SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 31st, 2020, 2:33am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Mr. Daniels - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Mr. Daniels - OWC  (currently 3215 views)
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:01am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Mr. Daniels by Alexander Toplake (Laika) - Short, Gothic Horror - An old hitman gets a visit from from his past. 7 pages, 2 characters, PG-13 Rating - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 29th, 2011, 4:58pm
Site Private Message
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
I (my opinion) never really like it when scrips use the word WE to describe stuff. We float through the halls, we open on en empty hall, etc.

I would break up that first paragraph. This is a script, not a novel. Make it easier on the eyes, think of every shot as it's own sentence.

I would drop every reference to the camera. It immediately takes the reader out of the story and lets them know they are reading a script. Use 'camera' for a shooting script.

Drop ing ending words, write in the present. Standing becomes stands, etc.

Who is Andreas? You have him speaking, but I have no idea who this character is. You've only introduced Albert and Daniels.

Lose the continues at the bottom and top of each page.

Using Mr. Daniels as his voice and Emmanuel as his name in the actions will confuse the reader. Stick to one or the other.

I don't know if it follows Gothic Horror really, just my opinion on the subject.

All in all, I know who was the ghost and the only surprising part was the he was in love with him. To me this piece has more backstory than actual story. It's simply two men talking about their past and then we discover one is dead. Kinda boring in my opinion.

Not my favourite.

Good job on finishing.

A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 25
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day
Opening with a 15 line passage is never the way to go. Lots of "we" stuff everywhere,  Unfilmables, many other issues.

1 passage is as far as I can get here.

Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC!!

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 2 - 25
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 4:53pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day

If youíre new to SS, welcome!

When readers look at a script they look for concise clear writing not cluttered. Your style of blocking your descriptive action is the opposite of what reads easily. Readers wonít read it and at least itíll distract from the read. I usually am not successful at changing someoneís style, but thatís the best advice I can give you right now.

Please, no blocks over two to four lines,

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 25
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

With some polishing, this one could be very interesting.

A few nitpicks/comments, though:

* I'm sure it's been mentioned, but the descriptions are much, much too lengthy - especially when it's the first thing you see in the script!  Delete any camera directions, any over descriptions.  And for what's left, chop it up into paragraphs no more than three lines long.  That'll make it a much easier read.

* I actually enjoyed the "James Bondish-ness" of the dialogue.  Some might call it a little cliche, but it had a certain style to it which I did enjoy.

* I also really liked the premise behind the spy having a man-crush on his partner.  It's a fresh twist on an older idea, that could ultimately really pan out.

But - the exposition of the dialogue just doesn't tell the story straightforward enough.  It's a little confusing, a touch rigid.  Polish it up, rework it.  Keep the "Bond" feeling going with it, and this could be a fun piece!  It's worth re-polishing, fixing the few typos, and playing with, I think.  
e-mail Reply: 4 - 25
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 1:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Los Angeles
Posts Per Day
Iím pretty fuzzy on how this is a gothic horror story.
But we do have another misunderstood ghost present.
Everything happens through dialogue, not action.
The novelistic prose suffocates any hint of a story.
I couldnít tell much of what was happening, too much talk.
Ghosts and spies do not a good combo make.
Unsure if this is a transplant or misinterpretation of the rules.
Thanks for playing OWC.



CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Private Message Reply: 5 - 25
c m hall
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 9:10am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

peninsula of Jersey
Posts Per Day
I'm going to guess this is an early draft and give you the benefit of the doubt that all of the obvious corrections will be made.
The characters are charming and original in many ways, I hope to read a revised version of this script some time.
Great atmosphere.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 25
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 6:53pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Sorry, I just couldn't get into this one.
I got lost about halfway in,  found the story was lead almost entirely by ropy dialogue and felt there was nothing Gothic horror here at all.
I'm puzzled why you wrote such a large block of action for the first and last pages. You could have cut these down into four line chunks and the page count wouldn't have gone anywhere near the limit.
I'm sure there is a decent idea in here, just keep working at it.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 25
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 7:28pm Report to Moderator

I got dipping sticks.

Los Angeles
Posts Per Day
don't open with a song. not only is it incorrect to do so, but will alienate your script as well (many posters won't read past page 1).

no more than 4 lines of descriptors.

very talky script. makes it difficult to get through. definitely scale it down and insert more action.

overall i think this needs to be a bit more focused and concise. i don't really care about any of the characters and that's a problem. i enjoyed the twist, but this one needs to be revised.

would love to read the rewrite. congrats on completing an entry.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 25
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
I thought the opening was too lengthy almost like a book. And too much "how to shoot the camera" jargon.

