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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I really enjoyed the writing in this one, but didn't care too much for the story. I'm not sure I understood the purpose of the flashbacks. I read the script twice to see if I was missing something, and I still don't feel like I understood 1) why El Cuito shot Manny (and what he meant by "Don't act like you didn't know") and 2) how this fits the ULOWC because I'm not clearly seeing the urban legend here. Is there one?
I suggest you fight the urge to include details not needed for the story.
A mariachi band plays a festive song. Thereís a hitman! (do not say he has a gun Ė heís a hitman!) The make and model of the gangster car isnít important. Is the scene with the five year old needed? And his large family! Armed and dangerous doesnít tell us anything new.
I like your eye for detail and your voice on the page is pretty decent.
Sorry to say, I didn't have a clue what urban legend this might be about. This script feels execution dependent all the way. Meaning, it's merit lies in how well a production crew can bring it to life.
There's not enough of a story here to keep me engaged. Your sense of style and detail pulled me through the pages though.
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I liked your writing style. What software do you use? I always wanted dark font like that, but my Final Draft doesn't do that.
Anyway, like I said, I enjoyed your style of writing, but for me the story fell a little flat. Really liked how it started out, but then I got confused over the tract housing. Tract housing to me is very low end housing, but you have people in cocktail dress attire, a gate with guards...
So we know why El Cuito is what he is. It's due to how he grew up. That's fine, but I think part of the reason the story didn't work for me was that there was not much interaction between him and Manny. That would have enriched the story if we new why Manny. Especially since killing him would obviously draw cops and then he risks his own life. I think we need to know what about Manny or the people he works for were so important that El Cuito was willing to take that risk. Does that make sense or did I just muddle things up?
Pia - I use Final Draft. Michael - As for gang members driving with lights out, doesn't that accentuate their carless disregard for anything safe and sane?
I appreciate all the comments. Glad you like the style, voice, etc. Maybe I'm a little too heavy on detail, only to intensify the scene. e.g. the car descritption, scenes, narrative. It's important to me to convey a sense of predatory subtext with the visuals - the car, his image, the neighborhood and so on.
I suppose when it comes to actually going to screen, in the interests of cost effectiveness, some of this might have to be sacrificed, such as another gangster car, rather than the one I specify in the script.
I'm sorry the flashback doesn't work for many of you. The deal here was to show how Javiers character developed his mean streak, as opposed to other impoverished, abused kids who don't grow up to become hit men. This shows how he does.
But I'm thinking now of adding some pages at the front to develop the hit on Manny, e.g. he's holding out on the cartel and El Cuito is assigned to take him out. Might be good for short competitions. Feedback welcome. Specific fests/contests named would be helpful, too.
I actually really liked how descriptive this was. It made it easy to visualize scenes. You describe things that can be shown, rather than internal thoughts and feelings. It worked for me.
My biggest problem was that I was looking for an urban legend in here. Waist the gangsters driving with their headlights off and killing anone who flashed them one? If that was the case, he didn't really get flashed or anything.
The flashback wasn't really necessary in my opinion. The real question was why did he kill Manny, ot why did he become a gangster.
Even with those issues, your descriptions made reading this very enjoyable. Good luck!
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