This is actually a bump. I can't believe only 14 people have read it. I liked it. It's well worth the read. Take a peek guys/gals. And no, it's not my script. I have no idea who wrote it.

Some interesting ideas in this one. I thought it could be tightened up in parts and needs a bit more tension.
The plot was one of the more original ones I've read. The pages went fast and dialogue was pretty good on the whole.

Pseudonym rules. I see what you did there.

Anyway, I said I wouldn't bother with the writing, format, and what not on these last couple scripts but you can lose the colons on the characters' names. They're not necessary. Also, WTF does 25 going on 10 mean?

Anyway, I liked this one. The image feels a little redundant after reading so many scripts with pentagrams, candles, and goth iconography but that's obviously not the writer's fault. I liked the family dynamics. Having written a feature based on similar ideas, I thought they were well illustrated here. I got a sense of everyone pretty quickly.

I liked the way the video chat was used and the screen capture seemed like the only time a computer was used to do something supernatural in one of these scripts that didn't feel like a complete stretch. The demon was cool. I've seen similar ones in the previous scripts but they've all worked similarly. I didn't like the description "hoofed foot" though. You could've just said hoof or hooves or whatever.

I liked the ending as well. I thought having everything happen whilst Lily was underwater was a nice touch. The muted atmosphere actually made it all come off more sinister.

I'm sure there're some gripes but I can't think of any at the moment. It's almost 3AM and scripts can always be better than they are somehow. Take a look at the other comments and try to apply what they said. For now, I'm pretty pleased with this one.

It's apparent that the writer here knows grammar and sentence structure.  Odd formatting choices kept me scratching my head, because I feel the writer here knows it, due to the outstanding writing and screenplay logic.  But I could be wrong.

Character descriptions were my least favorite part about this, but I have my own tastes.  It's simple, yet overwhelming to grasp.

I did enjoy the entire sequence where the beast showed up and took Irwin.  In fact, Cernunnos was the only character description that I thought was spot on in every way.

Good job & effort!

Johnny

This had it's good parts and bad. I'm kind of up in the air on it though. As I said I liked parts of this like, probably more so from the middle on, but other parts felt like they needed more of a backstory to go along with it - as someone else has pointed out - Lily's motives didn't feel properly explained. And how did the boyfriend tie into it? (he seemed like a nice guy too). But I guess a few more pages would have allowed for a bit more information.

All in all - good effort.

Renee

I think this one is well writen, a "fast read" I think its called. Well done on that.

The dialogue felt natural, it flowed well.

The story itself is pretty straight forward (revenge theme) and meets the challange IMO. Online spell casting is pretty modern and the climax, violent without being totally gruesome.

Overall good job!

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Immersion

Hello!

I enjoyed the script.

It was a little bit erratic, but in an interesting way. I first saw Lilly get out of her role.  She gives away the white cloth, because it's bad- she wants to have the dangerous spelling book; the complete opposite. But in act 3 I realized the whole second act was a very good hidden flashback. Good executed. Here the flashback is used really effective.
Maybe you can remove one of the characters.
How does the laptop appear suddenly? Whatever. I must have read over that. The script was just too clear and harmonic in every way.

Cool stuff you brought to the screen in one week...

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

35. Immersion by Three Point One Four - Horror - Looking to escape her troubled home life, Lily seeks protection from a dark source.
Brief - Teen uses witchcraft to protect her from the evil (Christian) people around her

Location(s)  - Residential swimming pool, House interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
LILY, 15, blond hair and fair featured
Antagonist(s)  -
PASTOR QUINN, a heavyset man in his 50s
MARY, 25, tall, lanky, and a perpetual frowner
JANIS, every bit of 40
IRWIN, 30s, a shirtless and tattooed
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. With some re-work this could be salvaged into a  good, marketable story.
Comments  -  Don't put colons after your characters. Pg4 and you got five full actors to pay. This story's hanging in there, make them earn their keep and don't drop the ball. I appreciate that this at least looks like you did some homework on modern witchcraft. Aw, d@mn. Pg6:
CERNUNNOS, ageless, a horned beast with the form of a man,
comes into view. It glides forward, then sinks out of sight.
You just went classic witch = fail. I'll keep on a few more pages and see if you pull this one out of a tailspin, maybe salvage something. I like the potential. (At least it's horror! Ha!) Alright I finished it. Not bad for a Judeo-Christian witch story - not what I'm looking for, though. Good use of setting, could probably pare out Mary's role and just keep this cast down to four with the Pastor Quinn actor playing double duty as Cernunnos, three if Irwin becomes just a text response. Now, we can salvage this J-C witch story by making Cernunnos' appearance more of a spirit that "affects" Irwin and Pastor Quinn, but then we kinda loose the whole horror aspect. Hmm... what to do what to do. Good premise though. And one of the very few stories where the witch is the NOT the antagonist!
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but require intricate rewrite to make usable.

$500 - 1,000           Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.4               Screenplay Pages
= $53 - 106           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope, but could be reworked to accommodate
Horror - The rewrite threatens to remove the horror part