There were tons of grammatical and spelling and cap errors which usually I can ignore but not when there are so many.

I saw the ghost and he was somewhat misunderstood, so that part fits. However, I couldn't find the 'gothic' theme in the story.

I do believe the story has potential with a rewrite though.

Thank you for your entry...look forward to reading more in the future from you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 25
Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 2:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Thereís so much black on the first page, I thought ink spilled on it. Yeah, you need to break that up a little.

Exhales deeply? Is that even possible? Hmm.

Ex: Argentina?

Whoís Andreas? Did I miss something?

Some grammar issues. Your instead of youíre, i instead of I, loosing instead of losing, etc.

I like the dialogue. Until we get to the twist. Then Albertís dialogue becomes filled with throwaway lines. Other than that, I liked the dialogue.

Iíve noticed a homosexuality theme in a few of the scripts this OWC. Iím all for more gay characters. I just hope theyíre not all killers.

Overall, an interesting take on the challenge with some good dialogue. Needs to have the description broken up and streamlined. Otherwise, good job.


Private Message Reply: 10 - 25
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 2:24am Report to Moderator
Guest User

This one ends as it began... No FADE IN or OUT and a very wordy descriptions of things that could've/ should've been condensed down to no more than 4 lines, preferably 2 to 3.  

I find the (Continues) at the tops and bottoms of each page, as always with this software, to be offensive.   Turn it off if possible.

Not a huge fan of the We see stuff or the We are stuff.  Omit it when you find a better way to bring us into the action.  It might be a personal preference, but by and large most will agree it only distracts cos' we're already in the scene the moment we start reading -- Well, at least we should be.

I don't really like to dwell on what you could've done story wise because it's simply not my story to tell.  It's yours.  If I told you a list of things where I felt you went wrong you'd either not listen to me or worse yet, actually listen and then change it all around.  Maybe for the best -- Possibly for the worst.  Who knows but you?

It kept me scrolling down the page, even with the multiple hang ups I came across.  I agree with a few of the others that the dialogue was well enough and the twist was alright.  Very little in way of meeting the challenge at hand, other than the ghost.  I guess that's part of the uphill climb, right?

Good luck on it.
e-mail Reply: 11 - 25
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 3:42am Report to Moderator

London, UK
Posts Per Day
I'm not sure how i feel with all the Bond references, The Mr. Daniels had me instantly picturing Daniel Craig, not sure if that was intentional or not.

Ignoring the lengthy paragraphs and directions, this started pretty interesting, I thought the diolog was good and it kept me reading.

Not gothic, but I think it fulfils the misunderstood ghost requirement well.  I do think this was a little too simplistic a story with the ghost simply revealing his true intentions through expository dialogue.

Another thing that I didn't get was the 'mole' concept.  How did he not know that he himself was the mole? That kinda confused things for me, felt like a spurious twist.

Not bad, but it lost me in the second half.


Revision History (1 edits)
Leon  -  October 18th, 2011, 4:49am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 25
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 10:16am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse

The Swamp...
Posts Per Day
When I first opened this one up and saw the big block of text, I closed it again. Why? Because it screamed newbie who doesn't know how to write a script and that usually means the story sucks too. After a minute I opened it back up again. Thought I should at least read a few words of it. Being a Bond fan (the older films) I noticed the Walter PPK and decided to continue. As far as reading goes it got easier since the other pages were just dialogue. Halfway through my mind started drifting, but then you dropped the gay thing in there and my interest peaked. I liked that part of it. That's definitely not what people would expect. Then you sort of went too far when they started talking about wanting to be actors. I just can't see hit men secretly wanting to be actors. Didn't ring true for me at all.

So, in short, I liked the premise of a hit man/assassin being visited by a ghost of one of his victims and I liked the gay thing. Now you need to learn the easier part of screenwriting which is formatting.  

Private Message Reply: 13 - 25
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Oh Hi

San Diego, California
Posts Per Day
This didn't work for me at all.  First thing's first - proofread.  Mr. Daniels is referred to as three different names seemingly interchangeably.  A bunch of typos as well, specifically "I" being "i".  And then the giant blocks of text - lose them.  

As for the story I just found it routine and it left me asking the basic questions; why is the ghost coming back, how is the ghost coming back, etc.  I also would have liked to see a greater conflict than just a guy and a ghost talking back and forth.  

Sorry.  Don't be discouraged if you're new to this.  It's hard to write a script in one week.


Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 25
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2011 One Week Challange  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006