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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Innocence Condemned - OWC
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  Author    Innocence Condemned - OWC  (currently 4435 views)
leitskev
Posted: October 22nd, 2011, 11:02am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey writer

Was excited to see 1692. I grew up not far from Salem, and recently discovered that where I currently live was at the center of the scare. In fact, I possibly live on land of one of the witches, certainly within less than a mile anyway. If you plan on expanding this and have any questions about the area, feel free to PM me.

The story begins effectively, though overwritten. I think you got the details mostly right. Some things anyway. I'm no country boy, but I don't think a team of horses is called a "herd". And I'm pretty sure the rifle was not invented til the 1800s. But we understood the points, so no big deal.

I'm not sure what was going on with the makeup. That kind of thing needs to be explained, I think. I don't even know what was around for makeup in those days. Probably powders and rouges in the royal courts.

The raping and the seed stuff doesn't really work for me.

I would reconsider the part at the end where the witch says just follow the path into the woods to the house at the end. This area, and I know you didn't say Salem, but her area would be similar, was all paths and woods. Maybe you could have a crow lead the way, or something.

A nice, easy story to follow. Work on making your description clearer, and I expect to see good stuff from you!


rifle not invented in 1692
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SpecialAgentDaleCooper
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Dreamer of dreams.

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"The horses pull at the reins and make horse noises."

This could be phrased so much less redundant and awkward. I'm not sure why this stood out so glaringly to me - but so much of the opening descriptions need some TLC.

Bea also would not have said, "Who's there?" in that time. Contractions weren't big during the late 17th century. The dialogue needs some work to cater to the setting. You have more contractions later, and one of your characters says, "Yeah," which is also a big no-no.

I also think the make-up to be somewhat anachronistic, particularly considering the Puritan nature of the settlers - at most, there were powders and lip color; not lipsticks and eyeliner.

Orillia was, additionally, mentioned to have been burned alive...and yet, you later describe her as being bruised and scarred. That's bothersome. Someone burned to death wouldn't be especially bruised...nor would they have had time to scar. Take another look at that bit of description.

You missed FADE OUT at the end.

Pretty decent work, considering you had a week to write it, but I wish you'd run spellcheck or double-checked your grammar at the very least. The dialogue, again, is the real killer - in addition to several other anachronisms.






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rdhay
Posted: October 24th, 2011, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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I like the story, but I have to admit that I saw the first page and decided to skim through the huge paragraphs. I'm sure everyone else has mentioned that you need to break up the paragraphs and cut the unfilmables (or anything that you just don't need). Other than that, I think this story has real potential.

The only let-down for me was that the ghost wasn't very misunderstood. I think making her appear evil right up until the very end would have added tension and the sense of foreboding.

Good effort on this. I'd love to read the rewrite
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albinopenguin
Posted: October 24th, 2011, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


I got dipping sticks.

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tried to get through this one, but it proved a bit too difficult. a quick piece of advice that i don't think anyone else has mentioned. make sure you stay consistent with each character's dialogue. LILA has an accent at the end of her conversation with Bea but not throughout it.

needs a lot of work, but would be happy to read the rewrite. good luck with it.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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My first try at screenwriting and I'm learning. Thank you to all who read and reviewed this newbie short.

Today I hashed out a rewrite of my owc. I shortened all the descriptive prose-like paragraphs, tried to describe my characters better, cut a lot out, took out the rape scene, fixed as many formatting issues as possible and ended the story with a TWIST which wasn't in the first one.

I hope that when the rewrite is posted, some will read and review it for me.

Thanks again for all of your comments.
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leitskev
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Let us know when it posts. I'll look, and we'll twist Jeff's arm. You might have to send him Jaeger.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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LOL Always have a fresh supply of jaeger
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