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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Our Lady of Eternal Suffering - OWC
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  Author    Our Lady of Eternal Suffering - OWC  (currently 4948 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Our Lady of Eternal Suffering by Rick Kinsella (scartissuefilms) - Short, Gothic Horror - When an amateur Theologian goes in search of an ancient archaelogical site, little does he know he will stumbling onto a dangerous secret that spans Space and Time… 12 pages, unrated thus far - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  October 29th, 2011, 4:59pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Good job on this one. you managed to put a little sci fi in whyle still keeping to the gothic horror. I really have no objections here, this is my first one to read and I'm sure it will be one of the better ones. this sets the standards pretty high. Good job.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hello Patty,

Ok, good writing, strong script and competent handling.

My comments;

Flashlight - just happens to be there? Seemed a bit weak
Briggs - good character, well done
Weather - we have fog, then moon lit sky then thunder all at the same time? Talk about changeable
Door found, "under soil"?
Girls soul is released - not sure what this looks like

I was beginning to think this is very strong, very solid, then the ending.

Sorry, but you have a modern scientist, lots of equipment, an experiment which fails then tell me she's been around for ever, but they all know that. Something jarred.

I think you have something strong here, but the end needs to be different for me.

All the best.

EDIT NOTE; this one bothered me over night so i re read the ending this morning. I was worried that i had missed something.

Other than removing my unnecessary use of the word yuck (sorry, i was tired)i think my review still holds. It is all very strong but i just find it difficult to square the portal, the girl, the age of the Abbey, her death and the others knowledge of it. Others seem happy with this so probably best to ignore me. Cheers.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

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Reef Dreamer  -  October 16th, 2011, 1:42am
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c m hall
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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I like this very much, it's got an amazing amount of drama for a few pages -- terrific characters, good dialogue and a satisfying ending.  Great job!
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Scoob
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Thoroughly enjoyable and original. Reminded me of the sort of story you could discover in an old "Tales Of Terror" type comic. It actually felt like I was reading one thanks to the ace descriptions. Loved the writing and format.



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feat747
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Top notch. Very well written. I like that you mixed the Gothic genre with the high tech.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Our Lady of The Eternal Suffering.  That was the name of my grade school.(rimshot)

But seriously, I'm going to have to disagree with the other posters.  I just didn't care for this one.  This felt about as far from Gothic Horror as possible.  Sure, it was set within the bowels of some Gothic ruins, but it contained none of the classic elements of Gothic horror.  This was much more of a trippy sci-fi tale.  On that end, I actually thought it was pretty good.  Almost like a throwback to 1970's astral projection stuff with all kinds of weird laboratory equipment.

One big problem was your main character, Charles Briggs, completely disappears from the story for a full six pages.  By the time he returns to the story, I had pretty much forgotten about him.  

It's an interesting idea, these Gothic ruins being a sort of an eternal portal to alternate dimensions, but the jarring shift of the first five pages of atmospheric horror into straight up sci-fi didn't work for me.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Gonna have to agree with Ryan here. Whom I thought was your main character simply dissapears in the midst of things. Dug the sci-fi vibe going on here, but never really felt it was gothic.

Eventhough I don't think it found the parameters of this challenge, I did find it an interesting read. Reminded me of Joss Whedon's "The Cabin in The Woods". A bit of a sci-fi pisstake on horror, but i liked it. Have the script if you want to read it. they shot it last year, but keep pushing the release date back. Not a good sign.

Then again, Mr whedon just got done blowing up half of Cleveland a couple months ago whilst directing The Avengers. Never made it down to a shoot. I thought they should've blown up the whole town and bull-dozed it into Lake Erie. Wtf am i rambling on about...

Good job completing the OWC...

James


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Eoin
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Thw standard of writing and creative thinking here was impressive. As a stand alone piece, this is a nice little tale. In terms of the challenge however, it's a bit off the mark. It's a blend of genre elements, rather than a gothic horror.

Would have prefered the InnKeeper description after he is introduced.

Alot of the dialouge at the start is exposition. I'd prefer to be at the Abbey discovering the story as Briggs does, or watch Briggs walking up that trial, map and flashlight in hand, nervously navigating his way.

I have a hard time believing Charles would scream at the owl's hoot, but doesn't even seem fazed by blood dripping from a statue . . .

'Bottomless eye sockets', reads a little awkward.

By page 7, this writer is deep into their comfort zone, sci fi.

'A blue electromagnetic force-field surrounds the bed.' Electromagnetism can't be seen, it's effects can, so we wouldn't know that's what this is.

Some the action descriptions here are redundant:

'The world dissolves around her. The fabric of reality tears apart piece by piece. Light shines through from the other side as...

...the VORTEX opens. A tunnel of sound and vision that moves at breathtaking speed and ends in unbearable light.'

