Bill, as requested, I've gone over your script in detail.  It's a long Word doc, so I'm going to simply E-mail it to you.  Hope it helps.

This was a very solid effort and I really wish more saw it for what it did so well.

Take care.

Jeff

Thanks for that - document received.

I was just nice for me to find people enjoying the story and accepting this OWC entry for what it was, an early draft!

All the best.

Hey Reef

Couple of thoughts regarding your interesting story.

the priest: when you made him a collaborator with the Nazis, it was information that was just added in. Since such information is supposed to tell us something important, I took it that you were saying the priest was inherently evil. Otherwise, why tell us this? so here's a thought: why not make the priest part of the French Resistance instead? This establishes an arc for him. He was once good, and for some reason has wandered to the dark side. The simple explanation is greed, but we know it's more complicated. Perhaps at some point he became cynical, lost faith that the Allies would come; lost faith in God. You don't need to show all this, but if you make that the back story, little references can come out in his dialogue with the girl.

The next suggestion is to remove any sexual motivation. More compelling is that the priest simply needs to remove the girl as a witness.

Finally, hammer home your theme of faith. Faith not only in God, but in the justice of the afterlife, faith that good can prevail in this world. The girl does not lose this faith, the priest does. In the end, when the Americans are seen parachuting into town, this symbolizes the fact that good can prevail.

I think if you focus on faith as the theme, everything else falls sharply into place. The priest's arc, where he falls from being a pillar of faith, and the girl's retaining of faith in trying circumstances. You might consider testing their faiths. Choice is the key. For example, perhaps there is a last chance for the priest to redeem himself. Likewise, there is temptation for the girl to lose faith, and she does not.

That leaves the spirits. Now that the OWC is over, there is no requirement for you to keep them. I'm not saying you should get rid of them, but you have to consider where they fit in, how they move the story around your theme. Without some changes in your dialogue, they might not make sense. For example, a priest staring at something this wondrous and still matter of factly explaining there is no God or Heavenly justice seems out of place.

I would also consider the multicolored aspect. This is a grim, bleak setting. It works. I'm not sure if rainbow spirits are consistent with that tone. A little Disneyish.

Compelling effort here, Reef, worth developing further!
Hope this gives you food for thought.
Kevin

Kevin,

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate the effort and take it all on board. Jeff has also given me a great breakdown which I need to go through.

I almost didn't enter as I didn't feel up to it, but once written i felt FA had the makings of a decent story do gave it a shot. I'm pleased I did,  but  it does need work. I would be doing this now if my computer hadnt decided to have a bad hair day and is at the computer hospital!!  Lucky I have an iPad.

The only issue I will deal with here is the  "spirits" as I am in two minds on this. On balance I would like to keep them, with changes, because;

#In a black and white world I like the idea of spirituality being mulit dimensional, a light/beacon
#They are always seen, in the script, against the backdrop of war - so not seen in isolation,and hopefully a great visual
#The colours reflects aspects of the human spirit - the variety adds to density, but it needs the right set up
#I liked the idea that we take two of the five and use them - adds to the debate of what and why
#Some readers felt they just happened - there was a set up but this can be clarified

I like your idea of the confused background of the resistance and also the different questions they are asked. I will ponder how I can incorporate these, if possible.

I also agree that the sexual element feels awkward. I feel there is a moment to include this, if I set it up properly, but it needs to change. The essence of the fallen priest, and an innocent virgin should set some up some sexual tension, just different.

One question. Could this script be a feature? On balance I am inclined not to do this, but I do see options but what I see in my head is very different to this short, if I had a try. At present I  think I would prefer a here and now script to be my next feature effort ( when I get around to try)

All the best.

Bill, IMO, this is not feature material.  It's great short material, but far from enough meat to be a feature (IMO, that is).

I didn't mention it in my notes, but I do think a couple extra pages would really help here - to show Du Mort's fall from grace, per se, or at least give some reasoning as to what and why.  IMO, it came a b it quick and sudden, as if he had always been this way, but we know that's not true, per Marie's dialogue.

Also, as I did say in my notes, in a short, IMO, you don't always need to spell everything out, as in give exact reasons for things, or character actions.  The killing of the Mayor could use some further explanation, though.

And let me say this again - compared to 90% of the OWC entrants, this was very solid, and I'm surprised you were concerned about entering it.  I'm sure you now realize after reading all of the entrants that you had nothing to worry about in terms of quality.

I think quality was definitely lacking this OWC, and at least 25 of 38 entrants weren't worth reading past the first half page.

Clean this baby up and repost in the shorts section and hopefully more peeps will see what they missed originally.

I never ended up writing a script for last October's OWC, but I read over twenty or so of the scripts at the time, and I wish I had come across this one back then so I'd be able to compare it a little better with the others.

Because this one just might have made my top three.

Very strong writing here, Bill.  Very strong through and through.  The visuals were great and I got a heavy sense of atmosphere.  I followed the actions, I always knew what was going on.  There were a couple words used here and there that made me stop and think, but that's more of a difference in the places we live and slang.

The rape might have been just a little bit too much, but only for this story.  Just him wanting to do violence to her probably would've been enough.  Otherwise, the priest was a pretty interesting villain.

I liked how you brought up the pilgrims and the spirits protecting.  However, the spirits at the end did kind of make me slow down at the end.  Not that I didn't know where they were coming from, just that... well, I don't want to say that they were cheesy, but they definately made me snap out of the spell your story had me under and made me realize I was reading.

Of course, spirits are hard to do though in film.  They just made me think of supernatural comedies where the whiffs of smoke form into a hand and gesture 'come here' with its finger.  Hope that makes sense.

But very very great job on this.  And I read that this was only your second story.  Pretty impressive stuff.  From what I've read from these three stories, you've definately got the goods.  You just have to hone in on a couple things, mainly dialogue wise (and I'm sure you will), and there just might not be any stopping you.

Again, I wish I would have read this back in October so I could pit it up against the others I read from that OWC, but this one probably would have made the top three, if not my Reader's Choice.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for digging this one up. I haven't been around here that long but this already feels like a part of my history.

FA is special to me as it was the first piece i wrote that was of merit. it made me believe i could do this, which to me, was important.

Now to be fair, the script you read was not the one everyone got to read. Some of the blemishes have been removed and a few tweaks applied, but otherwise the story is the same.

Quoted from rc1107 I never ended up writing a script for last October's OWC, but I read over twenty or so of the scripts at the time, and I wish I had come across this one back then so I'd be able to compare it a little better with the others.

Yeah, where was your vote. Only kidding i was mighty touched to be placed third.

Quoted from rc1107 I liked how you brought up the pilgrims and the spirits protecting.  However, the spirits at the end did kind of make me slow down at the end.  Not that I didn't know where they were coming from, just that... well, I don't want to say that they were cheesy, but they definately made me snap out of the spell your story had me under and made me realize I was reading.

I'm glad you spotted the connection of the pilgrims and the spirits - most didn't see that.

As to the spirits, well you know what OWC's are like, and we needed a ghost that was misunderstood! You are not alone in not buying into them but, righty or wrongly (i'm probably too sensitive at this point) i like them.

Not sure if you read the explanation behind them but first off, i wanted the viewer to see them with WAR raging in the background. The suggestion being they are linked.

The colours are then the aspects of humanity, human spirit for want of a better phrase, so more that just some floaty ghosts. Purple, for spiritual, helps the believer, black for death, not the devil, does similar.

Thanks for that, its been nice to see this old friend again.

Please let me know if there is something i can read to return the favour.

cheers

bill