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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Mr. Time - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Mr. Time - OWC  (currently 4114 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr. Time by Mark Renshaw - Short - A student at Cornell University in New York carries out the world's most comprehensive online search for evidence of Time Travellers. She finds a positive match; on Twitter. 22 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 3rd, 2014, 5:20pm
revised draft
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Guest
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't really get into this.  Talking heads and Charlie Chaplin, especially, was kind of boring.


--Steve
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irish eyes
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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By page 2

MR. MCINTYRE  becomes MR. MCAINTYRE

Oh. What a minute, did you just say
you found one?... I guess you mean WAIT a minute

Page 4

Mr. Horaz (O.C) ??? why, firstly this means off camera and he is in the scene so it's not needed and as we write specs, it is better not refer to the camera, so O.S. is better.

Page 8
It's cool that mobile phones have service back in the 20's and obviously the use of MOBILE tells me this was wrote across the pond... back in the UK probably

Page 8 and 9 is a telephone conversation and if we don't see Tim then use (V.O) not (O.S)

finished

I enjoyed this, it had a nice little humor to it and it was fast paced. The first place I would look for a wormhole is under the sink too

Good job in entering and a nice story

Mark



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RJ
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the last few pages in this. I was glad that Lauren had lived a happy life and didn't need to be angry with him. I thought the twist with Tim was inventive too. Except for a few typos, etc, I also liked the beginning of this too.

The middle is where, for me, things fell apart a little. I thought Tim's whole approach to Lauren and time travelling was a little off. I didn't believe that he would just allow her to go so easily. And the whole phone thing did throw me off a little. IMO, it might have worked a little better if he said she couldn't go, yet she eagerly wants to, so she just jumps in and tries to sneak a peak of Charlie then take a picture on her phone, etc.

Good entry nonetheless. I really liked it.

Renee
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Last Fountain
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Funny. Inventive. An early fav. SPOILERS.

Early on I loved the decriptive action lines filled with humour. a few good jokes in the dialogue: "nope switched it to searching the internet", " inventing the wedgie", the tweet with jobs. Great comedy throughout . Even the idea of discovering time travel because of a tweet. Nice. The humour comes from Tim too. He's so casual and matter of fact in regards to time travel. "Yeah yeah its under the sink". So good. These aspects reminded me of the comedy and sci-fi blending of Dr. WHO and Joss Whedon.

The science. I liked your analogy of Mr Time. Time as a person correcting the diversions in the time line. Then you go poetic by the end and allude to time as god. She will meet him soon, and she's on her death bed of sorts. Tim is time's helper, so is he God's helper, like an angel?

The examples of mr time course correcting should be cutaways. Quick short examples. I think this style would work well with the comic feel. I like how mr time mentions the coin year as dictating where you arrive from the worm hole, the cell phone in the past is great. But like the idea of clothing of the era, no cell towers, didnt bother me. If this was a serious take, maybe.

I love how you travel to the past for love or happiness. She wants to meet her favourite actor. I like this more than killing hitler or preventing disaster. More relatable.

I also loved how while in the past you use modern dialogue like photobomb and spoiler alert. It makes her stand out. And reminds us she is like every other college student. Another good comment on society is when she is told to act like the time. She spews racist thoughts of the past, but in a funny way that doesn't over emphasize the commentary.

The ending got me. First the phone and the worm hole collapse. Then stuck in past. Then tim visiting her at the hospital. Then finding out she was the mother or wife of someone important to history. I also liked how you brought attention to the importance of family to great men and women. The background players contribute to history, more than we think. Then, then, the tim future stuff. Wow. I liked the slow incline of twists that each carried significant weight. Thanks for that. And I'm wondering who that historical figure was.

Great on every level. I really enjoyed this. Funny. Provocative. Emotional.


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nawazm11
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Well, a lot of problems from the get go. New York seems to be in the slug when it could matter less where this is set, a dash is needed before hallway. It's actually Principal but you spelt it wrong, even though I'm 99% sure American colleges don't have Principals but Presidents and deans instead. In fact, I don't think any country names the head of their university Principal. I have no clue why the guy was asking for some kind of assessment or report when he's not her teacher, which really makes no sense unless he's a lazy manipulative bastard threatening her to do his work. And this isn't including the fact that this is a very poor way to start the script, with a load of exposition and a 3 page scene slapped in your face. We haven't even gotten to know the characters yet.

