Heart attacks

Logline - it's ok, makes you think about what to comes

You CAP heavy breathing but not Ivan?
Could do with ages of of the detective etc

To be honest I just read and didnt make notes - lots of issues did jump

It reminded me in some way of an 1930's detective story, the lone detective, the fight against evil.

The writing needs some work but I applaud your effort, trying to interweave a murder mystery into a witch story. Needs some depth, but not a bad first effort.

This one started out with some intriguing dialogue from Hunter.  It grabbed my attention.

The mystery was there too and kept me reading, but was there a payoff?  I was expecting Hunter would be the next victim forced to commit suicide.  The scenes with Shelby weren't as convincing, although I did like that snippet toward the end while she was in the kitchen.

There were a few grammar and spacing errors in this too.

Overall, the ending didn't take charge but instead just revealed what I already knew.  Solid effort and you kept my mind engaged until the end.

Johnny

The story flowed nicely.

It's needs some steak on the bone though. For lack of a better way to explain--

It just felt thin.

Backstory would help here.

Make us more invested somehow in what's going on. Thechnically, the script is solid.

Def one of the better formatted stories here.

I think I know the style as well of the writer. I won't say howver but I can say i've enjoyed his work in the past.

Overall, IMO , one of the better stories I've read so far.

Good job!

Shawn.....><

I'll lay off the writing on this one. After two dozen of these suckers, I'm starting to get burnt out. Fortunately, Jeff's left you a most substantial rundown in regards to those issues. I'd take note of his comments.

Anyway, I thought the concept was decent enough. Eating hearts never gets old. Cool gore and some decent suspense what with maniacal laughter and a murderer in the shadows. You build up some reasonably good mystery/spookiness surrounding Shelby's grandmother as well.

Still, I think the whole detective angle overcomplicates it. The whole script basically feels like a bunch of scenes from a feature crammed together with a dialogue makeover so as to fit the OWC guidelines. The end result feels very rushed and convoluted.

I thought the dialogue was also problematic. Right off the bat, blatant, hand-holding exposition and just a lot of really forced, unnatural moments throughout.

The ending was okay. I wasn't crazy about it (and apparently others weren't either) but it seems fair game. Sort of a classic trope of the genre. Seen it in many a flick.

So yeah. Some decent elements but the final product could use some work.

Cleanly written and a fast read. Some good visuals, but some forced dialog. Overall, not bad.

This one wasn't really for me.

I commend your efforts, but think that there was too much backstory that was missed in this and the outcome was a story that didn't flow properly nor fully make sense. A lot of questions were left unanswered, eg: for what real purpose were the killings? What was the business with the cars? Why did he take her body in his car? Just too much missing, IMO.

A rewrite without the restraints of the challenge would do this good.

Good effort.

Renee

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

42. Heart Attacks by Thirty-one - Horror - A detective has to uncover the truth about a young woman and her involvement in the ritualistic killing of several townsfolk.
Brief - A detective searches for a serial killer - but is himself killed by too many characters and too many locations. Ironic.

Location(s)  - Forest, mortuary, office, gothic house
Cast -
ETHAN, 20s, no descrip
DOCTOR GILBERT, ??, no descrip
DETECTIVE HUNTER, ??, no descrip
ROBINSON, ??, no descrip
SHELBY, ??, no descrip
Genre & Marketability - IDK where this was going, but grindhouse would be a good direction.
Comments  -  FYI, filming outside at night's a PITA. Snort-out-loud at opening scene. Efffff meeeee: a mortuary?! Maybe I can make up one out of just any room and let the actors "sell it." LMAO:
HUNTER
I want facts not hocus pocus crap.

I wonder if I can get Josh Brolin to play Detective Hunter?


Dude, you gotta learn to intro a character with a all-caps name, approximate age, and a brief description (three to four words is perfect.) Punching out at pg2. Too many locations + too many characters, each of which cost money, are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced.
Script format - needs work
Final word - Can't afford to produce

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

Thank you very much for all of your reviews. I really do appreciate your advice and will try to implement it in the future.

It was a first draft and there were a lot of stupid mistakes that I hopefully would have corrected, if I'd allowed myself more time.

Thanks again.