Who did this?! I really wanna know!!!! You crazy character you! Loved it!!!

Fix the beginning will ya? With your funny goofin' 'round with format. And, stuff like, "Let's get outta here". "You're the older brother... you outta know..."  

You crack me up. I really did get a kick out of this one. Hilarious!!!! Way ta go!!!!!

Sandra

This is all kinds of crazy. Fun read though.
It felt like an episode of scooby doo.
There is little doubt you've got a lot to work on - but if this is a first time effort then don't be discouraged.

Amongst some of the problems that stuck out from the get go was Connor and Danny are trying to leave the castle...but the ghost that wants them to get out keeps stopping them!

Locations & Sets  -  EXT castle w/ heavy wood and iron door, INT castle hall, INT Trophy room, INT castle kitchen, INT banquet room, INT castle staircase, EXT overlooking castle moat
Actors  -  DANNY (20s), CONNOR (20s), voice for GHOST, SCOTTISH NOBLEMAN GHOST, banquet hall full of ghosts waltzing, FEMALE GHOST
Costumes  -   full regalia Scottish nobleman costume, period evening dress and gowns x 12
Props  -  large weighted bag, suits of armor x 4, candles and holders x 2, mirror, broadsword, stuffed reared bear, pots and pans, treasures in bag
Audio FX  -  thunder crashes, heavy footsteps, thunder rolls, windswept rain on windows, THUD!, heavy breathing, crashing of pots and pans, ghost scream, violin music
Visual FX  -  lightning flashes, rain, orb of light becomes ghost, ghost proclamation, gliding ghost, ghost floats through the door, ghost throwing pots and pans, ghost waltzers, female ghost turns into a skeleton, ghost rising through floor, bag opening by itself on command
Other  -  Horse drawn carriage, hose to rain on the windows, lights for lightning flashes, big fan for blowing open window, probably going to have to figure out a way to safely jump over the castle wall
Comments  -  Gotta capitalize character introductions. This is very Teen-Nick Nickelodeon good spirited and fun. Special effects and setting make it a budget buster for all but a large studio.

Quoted Text There is a rolling crash of thunder. During the thunder a voice is heard. GHOST LEAVE THIS PLACE , NOW!!!!

I took this advice. The formatting is all over the map. See all the above comments, they echo everything I have to say. Still, it was a nice effort. Better a  short script to work on your writing errors than a 120 page behemoth, I always say.,,,and since there's a chunk of white on p3, you have some work cut out for you (no pun intended)

Personally I felt the story needed a lot more depth, it was essentially two people being chased by a ghost in a big house, there wasn't any set up or suspense, it was almost a constant stream of action.  Who's the ghost? Who's home is it? Did they know it was haunted before they came?  I think it needed more backstory.

However, I did like the undead waltz.  To be chased by a single ghost only to run into a whole ballroom of them, it was a nice turn of events.  

There was a lively energy about this story.

Cheers

This is SO bad it's actually good. I nearly didn't make it past the first half-page but decided to plow through. I'm glad I did, it's enjoyable once the reader's expectations adjust.

This is like Scooby-Doo meets Be Kind, Rewind. Pure cheese but light on tongue-in-cheek, meant to be taken lightly and laughed at. I'd re-write the first page to establish this tone firmly in the reader's (and viewer's) mind. Every line is so on-the-nose it's painful but that's part of the charm here; whether intended or not it works.

It doesn't stand up to some of the other entries but I can see this getting made, preferably with cheap, silly special effects and terrible synthesizer/organ combo for music to really nail it.