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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  The Stone Within - OWC
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  Author    The Stone Within - OWC  (currently 4483 views)
dogglebe
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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While I enjoyed the setting and atmosphere of the story, I felt that the story came up short.  You open up at the funeral for the children but didn't explain what happened.  Mom had something to do with it, but I'd like to know what.

Two pet peeves of mine that I noticed here:


Quoted Text
A friar quietly recites a burial prayer in Latin.


This should be dialog, not description.

                    FRIAR
   In nomeni et Patri et filius et sancti etc. etc...

If you can't find the actual Latin (or whatever it is you want the characters to say) you should stick with (MOS) which means the characters are talking but we don't hear it.

and


Quoted Text
Obviously angered, Fabian pursues her.


How is this obvious?  Too many writers describe things this way and it's just wrong because we, the reader, don't know what's obvious.  Don't tell us that he's angry; show us!

I recently read a script (not from here) where the writer describes things as obviously six or eight times.  And it wasn't obvious.


Quoted Text
Bill took a big bite out of his sandwich.  He makes a face.  Obviously the ham wasn't honey-glazed like he wanted.


I made the above example up, but do you see what I mean, here.  Nothing is obvious.


Phil
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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No logline. Thatís not good. I almost didnít read it because of that.

First Petronaís pale face and cough betray a secret. Then her cough betrays her presence. Darn, that womanís cough betrays her a lot. Maybe change one of them.

Some of the other description gets a little too poetic.

Fabian tossed the goblet aside before going downstairs, yet Hector finds it in the catacombs.

How do we know pain surges through Hectorís head?

As an aside, this is probably the first horror story Iíve read where vertical caskets lining an alcove isnít foreshadowing the undead rising.

I liked it but, ultimately, I think there were too many unanswered questions. Some things just donít add up and the ending suffers some because of it.

Overall, itís a good effort.


Breanne


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greg
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I enjoyed this.  No logline, but I'm planning to read all of them so whatever.

The only thing is the involvement of the ghost, or lack of.  There's a voice...and Petrona's dead...but there's a missing connection there.  Even if this script wasn't for the OWC the voice would be confusing because it's just that - just a voice.  

As a script on its own I think you could lose the voice, add a few pages of more story and you'd have something solid here.  As it is right now it's still pretty good, so kudos to you.  I enjoyed the characters - I thought Hector and Fabian were quite good.  

Nice job.

Greg


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rc1107
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I'm not too big of a fan of this one.

It's not at all bad, it just didn't tug my strings for some reason.

There were too many questions left unanswered in this one.  How did Petrona kill the children?  That's a very big hiccup in the story.  It's stated she's too blame for the children's death in the beginning, then it's never referred to again.  Why is Fabian, the uncle, being such a bitch?  If it's true that Petrona killed the children, then I see why, but then, why is Hector so forgiving of her and doesn't even bring it up?

And why is there a scream down in the catacombs, if Petrona was sealing her ownself in?

This also reminds me of a short story I read years and years ago.  I can't remember the name or author off hand, though.  I think it was Poe's 'The Black Cat'.  It just reminded me of it because of the wife being sealed up in a wall.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think that this is quite well done. There are a few things I would work on.

The beginning needs to be reworked so that we can see more clearly what Petrona did that caused Fabian to hate her so much as to want to kill her.

I noticed wording like "kicking through the door". I would used "push" or "shove".

If you could isolate Fabian and Petrona together in a scene and then have Hector come in between the two, I think that would be more striking than having them just stand around a nameless grave.

Also, the fact that Petrona wants the two to make peace... this is excellent, but might be drawn into a more developed scene. Then, with a scene like that, the fact that Hector can't see through to make such peace would be a very strong point of story.

You know, yours is the very last script I've read for this OWC and so this one wraps it up. I feel like it's an especially nice script to end on. Why?

Because of Hector. I can really see him sealing himself up in that wall. It's completely gothic, the misery trapped within the stone. It's powerful stuff no matter what anyone ever wants to say of being done before. It is powerful.

Thank you. I enjoyed it.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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rdhay
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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This wasn't bad IMO, although showing Petrona pour the wines kinda took the bite out of the twist at the end for me (it'd probably work better if WE believed Fabian drugged Hector too). I'd like this better if you developed Petrona's emotions a bit more, showed more of her remorse, which wouldn't be hard if you show some of the backstory with the children.

Overall, good job, though I agree that the ghost wasn't what I expected for the challenge. With some tweaks, this could be really good
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irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2011, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Not a bad script...
Nice setting with the church, funeral, priest speaking in Latin....It had a Gothic feel to it.

And yes, quite a few unanswered questions, as it`s been pointed out in previous replies. Not much of ghost...The death of the children....

Also a few characters too many, that were not needed.

Overall kept me going til the end

Good Job getting a script out for the OWC


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Nomad
Posted: November 5th, 2011, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Thank you everyone for reading my script. This was my first OWC and I must take my hat off to those who wrote a quality script.  I literally submitted this at the last minute and I left a lot out of the story.  I apologize for leaving so many unanswered questions and vow to do better next time.  I know it takes time to read a script and I am very grateful to all of you who gave your time and commented.


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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