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BOB COSTAS "Bob Costas, here, with my special guest commentator, the one and only Ernest Borgnine. Ernie, what do you make of this great pageantry?"
ERNEST BORGNINE "Well, Bob, first of all, I have to comment on your toupee...it's looking...well...not too great, to be honest, but on a serious note, these fucking horses all look fired up. I haven't seen a field like this since back in the early 1900's."
BOB COSTAS "And I see you brought along an old friend of yours to help with the commentary, didn't you? You did, didn't you?"
ERNEST BORGNINE "Yes, I did, Bob, you asshole. I actually dug up Jack Palance's corpse and thought he...or it could provide some real nostalgia for us. People don't know this, but I've actually been working on my ventriloquist skills these last 60 or 70 years and I thought I'd display them tonight, using old Jack's corpse."
BOB COSTAS "Well, Ernie, I'm not so sure that's going to go over very well, but you're a damn fine old man, and the stage is yours...and Jack's tonight." (beat) "And down on the track, we have Kenny Rice, who also brought along a guest. Kenny? Are you there?"
KENNY RICE Yes, yes, I'm here, Bob. Thank you. And I have to say I love seeing Ernie out and about at his ripe old age. By the time I got to Jack Palance's grave, I saw it was already dug up, so I brought along a friend of mine, fellow MMA commentator, Bas Rutten." (beat) "Bas? What are your thoughts on this challenge?"
BAS RUTTEN Well, Kenny, I just want to say that I've had my eye...well...both eyes...all three eyes, actually, on that Swedish filly, Pia. She looks damn good as always and I've seen her writing before and have always been impressed."
KENNY RICE "You've been impressed with her writing or her looks, Bas, you old perv, you?"
BAS RUTTEN "Well, to be honest, both. Being Dutch, I've always had a thang for those damn blonde Swedes. She writes a mean horror tale as well, and you know how I feel about tail in general..."
KENNY RICE "And there we have it. Back to you, Bob."
BOB COSTAS "And now a word from our actual sponsor, iscripts. Ernie, would you do the honors using Jack's old corpse?
JACK PALANCE'S CORPSE (though Ernest Borgnine's ventriloquist skills) "iscript is a great service that many of you may not be familiar with. They provide skilled voice actors who read your script and bring it to life, much like my semi-reanimated corpse. They charge only a very fair rate and hearing your script performed in this manner can be priceless."
BOB COSTAS "Thank you Ernie...I mean Jack...oh shit, I'm not sure what I mean. Kenny?"
KENNY RICE Thanks, Bob. I was talking with Michael Bisping recently and he wanted me to know about a British implant that seems to be a force to be reckoned with. He goes by the name of darrenjames, and not many have read his stuff yet, but word is that he could turn this challenge upside down."
BOB COSTAS "Are you referring to Darren James Seeley? I didn't realize he was British."
KENNY RICE "No, Bob, you dumnass, it's a rather new horse...goes simply by darrenjames, or Daz."
BAS RUTTEN "Who cares, where's Pia? I want to watch her strut her stuff."
BOB COSTAS "Oh wait...there's the old horse himself, Dogglebe. You can't miss him, the only horse in the running wearing socks on all four hooves. You can never count him out."