Hello.

I think you could easily cut one page of the first 4. It's a bit tale like. Maybe Shaw's dead should be more dramatic. It starts as a romantic pirate story with a secret treasure and all that, but they are soldiers in that moment and a comrade is dying in their arms. Feels too hybrid in case of the genre by now, but interesting on the other side.

I don't like the next scene. They repeat what happened before and talk about a third person which is gone a second ago who has said exactly all those things. Another setting and another situation, where they both could decide to search the gold and take their decision "subtle", could help. It's like they go out of the tent and say: Let's go to the lagoon. But you know what the old man said.... - explanations and repeats of the tale and mystic and high tide etc....

A shiver
ripples through his body though its a fairly warm day.

Soldiers don't feel cold for the rest of their lives. War made them resistant. Shivering is a defensive reaction they lost; they had too many life and death situations and experienced coldness for a long time- especially in such a disaster as the civil war. Cold water is a rational experience they can easily classify. Their musculature would reflect: it's too cold I'll die so I won't do it- or they will do their task. Just an example that you should know them better.

"Lets just find this fucking
gold and get on the road home."

Very optimistic

The shark holds the old man, shakes him. Not violently,
almost...tenderly.

The action of Bush against the white shark and the dialogue between the guys after that attack is not well balanced. It reads like a fatal injury, but in your vision the shark can play with Bush in his jaw. Concerning the whole turn: If you go for ridiculous, humorous stuff from this point on, it's not good enough for my taste.

Your screenplay is too much a hybrid of soldiers, pirates, sharks and finally comedy.

The theoretical try of mixing a lot of themes isn't bad. You explain too much via dialogue and it's not funny enough in the ending to say, well, this chaotic concept was successful.

Right off the bat I like the setting. This challenge has a pretty good spread on that.

Not to start a format flame war   but the use of underscore was jarring. Reminded me of Mad Libs. I was tempted to fill in the blank.

Pg. 3 I hate it when dying characters can’t just cut to the point. Surely he could say, “Shark...big…shark”

This Bush guy’s pretty talkative. It seems a shame to have him die so quickly after stepping onto the scene. He’s your exposition and your shark attack victim, but he’s not much else. This is another one that I think could’ve benefited from getting to the crazy ole shark keeper earlier. We would get to see what he does rather than hear him explain it.

I do like that this is another Jaws prequel. A curse actually makes sense considering all the sequels.

Congrats on completing the OWC

what I like:

Hunt for treasure...a quest...I dig it.

what needs work:

It's a shark story...no sign of ocean until later.

Could use conflict between characters to spice up. There is zero conflict until the end.

A man whose body is within the jaws of a shark will not talk so much as this guy does.

Why would people at home not recognize them after only 4 years?

Maybe tell us why the lagoon is sacred.

Different approach. Union soldiers seek treasure.

Nice foreshadowing from the deathbed, something dangerous protects lagoon. Builds tension for when they arrive. I like how you add another element of danger. They're being hunted by some madman in the woods. Consider removing dialogue about crazies out there. Leave it suggestive with the stalking POV.

I liked the characters here. And their squabble about who's the better swimmer. The reveal of madman's motive was disappointing. Another crazy guy making offerings. For me, it didn't mesh tonally. Keep the historic approach. Maybe he's just blood crazed from war. He likes to watch bodies get torn up by the vicious shark. Simple insanity. Just an idea.

He coukd still curse their lineage. I really loved that homage to Jaws. The curse doesn't need to be real, per say. Legends would keep it alive. Really, this crazy shark breeds other crazy sharks. I loved the following dialogue... crazy as a cut snake." Great saying, great flavour. And another homage, this one the best of this particular reference... need a bigger horse. Hahaha.

Good prequel to Jaws. Good setting. Intriguing set-up. Good dialogue. I wish shark attacked more. And more obstacles for soldiers to acquire treasure. Good entry as a whole.

Pretty good, writer. Especially for a weeks time. I'm a sucker for treasure hunting stories and I felt you handled this one very well. Part of me would have loved to see the two guys struggle with recovering the gold. The shark could have been more of a factor than just a pop up at the end killing Bush. All in all, a worthy effort and a very entertaining story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

23. The Lagoon - Two Union soldiers hunt for hidden gold at the end of the Civil War.
Brief - Origins story of Union soldiers who retrieve gold treasure that curses the town of Amity.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
O’Donahue, Peters, Shaw, Bush
Scenes to Build  - 5/4
US Civil War tent INT, Union camp, forest, lagoon + cliff,
Accessory Visual - 22/20
Satchel + open, canvas map, horses walking, POV shotgun sights, crazed eyes, climb down, shirts off, water ripple, bare + bleeding feet on cliff rocks, shark fin, pair swimming w box, spit tobacco, blood in water, shark pull into water, big blood stain in water, ax, box, gold
Accessory Audio - 7
Military camp din, horses walking, forest sounds, tobacco spit, water part + splashes, big splash, bubbles

Genre & Marketability - Adventure drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  Use “--”, not “_” to denote an interruption of dialog. Dialog seems a bit wonky. Classic cliché death of Shaw. For economy’s sake I’d condense the Union Camp and Forest scene together + ditch the horses. Nice “bigger horse” statement. Oh, and a nice origins creation. Very nice.
Final word - Pass. Although I really like the origins idea this execution is clunky and I have no sensible quick fixes for it. Sorry.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 10.5          Screenplay Pages
= 105/158     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Takes 5 pages to get to the point. That's bad in an 11-page short. To be honest, I haven't actually read it all. I skipped once I saw all the dialogue... and it didn't grab me from the beginning.

It has a shark attack. well late into the script, but it's there. I got so bored I almost missed it. Too inactive for me.

Interesting idea out the gate here. I think the dialogue between Shaw and the boys could've been shortened a bit. I like that you have created some emotion though in the first part of this story. I have to think even though Shaw gave them the map...it may've been cool to see them find it on him ...and his last words were to try to warn them or stop them before he died.

But men and their treasures. "Its the least we can do in the old man's memory." I'm not sure this is why they'd be after the treasure. People thought, can't resist knowing a treasure is somewhere without going after it(no matter what the danger).

At the ocean end? Being nit picky, but didn't you say a river ran into it earlier?

Cute little mention of Amity at the end. I liked this story. It needs a bit of work like all the others but it was good overall. Good job.

I liked your concept. Two soldiers on a search for treasure. Dialogue wasn’t half bad. The story started off a bit slow. Picked up half way then slowed down toward the end. Would've like to known more about that curse.

So the shark has Bush in his jaws..(almost tenderly) and Bush is just casually ok about it. Saying his last words to the two soldiers.. Ehh… I don’t see a great white biting down tenderly.

Were gonna need a bigger horse…. Nice one

I liked your story, writing was pretty good. Unfortunately the shark only makes a brief appearance toward the end. Felt like you could have done more with that.

Overall. Nice job

Best of luck