not realizing the one who's right is right in front of him" storyline. There's a reason that's a classic set-up. My worry is that you didn't add to that type and filled in the gaps with some errors and awkward phrasings. This wasn't bad, just uninspired. Perhaps, in a rewrite, you'll build the story on top of the stable foundation.
Nice try here with a good misdirection, but this went wayward. The writing was tough to follow, and not clear in places. The Bitter Old Lady, The Hobo - all these extra characters took the focus away from the real story. By the end it had turned into mish mosh, and I couldn’t really follow along. You had a good idea, a nice twist but the execution was lacking.
Page 1 is labeled as Page 2, and in reality, you shouldn't actually even number Page 1.
This is not a good start by any means.
I guess I'll be saying this until I'm blue in the face, but using an age like "30's", just isn't the way to go for main characters. Huge life differences between age 30 and 39. Pick an age that works for your characters and story.
Page 3 - this is very odd...you say that Tatyana is "30's", but she says she's 37, and then Fabien says he's 41, but you already intro'd him as 30's". Am I missing something here?
WAIT...these are shoe sizes? 37, 38, 41? WTF? I have pretty big feet and I wear a size 13. Are these giants?
"splatters all over his features and clothes." - WTF? All over his features? Very odd.
"Fabien is hot in pursue." - WTF? OK, maybe English isn't your actual language and maybe where you live you're on a completely different shoe sizing scale, but whatever it is, I'm out. This isn't working at all, and is very poorly written.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
There's romance and comedy, and the idea is good but the execution not so much. As it is, the script is tough to follow and I was confused in some places. I liked the characters, you did a good job, but there were too many shifts and turns in the story and the way it's written didn't help.
Nice twist but the script needs a solid rewrite if you want it to achieve its potential.
Reading that was like listening to a Captain Beefheart album, I wanted to like it but in the end I was just exceptionally confused. Now, Beefheart is considered by many to be a genius so chances are it’s my fault, but I just couldn’t get to grips with what on earth was going on.
Again there seemed to be a lot of talking and page filling that wasn’t required, and I am fairly confident you could stream line it to get a much cleaner story as for me it just gets lost across the spread of the work.
This could have been good, but it started to fall apart.
Fabien's early actions make absolutely no sense if he's in love with Dianne.
Diane’s Dialogue page 5 is too weird
>Sorry. I’m Diane. And... See, my friend Fabien is madly in love with you. He’s a little shy but I want to convince him to wait for you in front of your store with flowers tomorrow, you know... since it’s a Valentines Day and all. I hope you won’t mind.
Then after all that, Tatanya merely shrugs?
I’m lost on page 7 with Tatanya having “the guys” hid boots under the table at the coffee shop.
And now it’s switching to Fabien in love with Dianne? Like I said, that cancels out all his awkward behaviour earlier.
>FABIEN Hey, just throw your coffee in my face and say something nasty as if I wronged you in some way. She’ll react to that.
What is that all about? Hot coffee in his face? He would have to be insane to ask her to do that.
If you try and make it a little more real and make some clarity for yourself about who wants what and why, then it will help to straighten it out later.
Good job that you entered and you were working on the comedic aspect.
The Hobo trying to steal his guitar was funny. I could really see that.
Ooh, I was a bit slow on the uptake regarding the switcheroo of the women. I should have twigged, except the shoe-shop scene made me think this.
This is a bit convoluted and messy with extraneous characters for a short. It should be pared down a bit imh. Some moments of mild amusement but once again the object of his affection doesn't feature prominently enough as just that. I really thought it was Tatyana and not Diane that he liked.