This was a decent entry. The best was that you really get a feel for Trent's character. He's very intense and his feelings are pretty palpable. Always important in a screenplay but if you can accomplish it in a short, all the better. The ending seemed a little strange. The romance was kept quite on the down-low, if evidenced at all. I'm not sure all that happens would lead up to such a conclusion. The humor also seems nonexistent. Overall, a pretty good script as is. A story about a pretty serious and dedicated musician. Within the confines of the OWC, it's not as strong but still quite good.

Sorry, but I just didn't get much from this.  Didn't see much of a story, no romantic comedy, little humor, and...well, just not much of anything.

The writing is so tight and sparse, that it's hard to get much of a feel here.  Guess it's just not my style.  There are a bunch of issues, but I'm not going to go into detail here.  Many of the run-ons didn't work for me, nor did the missing punctuation.

The lyrics were not well integrated at all, and the way you chose to write them out didn't work for me at all.

Looks like I'm in the minority here, as most seem to really like this.  Wish I could join the group and play, but it just didn't do anything for me at all, and after 10 minutes of reading it, I already have forgotten the characters, the story, and...pretty much everything.

Sorry.

I seem to be developing a habit of following Dreamscale around and then saying the same thing!

I too didn't really get this one. It felt slow and cumbersome to me and I was struggling to find a thread to follow. It wasn't till the end that my interest began with the "Jerry Maguire" moment.

Writers prevaricate a lot about writing and so that idea tends to come up a lot in fiction. The problem with it is that someone trying to get over a mental block can result in them sitting around doing nothing a lot. That was a problem here. Just lying down and trying to think isn't terribly exciting cinematically.

An easy read, bright and breezy, which while not actually funny, has a light, pleasant tone. But I had a number of problems with it, mostly with regard to clarifying what was going on.

We meet Mr Williams, clearly a douchebag, okay, that's important. Then Trent passes Ellie in the passage and she hears his brand-new tune and hums it. Why doesn't she stop and say Gee that's a nice tune. She's supposed to be his muse, according to the logline, but she is never shown inspiring him. Presumably she's been his boss for four years but he's meant nothing to her until she hears the tune. To motivate this, you need to establish that she loves music and/or musicians, then build on it by her showing an interest by asking to hear more. It also helps build the relationship.

I'd like a sense of escalation in their relationship. Their next meeting is a company picnic where he's mostly fast asleep, and their next, she fires him, then she finally throws herself at him in the parking lot. It's very jumpy. I think we need more of a build up.

Presumably the purpose of the picnic is to show she has no one in her life. I think there are better and shorter ways to do it, maybe just a snide comment from a colleague at work like the horrible Mr Williams.

When she fires Trent she needs to be much more apologetic, particularly if she likes him. Maybe show Mr Williams ordering her to fire Trent, then her telling Trent I hate to do this, but I have to... blah blah. Then it gives the two of them a common enemy in Mr Williams and motivates their joining forces at the end.

Couple of other points. Give Ellie a title, Deputy Sales Manager or something. It's hard to figure out her position in the company since Williams treats her like dirt but she's senior enough to fire Trent. And I couldn't make the lyrics fit the tune or the story, but maybe that's just me.

Cindy!!!!!

Busted, finally gotten to this piece. Amazed by your writing skills again. But, not by your story. Obviously you needed some more pages to flesh this out a bit. Couldn't feel any romance between Trent and Ellie, though i did like them as characters....

i know, impossible task for 12 pages... mine suffered greatly also.

I think their are a few unnecessary scenes in here. Could've been cropped down to give you more time to build on the story. i know it rushes it, but it was the reuiqrement to get drama, comdey, and romance in there IMO.

Then again... my opinion can be of great debate.

I thought the poem was great... Maybe too long for that 56 second piece we're working with? Didn't listen at the same time. I'm sure you did. Could have been incorporated into the script better though...

All in all, your dialogue was great. Descriptions fantastic. Just wasn't a good story...

Did love the plant smashing and twist at the end...  kudos on that..

Just realized i haven't sworn yet in this review....

Nice fuckin' entry....        james

Dammit, I know now... i was duped... Sorry, not Cindy

I'm just happy to be confused for Cindy.