SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 31st, 2020, 1:28am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Innocence Condemned - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Innocence Condemned - OWC  (currently 3738 views)
leitskev
Posted: October 22nd, 2011, 11:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.91
Hey writer

Was excited to see 1692. I grew up not far from Salem, and recently discovered that where I currently live was at the center of the scare. In fact, I possibly live on land of one of the witches, certainly within less than a mile anyway. If you plan on expanding this and have any questions about the area, feel free to PM me.

The story begins effectively, though overwritten. I think you got the details mostly right. Some things anyway. I'm no country boy, but I don't think a team of horses is called a "herd". And I'm pretty sure the rifle was not invented til the 1800s. But we understood the points, so no big deal.

I'm not sure what was going on with the makeup. That kind of thing needs to be explained, I think. I don't even know what was around for makeup in those days. Probably powders and rouges in the royal courts.

The raping and the seed stuff doesn't really work for me.

I would reconsider the part at the end where the witch says just follow the path into the woods to the house at the end. This area, and I know you didn't say Salem, but her area would be similar, was all paths and woods. Maybe you could have a crow lead the way, or something.

A nice, easy story to follow. Work on making your description clearer, and I expect to see good stuff from you!


rifle not invented in 1692
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 21
SpecialAgentDaleCooper
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 11:26am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Dreamer of dreams.

Location
Appalachia
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
"The horses pull at the reins and make horse noises."

This could be phrased so much less redundant and awkward. I'm not sure why this stood out so glaringly to me - but so much of the opening descriptions need some TLC.

Bea also would not have said, "Who's there?" in that time. Contractions weren't big during the late 17th century. The dialogue needs some work to cater to the setting. You have more contractions later, and one of your characters says, "Yeah," which is also a big no-no.

I also think the make-up to be somewhat anachronistic, particularly considering the Puritan nature of the settlers - at most, there were powders and lip color; not lipsticks and eyeliner.

Orillia was, additionally, mentioned to have been burned alive...and yet, you later describe her as being bruised and scarred. That's bothersome. Someone burned to death wouldn't be especially bruised...nor would they have had time to scar. Take another look at that bit of description.

You missed FADE OUT at the end.

Pretty decent work, considering you had a week to write it, but I wish you'd run spellcheck or double-checked your grammar at the very least. The dialogue, again, is the real killer - in addition to several other anachronisms.






Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 21
rdhay
Posted: October 24th, 2011, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Victoria, Australia
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
0.08
I like the story, but I have to admit that I saw the first page and decided to skim through the huge paragraphs. I'm sure everyone else has mentioned that you need to break up the paragraphs and cut the unfilmables (or anything that you just don't need). Other than that, I think this story has real potential.

The only let-down for me was that the ghost wasn't very misunderstood. I think making her appear evil right up until the very end would have added tension and the sense of foreboding.

Good effort on this. I'd love to read the rewrite
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 21
albinopenguin
Posted: October 24th, 2011, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
Regular


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
795
Posts Per Day
0.19
tried to get through this one, but it proved a bit too difficult. a quick piece of advice that i don't think anyone else has mentioned. make sure you stay consistent with each character's dialogue. LILA has an accent at the end of her conversation with Bea but not throughout it.

needs a lot of work, but would be happy to read the rewrite. good luck with it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 21
Pale Yellow
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2053
Posts Per Day
76.04
My first try at screenwriting and I'm learning. Thank you to all who read and reviewed this newbie short.

Today I hashed out a rewrite of my owc. I shortened all the descriptive prose-like paragraphs, tried to describe my characters better, cut a lot out, took out the rape scene, fixed as many formatting issues as possible and ended the story with a TWIST which wasn't in the first one.

I hope that when the rewrite is posted, some will read and review it for me.

Thanks again for all of your comments.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 21
leitskev
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.91
Let us know when it posts. I'll look, and we'll twist Jeff's arm. You might have to send him Jaeger.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 21
Pale Yellow
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2053
Posts Per Day
76.04
LOL Always have a fresh supply of jaeger
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 21
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2011 One Week Challange  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006