How the hell doesn't she notice the cup she dropped? WTF! She even knew the guy was a time traveller from before!

Okay, uh, so two people come into his house and they disappear. And nobody bats an eye? If I were the police, I'd probably be checking his house...

Tim is an absolute psychopath, why the hell would he even admit that he's a time traveller? And then offer the random woman who rocked up to his house to try it?

Ah, the infamous Charlie Chaplin mobile phone scene, the problem there is that I'm also 99% sure that that was a man. Which kind of makes a paradox in itself since Mr. Time is an absolute nut if he doesn't know the footage of the mobile phone guy will still be there for future generations to see. Speaking of that, it's impossible for the phone to work.

And finished... Well, uh. I suppose it was fun but that's all I can really say. I don't want to write more without sounding like a dick but this needs work. Good luck!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Mr Time

The logline is intriguing, I'll be interested in seeing what this brings.

I wouldn't do detailed notes but as reminder, p4, better to says he pours coffee
P7 only need a mini slug - LATER etc
Grandma Lauren - are you saying this is an older Lauren - perhaps one to make clear

Ending is nice, the now old Lauren, mr horaz looking at an old photo. All time travel scripts have holes, I suppose this one asks why he can't go back to his family?

Some nice touches of humour like the missing plumbers. I wondered where they went when no one turns up.

I liked the use of modern technology.

As she went Back to see Charlie Chaplin it's shame there wasn't more of this included, unless I missed something, as it does feel a little superfluous

Otherwise nice job for the challenge.


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Forgive
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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I thought this worked out quite well in the end, and had an nice emotional touch to it.

I didn't see any major issues with the writing, bit wordy now and again, but that's partially personal preference.

On the story elements, I would have maybe liked t have seen a reference to Charlie Chaplin a little earlier - it feels a little random they way it is currently placed - maybe there could have been a picture of CC on McIntyre's wall and Lauren makes a reference to it there?

On p.3 you go straight from Lauren been told to follow this up to her (having followed it up) at Horaz's apartment. There just seems to be this cut, where really there should be either character development (she ignores what's said to her, but this is shown as part of her character), or she argues the case out, so it's more of a mini-dramatic element where her goal looks like it's going to be foiled.

Lauren occasionally comes across a little ditzy for a physics student, and I wasn't convinced a physics student would want to meet CC (without pre-referencing it).

I liked the way time was characterised, and give some personality - that was a nice touch, and also gave some boundaries to the possibilities.

Some obvious background thought has gone into this - so good on that.

Just a bit on the protag -- Lauren essentially fails in the end (previous to your mini-denouement in the hospital); and she makes a couple of mistakes in order for that to happen. She's not really been 'set-up' to fail, but she really should be: the primary opportunity here would be her ignoring McIntyre right at the beginning, but that has been cut out, where it could really be a key moment.

That aside, this was a good read with some nice touches.
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Forgive
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from nawazm11
I don't want to write more without sounding like a dick


Ooops! Too late...
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khamanna
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice job in my opinion.

I read a lot by now and have two favorites so far - yours is one of them. The other is Leaper.
I liked this because it kept my attention from the very beginning to the end.
Few actors, contained story, easy to understand - yet interesting... what's not to like.

I have a few reservations - I think it started as funny. Overly funny and I laughed outloud at moments actually. So I thought it was a comedy. THen it got incredibly serious and stopped being a comedy. I think you have to decide on a tone and keep to one.

And I didn't understand a bit of their talk in the end.Right after she said "Oh Tim I'm so sorry". and he says he used to think they were his fate. Sounds like Mrs. Time was Mr. Time and then she made him time keeper, something like that.

Anyway, very captivating read, thanks.
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marnieml
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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First page was good, I found Lauren and Mr. McIntyre likable but you lost me after that. The rest of that scene was just too much talking, a lot of it just way too informational. Same thing happened throughout this screenplay and not enough action in between dialog made it drag.

Your character descriptions are good, although a bit too wordy. I like this, " desperately needs a 21st Century makeover".

You start most of your action lines with the character's name. That gets really monotonous and stale. Scroll down pages 4, 5, 6, 7. It's Lauren does this, Tim does that and so on. Dull. Try to be more creative in your writing, even in a screenplay. Your action lines didn't engage me.

