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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  ›  The Enforcer - ULOWC
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Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Enforcer by Mark Dunn (currentcmine) - Short, Horror - A drug cartel enforcer goes ona rampage of murder and mayhem. - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark

Not sure i have read your work before so here goes.

Music - quite a lot of description, not sure it all adds

Sorry but where is PACOIMA?

Gangster car - do we need to know who's?

BACK TO SCENE, then, DRIVER - seems like there is a fair amount of scene direction, many want to be careful on this.

MUSIC STOPS - this often happens in films but i don't know why

MANNY REYES - age is usually in numbers, e.g. 30 or 45

if the scene follows into different location i understand you can use a mini slug rather than a full title.

Hit man, with gun - not sure the gun part is needed

Page 5 - i think some of the headings need a time, night as the master heading wasn't continuous

Page 7 - i don't think you need to capitalise some of the words. You can but i think this should be limited otherwise it is a bit over kill

Flashbacks?? we're in the middle of a car chase and then suddenly thrown into two different time periods? not sure. why?

Page nine - guns disappear from the back seat - i wasn't sure what this meant

Finished. What was the myth?

Story. A hired gun undertakes a kill and runs, only to be tracked down. I think it needs more. Who wanted the kill, why, what was the consequence etc

all the best.







My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Sham
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

I really enjoyed the writing in this one, but didn't care too much for the story. I'm not sure I understood the purpose of the flashbacks. I read the script twice to see if I was missing something, and I still don't feel like I understood 1) why El Cuito shot Manny (and what he meant by "Don't act like you didn't know") and 2) how this fits the ULOWC because I'm not clearly seeing the urban legend here. Is there one?

Best,

Chris


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grademan
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

I liked this.

Rampage. Mayhem. Rock and roll.

I noticed you pay attention to details. I do too.

I suggest you fight the urge to include details not needed for the story.

For example:

A mariachi band plays a festive song.
Thereís a hitman! (do not say he has a gun Ė heís a hitman!)
The make and model of the gangster car isnít important.
Is the scene with the five year old needed? And his large family!
Armed and dangerous doesnít tell us anything new.

Give it a try.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Googled Pacoima...is a district in the  San Fernando Valley region of the city of Los Angeles. Learn something new everyday

I didn't get when the gangster car pulled off the freeway...for a phone charger??? Even though he was ahead of the cop in pursuit, I can't see that happening.

I was getting into this one, until the flashbacks...I dont' think they were needed really. The writing was good but the story was 'ok' for me.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

This was certainly different to others Iíve read on this legends thread, we had guns, car chases and even a naked woman thrown in for good measure.

I liked it and I think you have written it well overall but I didnít understand the legend?

The flashbacks were unnecessary and took us away from the action. Also like Pale said, why did he stop for a phone charger? Was he actually waiting in line with an assault rifle?

Good effort.

Steve
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Thanks for playing OWC.

I like your eye for detail and your voice on the page is pretty decent.

Sorry to say, I didn't have a clue what urban legend this might be about.
This script feels execution dependent all the way.
Meaning, it's merit lies in how well a production crew can bring it to life.

There's not enough of a story here to keep me engaged.
Your sense of style and detail pulled me through the pages though.

Regards,
E.D.


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mcornetto
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

You definitely have a bit of a voice going on there.   I have no clue what urban myth this is about but you told it with Shazam.

I didn't have any problem with the mention of music but like others have said there are a few readability issues with this screenplay.  I would listen to what they have to say about that.

I think the confusing part about the flashback was that El Cuito was Javier. Right?  If so it wasn't clear enough and you need to find a way to make it clearer.

Good work for an unexpected OWC.  
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currentcmine
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Murdering madmen. From Snopes.com/horror. Check it out.
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mcornetto
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Gang members drive with their lights out?
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark.

I liked your writing style. What software do you use? I always wanted dark font like that, but my Final Draft doesn't do that.  

Anyway, like I said, I enjoyed your style of writing, but for me the story fell a little flat. Really liked how it started out, but then I got confused over the tract housing. Tract housing to me is very low end housing, but you have people in cocktail dress attire, a gate with guards...

So we know why El Cuito is what he is. It's due to how he grew up. That's fine, but I think part of the reason the story didn't work for me was that there was not much interaction between him and Manny. That would have enriched the story if we new why Manny. Especially since killing him would obviously draw cops and then he risks his own life. I think we need to know what about Manny or the people he works for were so important that El Cuito was willing to take that risk. Does that make sense or did I just muddle things up?

All in all, great work!  


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SS, is still free...
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currentcmine
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Pia -  I use Final Draft. Michael - As for gang members driving with lights out, doesn't that accentuate their carless disregard for anything safe and sane?

I appreciate all the comments. Glad you like the style, voice, etc. Maybe I'm a little too heavy on detail, only to intensify the scene. e.g. the car descritption, scenes, narrative. It's important to me to convey a sense of predatory subtext with the visuals - the car, his image, the neighborhood and so on.

I suppose when it comes to actually going to screen, in the interests of cost effectiveness, some of this might have to be sacrificed, such as another gangster car, rather than the one I specify in the script.

I'm sorry the flashback doesn't work for many of you. The deal here was to show how Javiers character developed his mean streak, as opposed to other impoverished, abused kids who don't grow up to become hit men. This shows how he does.

But I'm thinking now of adding some pages at the front to develop the hit on Manny, e.g. he's holding out on the cartel and El Cuito is assigned to take him out.
Might be good for short competitions. Feedback welcome. Specific fests/contests named would be helpful, too.  

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currentcmine  -  January 6th, 2012, 1:34pm
left out some replies
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Felipe
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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I actually really liked how descriptive this was. It made it easy to visualize scenes. You describe things that can be shown, rather than internal thoughts and feelings. It worked for me.

My biggest problem was that I was looking for an urban legend in here. Waist the gangsters driving with their headlights off and killing anone who flashed them one? If that was the case, he didn't really get flashed or anything.

The flashback wasn't really necessary in my opinion. The real question was why did he kill Manny, ot why did he become a gangster.

Even with those issues, your descriptions made reading this very enjoyable. Good luck!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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