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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Second Chances - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Second Chances - OWC  (currently 4575 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Second Chances by Duston Bowcott - Short - A serial killer, sentenced to die, is visited by a messenger of God and offered redemption. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 30th, 2014, 8:38am
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Toby_E
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Chose this one for my second read because: A) Hadn't had a read yet, and; B) It featured the most intriguing logline/ concept.

Ok, we're off to a great start. Loved the opening page. This is my type of script: finding humour in life's darkest moments. If the rest of the script continues in this light, we might have ourselves a winner.

Bradley's sudden conversion to wanting a second chance came about a little too sudden for my liking. I'd have liked a little bit more back-and-forth before Bradley admitted he wanted this, given his initial bad-ass persona. But given the page limit place on entries, this wasn't too much of an issue.

Fuck me, we're entering some real twisted territory here!

Haha, real twisted indeed!

Not really sure why Brad's mum wants him to kill the family? I mean, I know Brad's mum says that they're guilty as well... but of what?

Page 8- Didn't like this line of Bradley's: "I...I donít know what to do." Thought the scene would have been better without that.

So Bradley's second chance is that he is going to heaven, not hell? Or have I totally misunderstood this? Haha.

Solid effort though. Enjoyed this one.


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AtholForsyth
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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'Priest flips open a Zippo and lights it fluidly. Bradley
leans in, incinerates the end of a cigarette.'

Seems a bit unnatural.

The bit where Bradley's mum comes into his room and starts grinding him just seems wierd.

Why would Bradley's mum strap him to the bed then let him out to go kill people?

Not for me this one sorry.
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Last Fountain
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Savage with some interesting ideas.

Quite an attention grabbing intro. And it continues to even more brutal territory. Definitely not for the weak of heart. I like the moment when the priest showed how savage he could be, in the jail cell. It was interesting to meet the serial killer then discover why he would do the things he did. Why he would kill young girls and such. I liked how you used time travel to demonstrate howa killer can become so evil. But since I'm a scifi nerd I wanted to see the time machine or learn about the technology.


When he travels back and changes his life I was disappointed to realize he was in a coma and is paralyzed. I was hoping for a second chance once I knew it was his mom's fault. But this isn't that type of deal is it. This is dark and savage. I also wish you told more about the survivors and their new lives.

The end confused me. Is he travelling again or just dead? Maybe it will come to me. I m sure that's what you wanted though. A mysterious twist ending.

Uneven. Brutally violent, but contemplative tale of nurture vs nature.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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marnieml
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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You start just about every action line with the characters name. Itís off putting and sooooo monotonous. EX: Page 3 Ė
Priest grabs/Bradleyís eyes/Bradley rubs/Bradley scowls/Bradley shakes/Priest flips/Bradley stares Ė This is just boring to read Iím sorry to say.

I like dark stories but not really feeling this one. Lots of dialog, lots of sex, violence, then the end was just exposition. Bradley was totally one dimensional. I had no emotion for him at all. I should have at least felt sorry for him at some point but I didnít. Didnít care that he died. It all felt too forced and the writing is just lifeless. Lean writing is good but there is such a thing as too lean.


††
ďIf someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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khamanna
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry I don't see time travel in here at all.

Just like Teen Bradley - you have some sick imagination.
I liked the twist but everyone and everything in your story is so filthy and sick... THe characters are revolting. I'd like them if they were interesting but revolting but they are not fun to read about. I don't see much about Bradley to root for him, so...
Not something I'd want to see on screen, sorry.

But it was a fast read. So I'd prefer this read to a few others.
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nawazm11
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Had a few problems with this one. The creepiness factor is more laughable than actually being creepy. So none of the other stuff comes across the way you want it to and instead, comes way over the top. A samurai sword made no sense and I'm not sure that this had time travel in it -- maybe some kind of memory swap instead.

The story just isn't paced well. A lot of chugging and stopping. Our main character isn't relatable at all, especially when you introduce him as a serial killer who kills women and children - and seems as if he shows no remorse. He may think otherwise but one line of dialogue isn't going to change my opinion. It's just not a good way to start a script. The mother feels like an afterthought and I don't like the fact that it wasn't Bradley's fault he kills the children. The blame should be on him and not because his mother was a bitch. But that's personal preference.

Needs work.
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Guest
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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LOL the scene where Brad "masturbates furiously" reminds of a scene from a draft (I forget which one) of Rob Zombie's Halloween.  

A lot of raunchy type of stuff going on... violence and sick shit.

It's good that it's there, because without it, Second Chances would probably be pretty boring.

Also, a plus for dialogue that doesn't consist of big blocks.

Didn't like it, didn't hate it.  But one of the better entries I suppose...


--Steve

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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As I go...

If Bradley is lying in bed, "furiously masterbating", how would we know he's tall?

Page 2 - If I were Priest, I sure as shit wouldn't be sitting on a bed right after some scumbag whacked off there.  You get me?

"Priest flips open a Zippo..." - way too long winded in this sentence.

Page 4 - interesting setup, and decently written and put together.  You nailed Bradley as a total scumbag and Priest as a toughass mystery figure.  Let's see where we go...

I say this again and again, but most just don't get it - Slugs can be your bestest buddy if you understand how you can use them to your advantage...and your reader's advantage.  Writing generic, bland Slugs like, INT. BEDROOM just don't cut it.  This is BRADLEY'S BEDROOM, or maybe GREENOUSE HOUSE - BRADLEY'S BEDROOM to be more exact.