Page 8 we switch locations. Actions lines are overwritten, slowing things down. Lauren's dialog is annoying. I want to stop reading....

I finished but this was a tough read for me. I ended up not liking Lauren at all. I didn't find her intelligent, just annoying. As for Tim, I didn't buy he'd allow Lauren along so easily. That seemed forced.

I couldn't get into the story, probably because the pacing was way off. Too many pages filled with LOTS OF talking and information, not enough action. Without good structure, a story falls apart. You may start out strong but the hard part is to maintain that strength throughout.

Congrats on completing this OWC.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Absolutely horrendous opeing Slug.  If it's important that we're in Cornell or New York, you'll need a Super or go over it in dialogue.

Opening passage is poorly written...way too long and detailed.  4 lines to show Lauren running down a hallway?  Really?

Mr. McIntyre's intro is also poorly written and way too long and detailed.  Principle?  Huh?  At Cornell? No...

Poor writing throughout Page 1.  Orphans, unnecessary detail, random CAPS, just not a good start.

Page 2 - Mr. McIntyre's name changes here.  Not good at all...

Page 3 - the dialogue is so poorly done I think I'm out.  You say this is set in Cornell University, but the way these 2 speak, I'd think it's more like Cornell Middle School.

Sorry, but my interest is completely gone.  Congrats on entering a script in this tough OWC challenge.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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There are a few issues with the writing for sure, remember "is" isn't your friend when it comes to screenwriting but I want to look past that because deep down this one had a lot of heart going for it.

I did have issues with the story as well but the potential is there to make this one really stand out from the crowd.

Character wise - some nice elements, the baggy clothes and how this contradicts what she will wear back in 1928. But... and it's a big but, you really let this character down overall. What does Lauren achieve at the end, she has become a loving wife, mother and grandmother and it's really well done btw, the last few pages really did save this one. So taking that into account, what should she of been to start off with, well, someone who doesn't handle relationships well, and has no interest in kids to pursue a career -- I really think she should have been a reporter for shakes of the story.

Unfortunately, you really make her to be quite dizzy and that means the ending wasn't as good as it should have been - it was heartfelt for sure but it lacked because of the character you'd created.

I didn't care for the tone of this one either, again, it makes the ending seem rather out of place as it goes against the rest of the story. The reveal about Tim also was lost on me... I cared about Lauren and her issues but suddenly it's Tim's story - his role is a little lost on me.

The Charlie Chaplin side-plot is superfluous at the moment, try to tie it in somehow, I don't much about Chaplin, but I'm sure you could somehow find a way to show how his interaction with Lauren incorporates itself into his act -- possible the act that makes him a big star!

So, the story doesn't work at the moment but I think it has MASSIVE potential, and is well worth a rewrite. You know what, even with its flaws, this one is probably my favorite so far so good job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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AtholForsyth
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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"he desperately needs a 21st Century makeover"

Why tell us that ? show dont tell.


"Lauren brushes a curtain of hair over her head"

Too much

"The idea was simple really. Using
an algorithm of my own design I
carried out a search on all social
media for prescient mention of
information not previously
available."

Long winded


"TIM
Ah yes. I’m afraid you’ve got me
there. I’m a Time Traveller."

I think he comes clean to easy.


TIM (CONT’D)
Do you want to see my wormhole?

Hahaha best line so far.

One plumber lost and they send another , he gets lost ?
not believable,

I gave this one my best shot but I'm bored.......OUT
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EWall433
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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This sounded familiar somehow so I googled “charlie chaplin cellphone”.  I thought that was a neat event to try to pick out and play off of.

Writing worked well enough for me, but could use some tidying. Some of the asides seem redundant to me (“Whatever her filing system was…”).

Maybe it’s his character but McIntyre seems overbearing with his ‘I will not allow this’ attitude. He’s her teacher, not her mother. Why does he think he’s got some ownership over her actions?

She gets cell phone reception through a worm-hole? I guess it’s safe to say she doesn’t have Sprint  

This had some nice moments. There were some funny bits when she time jumped, and some tender moments towards the end. Taken together though, the tone seemed to be an odd mix. A little too serious in places for outright comedy, but a little too forced and silly in places to be effective drama. Overall a decent entry though. I enjoyed much of it.

Congrats on completing the challenge.
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