Just show us what happens, don't tell us, we'll interpret for ourselves.

The ending with the  Innkeeper was a little weak. Overall this enjoyable.
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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This was a good attempt at bringing something fresh to the challenge but was off the brief by quite a lot.
I like the idea of introducing sci-fi into a ghost story though you did get carried away with it for a while. I like the fact taht the ghost wasn't your typical spirit.
The ending was a bit wonky with the inn patrons laying wreath's and being fine with the whole portal concept.
An ok attempt at a different angle on the genre.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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A traditional gothic start with a misunderstood ghost.
Then you take bold hairpin turn into a different setting.
I suppose the White Lady’s dialogue was not to Charles. Clever.
The good doctor repeats his ego driven drivel a tad much.
Felt super weird to abandon Charles for so long.
He stood there through six pages without doing anything?
Bold idea, but not exactly theme friendly.
The ending at the inn didn’t add much to the story.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.


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Laika
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I like how you bring sci-fi to the table and I feel like you have some interesting ideas. You just have to find the right angle. Because i think your story has potential. But Charles' is there for one reason only. As a measure to lead us to the real meal. He's a good character, i know, but what does he learn, how does he change/evolve and what do you want to tell us.

But thumbs up!


Sorry my grammar and typos- I'm from Denmark and English is only my second language.
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Baltis.
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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The strongest aspect of this script, since it handled the Gothic horror in a different way as many of the others I've been reading has done, is the rock solid dialect between characters.   Crazy good exchanges here... exchanges so well crafted I didn't care about the slugs after awhile.  

I was impressed at the way you interwove the Gothic bits, literally transcended them into a futuristic-type story, akin to something like Kubrick might've done in his day.

I was pretty impressed all around.  Tight, solid story given the length in which you all had to write these scripts and everything, to me, fell together pretty effortlessly.

Certainly done by someone who's written a few scripts in their own day.  I like this one.

3 scripts down and a lot to go.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey "Patty" -

When I started this one, I was really intrigued.  Entertaining bar banter, mysterious ruins to go explore.  Looked like I was in for a pretty fun ride.

And in some ways, I did like where this went (completely in directions I don't think anyone would have guessed.)  More SF than gothic.

Problem is, the "experimental scenes" (ie: the bulk and exposition of the story) went on too long for my tastes.  Okay, we get it.  He's using the woman as a vessel to explore the greater heavens.  But...it didn't end!  

I don't mean this critically at all, but suggest that this section might need a trim.  A tightening up in both dialogue and description.

Then he runs into the bar patrons, just outside the door.  That's fine (and actually, I was glad to see them return) - but maybe a bit more explanation of their part as guardians (though still going light on the exposition, if possible.)

Cheers, and congrats on the OWC!
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leitskev
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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There are some aspects to this that are very effective and unexpected. And there are some things that confused me. A bold effort, though, which I am always in favor of.

Pretty solid opening page in terms of description. But there are some things that could be strengthened. This is when we meet our protag, and he has a clear goal: to investigate the abbey. Excellent. This would be a good opportunity to give him a flaw, or something that could lead to an arc. Or maybe have him do something that bonds him to the audience, makes us care about him. Difficult to do within the space here, but would help if you can manage it.

Ok, your next issue is the unlikelihood of a professor investigating an abbey at night. You seemed to even recognize this in your dialogue. One way around might be for him to not know about the abbey. Maybe he is on his way somewhere, spending the night in this little town. When his work comes up in casual conversation, the bar tender tells him about their abbey. Local people are usually proud of their heritage so this seems plausible.

Now we arrive at our appropriately spooky abbey. Good job! I love the setting. And we meet what we think is a ghost, but what will turn out to be an astral projection. Very nice.

I want to add I don't approve of the professor talking to himself.

Next, the projection/ghost leads him to the laboratory. On the way we have torch lit stairs. Struck me as odd when I read it. Who lit the torches? And one we find out it's a lab, would it be torches? But no big deal with this.

Next we discover the lab. Nice turn. I enjoyed this unexpected twist as it happened. Some of what follow is a little murky, and I'll have to wait for the writer explanation. One of my questions while reading was, why here? Why set up a lab here? But I suppose that is because of the Anglo Saxon gateway.

The mad scientist's dialogue needs work:

"We’re about to go
beyond the limits of science and
religion."

--This just doesn't seem like what he would say in the moment. But not terrible.

And then finally, his experiment kills the girl, whose projection becomes a ghost, and leads Charles to shut down the lab and lock in the professor.

The confusing part to me was the villagers. Did they know about the lab?

We also ended up with no character development at all. Which actually is standard for these types of films, I think, so not the end of the world.

Pretty good effort. With some tweaking could really work out. Maybe the villagers should not show up at the end. That seemed to muddle things a little, but I'll wait for the writer's explanation on that. Maybe I am missing something.
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