I thought this was decent. I had some issues with the business/public sides as well. Very awkward description of the geography. I also thought the man and bar-hand were completely ancillary characters that could've been done away with entirely. Would've made things a lot simpler.

I think the general concept wasn't bad. A good interpretation of the "modern" angle. Using a phone and car keys for spells was strange though. It took me a while to wrap my head around that. Still, I got it.

It did get needlessly violent at the end though. I mean, the way things were going, it didn't seem Hecate, clearly the antagonist, was going to pull something that petty and nasty. He and his posse seemed to be enjoying an honest challenge up until then.

The one thing that really didn't work for me was the dialogue. I can't really say what was wrong with it other than it didn't sound natural. It was weird. I don't know if everyone sounds really dated or overly eloquent or what but something about it doesn't sound right. I had no idea what Hecate was talking about when he came in for example. It seems like he was supposed to come off as really menacing later on but usually, he was just awkward.

Also, what was up with all the hush hush business? "Please boys, this is a local bar. Keep it down." I get that maybe there's not a lot of people there but since when our people supposed to keep it down in a liquor-serving establishment? Doesn't make sense.

The ending was okay. This is the second script I've read thus far where a witch/warlock has pulled out a gun. I don't think the buildup worked quite as well here.

Anyway, okay, I suppose.

How spaghetti western of you at the end.  For me, this was unbalanced in a few areas.  Most notibly the character intros and the dialogue moving toward the end.

An awkward way to write business side public side of the bar.  It works to some degree, but the way it is presented is jumbled.  There is some well paced action and the dialogue sometimes hits the marks, but a lot of this tapers into banter.  It's a good idea to put two different types in competition with each other and it drives up the conflict nicely.  I guess it sometimes stayed in one place too long.

Sara's head exploding made me chuckle as well as the friends.  I thought the ending was good, seemed well timed, but it may have been better if most of the dialogue was on Hecate's end during their exchanges.

Good story & I enjoyed the conflict through competition.

Johnny

I enjoyed this bar scene. I always enjoy the wise old folks getting one up on the young and arrogant.

I thought the overall structure and dialog worked, but the shooting left me a bit wanting however. Perhaps the intention there was to have that Indiana Jones type humor to it - when he just shoots the guy making a big show of wielding his long sword? That part just didn't work for me though, because even though guns may be better than swords, I don't think anyone really thinks guns are better than magic. But overall, well done.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

18. Times Are Changing by Eleven - Horror - Old and new witches have different ways of doing things.
Brief - Old and young warlocks have a spell fight in a public bar

Location(s)  - Bar
Cast - 8
Protagonist(s)  -
SALEM, 58, old and worn out  
SARA, 31, an attractive woman
Antagonist(s)  -
MAN, 43
WOMAN,43
BARTENDER, 40,
HECATE, 22, youthful and good looking
FRIENDS 3X
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Action. This is great for feature quality production, but unaffordable for a short.
Comments  -  Don't bold the title on the title page. Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. Okay, pg1 and you've already got five actors I gotta pay. Better use them wisely. Nine by pg2, (Groan). Exploding car = $$$$. And these are classic warlocks in modern times, not modern warlocks = fail. A dozen cast requirements and exploding cars and people running around burning are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Good use of a single location though. Two thumbs up! If I was looking to distribute a classic witch in modern times, with some casting paring and SFX consideration I'd be interested in this premise.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Criteria fail + too expensive.

$10,000 - $20,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.1               Screenplay Pages
= $1,235 - 2,469     Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope. Classic warlocks in modern setting
Horror - More supernatural than horror