Page 5 - the scene with "MOM" is troubling in a few ways. Just reading "Mom" as the character name fusking a "Customer" seems wierd...and wrong.  Also, if the Customer is on the bottom, as in on his back, when Mom runs him through with a convienently placed Samarai sword under the bed, of all things, how would we or anyone see it exit out his spine? What does that even mean?  I don't buy this happening, as anyone who is a killer like this, would eventually find themselves busted if they're killing in their own home.  Phoensa re used to set up these "dates" so I don't think she'd be offing them so violently, rigt in her own bed.

Page 6 - Getting a bit too over the top here and we're most likely in NC 17 territory already.  On Page 7, she's now "tugging at his flacid penis", which is highly unlikely something you can show onscreen.

I don't like naming this character, "Teen Bradley".  Doesn't sound good at all.

Page 9 - Now it's "Teen Bradly this and Teen Bradley that. Not reading well at all.

Customer's Wife with a claw hammer?  WTF?  If this were 15 pages long, I'd bale here, but with only 2 to go, I'll stay in and see how this wraps up.

And I'm glad I did!  Nice ending...sure didn't see that coming.  You wrapped it up very impressively.

BUT, there's no actual time travel here and as written, it's not something that could ever be produced - it's too graphic, too over the top, and doesn't have any characters that anyone would want to watch onscreen.

I appreciate what you tried to do here, but as written, it doesn't work, nor does it meet the challange guidelines.

Congrats on entering htis difficult oWC challenge.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DV44
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Great opening page, funny, yet disturbing. No mention or showing of time travel. Bradley appears to have a bad dream and believes to know how things will change for him in the future instead. The mother killing the customer with a Samurai sword was a bit out of left field as was her reasoning for why the customers family had to die. It's possible I missed something on that. Overall, a fun read. Maybe, I'm a bit twisted myself. lol.

The writing was good especially for 10 days. Really enjoyed the ending. Great job on that.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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Title and logline - all snappy

I've changed - from the man that was beating off in front of a preist! Hate to see him before.

Well that was lovely, heart warming..... Mind you it didn't change tone, we knew that from the first scene.

Actually I liked the last scene, the reward for goodness being the removal of a life sentence of coma, sickness etec rather than a gift, or monetary reward etc

Overall a little too heavy on the shock factor, it only needed one or two with the rest dealing with the consequences. I wasn't sure about the mother killing the customer in her home like that. Didn't seem realistic, if I knew what was realistic, or should I say persuasive.  I wasn't sure about why they are in the girls house and would she really say can I take by teddy?

A bad boy, given a second chance is a good start, just not sure this worked for me. If there was a predatory element to the mother I feel this should have been on the road, rather than in the home. Also the sexual relationship between mother and son could have been handled in a creepy, under current style, which would have had more affect. We would then understood the weird relationship and the distorting consequences.

I'm no expert but from what I know killers do come from weird homes, but not necessarily from killers homes.

I'll give you this - it stands out.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Great beginning and end, the middle didnít work for me.

I loved the interaction between Priest and Bradley but nothing in that scene shows that Bradley has Ďchangedí. Still it was good, kept me interested.

The whole MOM thing is really OTT. She kills a guy with a samurai sword after sheís had sex with him simply because he wouldnít give her a tip? If she was going to kill and rob him, she could have done that before the sex, even before she got him in the house. Now she has gallons of blood and a body to clear up from her own bedroom.

I know you make out she's mental but that type of mental would have been caught and locked up many years ago with her zero control over her psychosis.

Itís not the shock factor that bothers me, itís the fact that you are trying to make out Bradley is who he is because of his psychotic mother, but that amount of abuse would have had serious mental damage on Bradley and no Ďchange of heartí would happen nor a second chance would change that; it would take many years of therapy. I just didnít buy it.

But the ending is great. I really like the idea that heís saved his soul rather than some cutesy ending where he gets to live his life happy ever after.

Well done on a solid entry overall and for completing this OWC.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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wonkavite
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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This one had moments.  I liked the general concept and the story.  The tough Priest intro was cool.  As was the unique time travel concept and the general theme of redemption.

Yeah, there were a few orphans scattered about.  And teen Bradley's "Mommy" situation was far too over the top for me.  I know you're purposely going for a psychological sick sitution in order to explain what turned Bradley into the killer he is...but it felt cliche and exaggerated for me.  Right on the *edge* of gross for grossness sake.  (As was the masturbation bit - although it did in fact fit the character.)

Nice ending.  One suggestion - the transition from present day to the past needed more of an explanation.  Have the Priest grab Bradley's wrist, followed by a flash...or *something*.  Anything to denote the jump in time.  Because otherwise, it definitely wouldn't work onscreen.

Cheers and best on this one -

--Janet (W)
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not the writer, but IMO, some may be missing something here that just came to me, as I read the feedback.

IMO, Priest ain't no Priest.  More likely, Mr. Evil himself.

I think there's a line in here near the end where Priest laughs and says the dude's mom would see him in Hell...and where do you think he's going when he pulls the plug?

Ha?  Possible?  You get me?  Not sure, but this one made me think and that's always a good sign.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Ok Rod Serling (Twilight Zone creator) and a native of Upstate New York

Wow! this is a beautiful love story.

Grown up son masterbates in front of priest
Mom fucks man
Mom kills man
Mom unstraps son
Mom fucks son
Mom gets son to kill man's family
Son refuses, gets Brain damage
Priest puts son to sleep for all his help

Just beautiful  

Mark


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